Team Ramrod

Gentlemen,

It has been one hell of a ride. As your reigning UPG Champion, I have just a couple of thoughts that I would like to share that may be helpful to each of you moving forward:

Brotherhood. That’s the difference – I know you guys were wondering. That’s what made Team Ramrod different from all of the other teams out there this year. We trusted each other; we had each other’s backs. Just like Dawson and Downey, our team stood on a wall and said nothing’s going to hurt you tonight, not on my watch.

Brotherhood was in the locker room when the guys would hold a prayer before doing battle each game. It was on the field when each man was his brother’s keeper. It was in that Nevada desert outside of Reno during the bye week when the team buried Tom Brady’s dead hooker. Brotherhood.

Second, I would like to congratulate everyone that was willing to throw their hat in the ring this year. I know you all gave the very best you had. I know that none of you could have possibly done any better than you did this year and I will expect more of the same next year.

None of you should feel bad that a rookie came into your league and owned it from the get-go. Especially those of you who really haven’t made any waves in the previous four years. That is not a reason for you to kill yourselves, it really isn’t. Does it make you less of a man? That isn’t for me to say. Does it mean that you should hire someone else to come in and satisfy your wives/girlfriends because you obviously aren’t up to the task? Again, those are your own demons that you will have to deal with.

My squad eagerly awaits the 2012 season and more of your best efforts. Captain Winston Montana, I hope my UPG performance warrants my inclusion on the Mount Rushmore of Murray. Certainly not ahead of Bill, but definitely ahead of those other three turds.

Thank you all and Tebow Bless.

Draft Order for 2012

1. Steve
2. Jim
3. Scott
4. Kyle
5. Ben L.
6. Everett
7. Taylor
8. Tyler
9. Ben E.
10. Brandon
11. John
12. Jason

We're still going by regular season finish, right? If so, this is the 2012 draft order.

Razor Burn

Taylor, I’m sorry to announce that you have joined John, Brandon, and yours truly amongst the dregs of this league. You will not compete in the playoffs this year. You WILL promise vengeance for this atrocity. You WILL be able to blame many factors (I’m primarily blaming league randomness, absurd injuries, cramps, and mood swings). If you want to utilize other coping mechanisms that I favored over the past week, then I recommend drinking beer, eating ice cream, combining those two things, and listening to a whole lot of Adele. As for those of you who are still in contention for a playoff spot? I wish nothing but the BEEEEESSSST FOR YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU.

Landry Hat? Yeah, that’s Jimmy’s this week. Not that he’s reading this right now, but whatever he is doing, he should be doing it while wearing a very smug expression on his face. He traded Andre Johnson and Jeremy Maclin (who combined for two points this week) and got Beanie Wells and Marshawn Lynch (combined for 57 points this week). Furthermore, he’s beating Scott by enough that he would have won even if he didn’t enjoy this week’s +55 from those two trades.

A Message to the Top Six

Six:

I'm coming for you. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat your children. Praise be to Allah!

I want to rip your hearts out and feed them to you. I want to kill people. I want to rip your stomachs out and eat your children.

You're all sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend.

I paid a zoo to re-open it just for me. When I got in to the gorilla cage there was one big silverback gorilla bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendent $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox!

I really dig Hannibul. Hannibul had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage.

Yours,
Occam's Razor

Goodnight, Travel Well

“We can be happy to know he’s in heaven, doing the two things he loves most: eating carrots and urinating.”

And so passes Li’l Sebastions. Clinging precariously to a three-point lead, I figured The Great Gronkowski would easily snag a victory for Taylor’s surging squad, but a boy can certainly dream. When Gronk broke loose for his long first-half TD, I looked at my wife, and noted that it’s ironic that a man who could be categorized as a porn star groupie would seal my poor fantasy squad’s fate.

The porn industry and fantasy football: two reliable, pure, seemingly innocent institutions, somehow coming together to ruin my life. Mandy obviously didn’t follow my line of reasoning (or lack thereof...I was in a pretty weird place), but that’s okay, she’s really pretty.

Gentlemen, it has not been a pleasure. It’s been a horrendous season. Reflecting on it makes me think of barbed wire, Nick Cage movies, Nickelback, and other awful things. I thank none of you, and blame most of you. Perhaps I was asking for this fate. After all, Li’l Sebastion only appeared in two episodes of Parks & Rec, and (spoiler alert) he died in one of those episodes. Fortunately, he went out with a bang, not a whimper. I like to think my squad can now do the same. It will be a long offseason (I already mocked out the first five rounds one time last week…yes, I’m an idiot), but we’ll return seeking the most satisfying redemption imaginable.

Although, I won’t be able to make the post-season myself, I do intend to ruin anyone else’s season that I can impact. Of course without Adrian Peterson next week, that threat rings a little hollow. No Landry Hat. Everyone loses. I leave you with a tribute song from Li'l Sebastion's funeral.

Tom Landry Hat: Week 9

"They callin me an alien
a big-headed astronaut
Maybe it's because yo boy
Yeezy get ass a lot"
-Kanye West

You thought a Kanye West-Tom Landry cross-reference was outside of my wheelhouse? Guess again. I'll admit that I'm not exactly sure what that quote means, but it feels like it perfectly describes Steve's season so far. Girls, Steve is operating on another level, and we're all suffering for it.

I got an up-close-and-personal look at Steve's mastery this week. With Cam Newton on bye, Steve simply picked up another rookie QB, and the Red Rocket garnered 20 fantasy points. He slid Julio Jones into his lineup because Peyton Hillis and Montario Hardesty were both injured. Result? How about 33 points from his rookie WR? Am I bitter? Absolutely, but that bitterness is overshadowed by mad respect.

Steve has depth and star power, and he's sitting alone in first place. I award him Week 9's Landry Hat, and I admit that it's long overdue. He's also the front-runner for manager of the year (is that an award?). I don't know if I still have a shot at the hypothetical manager of the year award, but I like my chances in the "wait, Jason really started Dallas Clark again?" trophy (accepting charitable contributions in the form of tight ends)

Actual Fantasy Football discussion

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, gents, but the season is more than halfway over, unless, like me but unlike Taylor, you are going to the playoffs.  At this stage, I think it prudent to evaluate draft busts and bargains.

Bargains (round picked; ppg):

Fred Jackson (6th; 21)
Matt Forte (2nd; 19)
McCoy (2nd; 22)
Mathews (7th; 14)
Darren Sproles (10th; 12)
Calvin Johnson (1st but after keepers; 19)
Wes Welker (4th; 20)
Steve Smith (8th; 16)
AJ Green (7th; 12)
Mike Wallace (3rd; 14)
Jordy Nelson (14th; 10)
Rob Gronkowski (14th, you're welcome Taylor; 11)
Aaron Hernandez (8th; 12)
Jimmy Graham (7th; 13)
Matt Stafford (8th; 21)
Ryan Fitzpatrick (12th; 17)
Eli Manning (10th; 20)
Aaron Rodgers (1st or 2nd; 29)  Anyone who averages 29 ppg is a value at any place in the draft.

Of course there are also waiver wire all-stars: Cam Newton (27 ppg), Fred Davis (9 ppg), Victor Cruz (9 ppg), Eric Decker (11 ppg), and it looks like Demarco Murray and Jackie Battle might be heading in that direction.  Note that some of the ppg averages are a little skewed because players (e.g. Cruz) played in games earlier this year but have assumed larger roles as of late.

Busts (Round picked; ppg)
Let's get injuries out of the way first:
Jamaal Charles (1st), Ryan Williams (5th), and Peyton Manning (2nd after keepers) were either injured very early into the season or never made it to the field.  I am also going to limit this to the first 5 rounds, because, although bargains are easy to call, busts become much more tricky.

Chris Johnson (1st; 7)
Peyton Hillis (1st; 9)
DeAngelo Williams (3rd; 5)
Knowshon Moreno (4th; 5)
Shonne Greene (3rd; 8)
Ryan Grant (5th; 3)
Felix Jones (3rd; 7)
Reggie Wayne (3rd; 6)
Brandon Lloyd (3rd; 8)
Mike Williams (4th; 5)
Dallas Clark (5th; 5)
Phillip Rivers (2nd;  16)

Finally, let me just say two things. 1) This list is subjective, so if you don't agree then you are wrong.  And, 2) I didn't add some players who were injured for a game or a few games, like Andre Johnson.

The John Buonadonna Pointless Rankings of the Week

1. Pork n Beans +106
2. The Black Popes +97
3. Biscuit Pants +34
4. Priapism +28
5. Team Ramrod + 25
6. Occam's Razor + 24
7. Extra Black - 12
8. Mike Brown - 30
9. Lil' Sebastions - 41
10. Cauliflower Horizon - 57
11. Mussolini's Meanies - 69
12. TalentlessPricks - 105


Also:

1. Blinds +59
2. Socks + 11
3. Noise +3
4. Fossils -2
5. Salads -9
6. Knobs on Cabinets -43

Mount Rushmore of Murray

Well done, DeMarco. After your incendiary performance on Sunday, you joined Chad Michael, Bill, and Murray Hewitt on the Mount Rushmore of Murray. I'm sure Kyle is disappointed that he's been relegated to the second tier, but chin up, Kyle, the Mount Rushmore of Murray is an ambulatory digital sculpture. You pull off another one of your classic Milton Berle comebacks and Chad Michael will be kicked to the curb. And it's not like I left Kyle amongst the dregs of society...

(Kyle, Murray State University, tennis sensation Andy Murray, singer Ann Murray, and the lovable canine companion from the hit sitcom "Mad About You")

In other news, Scott gets this week's Landry Hat. With a level of blind faith that can only be associated with the likes of Tim Tebow, he traded away Matt Stafford in an effort to upgrade his receivers. We also can't ignore Scott's unbelievable curse on John's team. John lost by only four in a game where McFadden got hurt in the first quarter and delivered a goose egg. He also received Matt Stafford and Santana Moss in a trade from Scott, only to have those two injured within about six hours of the trade being finalized. Steve also gets recognition for gutting it out during a difficult bye week, and getting a nice win to take sole possession of first place.

Brandon, your Bicycle Man video from "Different Strokes" garners you whatever the opposite of the Landry Hat would be (accepting submissions). My water bill is going to be insane after taking about forty hot showers since I watched it. Why did the audience keep laughing despite Bicycle Man's lascivious intentions? Why?!

Landry Hat

So that Jason doesn't seem like an asshole by giving himself the hat, I will serve as his proxy and designate Jason as the winner of the Landry hat for his performance over the past two weeks.  Jason has come from the depths and put up some of the highest scores the past two weeks (much to my chagrin) and now leaves Taylor to rot by himself alone in last place.  Congratulations, my friend, especially on beating me with my own ex-player.

Landry Hat, Dummies!

(Fifth picture retrieved when I entered a Google images search of "Bengals Mike Brown and Tom Landry")

Well color me indecisive, but after literally days of painstaking analysis, I can’t bring myself to award the Landry hat to only one man this week. Jimmy, Kyle, congratulations. Not only did Jimmy prevail in a fantasy match-up, but the Bengals won and Ohio State held a large lead for a good portion of its game against Nebraska. And guess what else? Terrelle Pryor served out his suspension and gets to start practicing for the Raiders this week! Pretty close to a homerun weekend for Mr. Wood.

Jimmy’s running backs have been holding him down this year, but he deserves some serious praise for the drafting of WRs. A.J. Green was not expected to produce like this as a rookie, and Jeremy Maclin bounced back from a potentially life-threatening illness to put up the same numbers as he did last year—when his mortality was not at all in question. Jim has even charmed his way past this league’s vaunted Steve Smith curse, and that diminutive but feisty wide-out has rewarded Jim handsomely. In a lineup move that can only be described as sagacious, Jim sat the Bears defense on Monday night because he’d already secured a win over previously-undefeated Pork ‘n Beans. A Monday night meltdown would have tormented his team’s psyche for the rest of the year, and Detroit’s offense seems capable of sending a few defenses to negative points. Great job, Jim!


Kyle gets a share of the Week 5 Landry hat due to his flair for the dramatic. Down by 29 going into Monday night, Kyle sandbagged through nearly three quarters before unleashing Jahvid Best on an 88-yard TD scamper that all but guaranteed him victory. Despite Ramrod’s pedestrian weeks from Brady and Fitzgerald, Kyle managed to squeeze blood from a stone (which I’ve seen him do twice in real life) and got 26 points out of Pierre Garcon. If he can get wins without big showings by Larry and Tom, then his team will continue to be a contender. I’m next in line for the Ramrod wrecking ball, and I’m hardly looking forward to being bested in any football-related competition by a man named Pierre (Yes I’ve used this joke before, shut your stupid faces). Jim, Kyle, please address the media with your acceptance speeches.

Or To Make Some Sense

Total Points Power Rankings:

1. Ben L. - 541 (4-1)
2. Steve - 538 (4-1)
3. Kyle - 524 (3-2)
4. Taylor - 490 (1-4)
5. Scott - 483 (4-1)
6. Ben E. - 470 (3-2)
7. Jim - 457 (3-2)
8. Tyler - 449 (2-3)
9. John - 436 - (1-4)
10. Everett - 427 (2-3)
11. Jason - 398 (1-4)
12. Brandon - 347 (2-3)

Something stands out, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Rankings

We all know that teams in the league should be further up on the rankings and others should apparently still be last. Its like the popular vote. Gore '00

Here are rankings based on points scored and points scored against.

1. Black Popes +87
2. Pork N Beans +67
3. Team Ramrod +48
4. Biscuit Pants +37
5. Priaprism +30
6. Extra Black +18
7. Mike Brown -1
8. Occams Razor -9
9. Callifower Horizon -45
10. Blood Meridian -64
11. Mussolini's M. -68
12. Lil Sebastions -100

Christina Reacts to Week 5

Christina Aguilera was recently interviewed by UPG about the season so far and Week 5 of UPG.
Even though she was equipped with a microphone, at times she never spoke. We were left to interpret her reactions, grunts and almost coherent spoken answers in response to our questions.

Upstanding Pirate Gentlemen: Christina, the NFL season almost didn't happen. How did you feel when you heard labor disputes had been resolved and the lockout would end?
Christina Aguilera:


CA: Wooohhhoaauahahah! Praise NFL, Myra Kraft as the new Jesus, and workers' rights everywhere. I couldn't waaaiiaaiaiaiiauauaguaut for the the season to start. Oh yeah!
UPG: We were all very excited, weren't we.


UPG: What was your reaction to UPG Week 5. Li'l Sebastions got their first win with the most points of the week, the two undefeateds both lost, Eli and AP posted pretty high numbers.
CA:YYYEEEAAAAAAAaaaggghhhh!

UPG: Next question then?

UPG: Tina, Aaron Rodgers has led UPG in points this year. Did you see that one coming?


UPG: TINA! Calm down. We're all fans but we don't need to force ourselves to fellate what I'm sure you are convinced is ARod's man member. We'll just write down, 'you are happy for him'... Oh, he's on your own fantasy team? That reaction makes much more sense.
Did you know that Hal 9K had the same reaction to Rodger's performance in Week 4? He tried to man-on-man-munch all things Aaron since Sunday and he even told us he would take a donator's load on the cheek from Aaron if he ever ran into him at a Derby Party. I would bet $10 you already have, Dirty 'Tina.

CA: ....

UPG: Christina, we don't give out suckers for using the potty. Do we need to stop the interview?
CA: .....

UPG: Ok, I'll take that look of relief to say you've gone ahead and finished, we'll continue. Why does this picture remind me of Haystacks Calhoun?

UPG: We have touched on the winners, lets talk about some of the losers in Week 5. Occam's Razor, Mussolini's Meanies and the Li'l Sebastions all still remain at the bottom of the standings at 1-4. No, please don't start...
CA:WAAAAAAAAahhhhhh ooahauaha

UPG: Yes, It is very upsetting. We all wanted them those teams to do well or at least do better than Scott. Let's pull ourselves together and finish this interview.
CA:WHYYYY??? auhuuoooeeeuahahh

UPG: Yeah, it sucks. We know. I thought we would be at the top of the rankings, but we aren't so we can end this if that is OK with you. Thanks for sitting down with us Christina. We hope you can get yourself together and we all wish you the best of luck in your fantasy league and your attempts to gain weight and be drunk.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME….WHAT?!?!?!?!

As you guys probably read in the New York Times this week, ESPN thinks it can pull off this whole Monday Night Football thing without the legendary Hank Williams, Jr. When I was a youngster, my uncle T-Bone used to let me ride around with him in his Suzuki Samurai playing “Good Beer, Good Whiskey, and Good Lovin’” loud enough to shatter windows. Needless to say, this one is hitting pretty close to home for yours truly. Hank, Jr. is as American as apple pie (or in Hanks' case, guns and Jack Daniels), and it’s hard to understand how this could happen. I think we can all agree this is a run-of-the-mill conspiracy, but for the sake of posterity, let’s take a look at the transcript from Hank’s radio interview with Fox (seriously, this is the real transcript, and it is eerily similar to one of Ben’s Sasquatch interviews):

GRETCHEN CARLSON (co-host): I'd love to pick your brain about politics.

HANK WILLIAMS JR.: Yep.

CARLSON: All right. So, I'll start with an easy question, who do you like in the GOP race?

WILLIAMS: Nobody.

STEVE DOOCY (co-host): Nobody?

WILLIAMS: You remember the — you remember the golf game they had, ladies and gentlemen?

DOOCY: Yeah?

WILLIAMS: Remember the golf game?

DOOCY: Boehner?

WILLIAMS: That was one of the biggest political mistakes ever.

CO-HOSTS: Why?

WILLIAMS: That turned a lot of people off. You know, watching, you know, it just didn't go over.

CARLSON: You mean when John Boehner played golf with President Obama?

WILLIAMS: Oh, yeah! Yeah. And Biden and Kasich, yeah. Uh-huh.

CARLSON: What did you not like about it? It seems to be a really pivotal moment for you.

WILLIAMS: Come on. Come on. It would be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu, OK?

CARLSON: OK.

WILLIAMS: Not hardly. In the country this shape is in, the shape this country's in, I mean, no, I don't think so.

BRIAN KILMEADE (co-host): Yeah, I don't understand that analogy, actually.

DOOCY: Well, it's — it's out there.

WILLIAMS: Well, I'm glad you don't, brother, because a lot of people do. You know, they're the enemy. They're the enemy.

KILMEADE: Who's the enemy?

WILLIAMS: Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.

DOOCY: That's only two.


For those scoring at home, the first line was someone stating that they would love to pick Hank, Jr.’s brain regarding politics. I had to find the transcript to learn what Hank actually said because I was laughing too hard to hear the rest of the interview. Maybe Hank overreacted a little bit with his opinion that two guys playing golf together was one of the biggest political mistakes ever. You know what? I’m not a political scientist, so I can’t say with certainty that he’s wrong. I hope some of the more-qualified members of the blog can weigh in on that front. Even beyond just having a degree in politics, maybe I don’t know the full story about this golf outing. Maybe those guys were using baby deer legs as golf clubs. Maybe they intentionally hit golf balls at adorable infants. Who am I to judge? And like Hank indicated, with the country this shape is in, there is no reason to jump to conclusions.

You know what else? At the end of the day, we’re talking about an American icon who was so excited about the Colts-Bucs game that he wrote a song about it. Think about that. Were you excited about that game? What inspires you so overtly that prose won’t suffice and you have to capture your feelings through song? The only occasions when I write songs are when I spend time with Brooks or following sexual conquests.



Do we really want to tell Hank that he can’t keep on rocking out on Monday nights? This feels a lot like change for the sake of change, and I typically don't support that approach. Be that as it may, we've found ourselves in quite a pickle, and I don't know how we replace Hank. Sure, there are some obvious choices: Justin Bieber, J-Lo, or anyone who just successfully completed a course of treatment at Celebrity Rehab. I want you guys to weigh in and tell me who can fill those enormous, whiskey-soaked boots that Hank, Jr. wore so well over the last twenty-three years.

Return of the Landry Hat

Sorry about the hiatus, friends. This week's Tom Landry Hat is an award to represent the best work done collectively over Weeks 3 and 4. It's a no brainer: congratulations, Taylor. Between a busy week of work and becoming older than all of you combined last week, I honestly did not have time to give out a Landry Hat. If I did, though, I was going to do the right thing and give it to Taylor.

Taylor's play of Victor Cruz was gutsy and showed great foresight. He lost against Steve, but he still managed to right the ship and get his team back on course. Taylor's Week 3 performance reminded me of Chase Utley's heroics when the Phillies lost to the Yankees in the World Series (I think that happened in 1984, but I just can't justify doing all the research today, fellas).

Then last week it all came together for Occam's Razor. Taylor made Aaron Rodgers take a long, hard look in the mirror, and admit that quarterbacking an undefeated team is meaningless if you don't pile up grotesque fantasy points. After that long, hard look in the mirror, the two of them took another long, hard look, but this time at Erin Andrews. Then they all felt better about themselves and got the job done.

Oh yeah, Arian Foster came back and didn't suck. Plus, Taylor snagged Ryan Torain off waivers right before he broke out. One more tempting piece Taylor can use to manufacture future trades. He's dangerous, boys.

I'm going to miss Taylor. It was nice having some company down in the winless division, but I hope the rest of you enjoyed his losing streak while it lasted. John, sorry about burying your post. I liked it. Unfortunately, we recently learned that John only reads the first three-fourths of anything placed in front of him, so this apology will be lost on him, and I will be subjected to his wrath.

Occupy UPG Representing the 91.666%

When a small percentage of person hijack our Fantasy System for comic profit we must group together and sleep in city squares and democratically oust he who have hijacked our blog and rightfully comment on player trends in the land of fantasy football.

In my other league, which I am doing very well, ESPN has a rating for adding and dropping of players. I think it is the change in percentage of ownership. Yahoo! might have it but I just don't know where to find it.


TOP 5 Trending Pick Ups

Nate Washington +36.1 Got him in my other league for FREE.

Jason Hanson +30.6 This one seems knee jerk. I doubt the Cowboys will have more games where they only score field goals. But, will they? They do look like shit. I was very happy to see my man Romo Occupy Cowboys Stadium and ignore Jerry Capitalist after the game.

Giants Def +28.3 I disagree with this one. Scott, your opinion?

Victor Cruz +17.6

Denarius Moore +17 Looks like a good pick up against Seattle. I guess he can go back to his job as a hedge fund manager.



Bottom 5 Minus obvious injuries.

Kenny Britt -32.8 Obvious injury. Just wanted to bring it up. Scott, your opinion?

Josh Brown -13.8 I'm really glad we don't have kickers.

Ben Tate -11.5 I need someone else to comment on this one. This is my introduction to Ben Tate?

Nate Burleson -11.2 Biscuit Pants, I think you should drop him or group a trade with me for one of your other players I'm surprised are doing well enough for that 3-1 record. I am also resentful how your high opinion of the Chiefs Pre-season and that jersey influenced my draft. I'll get revenge somehow. Who is this girl your sleeping with?

Patriots Def -10.1

Footbrall.

Footballs are tonight.

Weekly Waiver Wire Pickups

After an injury-plagued slate of games in Week 2, there was a lot of action on the waiver wire front. Ben L. was the first to exercise his priority, and decided to swap Redskins running backs and pick up Roy Helu. Scott elected to stay away from rookies and picked up the heir apparent to Jamaal Charles. Dexter McCluster does a little bit of everything. He returns kicks, catches passes, runs the ball, and can be played at either WR or RB. One thing he will NOT do, however, is text and drive. Hopefully his safe approach to life on the road will ensure that he has better durability than many of his fallen teammates.

Tyler and I each used waiver wire selections to pick up white receivers. There really is no more proven commodity in the modern NFL than a white receiver. Aside: I don't actually know whether or not David Nelson is white. I'm assuming he's related to Everett, and I'm pretty sure Everett is white, plus none of us have ever seen the Bills play, so you can't contradict me anyway. Tyler and I are looking forward to wearing Don Beebe jerseys this weekend as our white receiver teams square off against each other. Tyler will be without Jamaal Charles, and I won't have Miles Austin. First team to sixty wins, Tyler.

Everett utilized a strange strategy of picking up the player who had the biggest game over the weekend. Denarius Moore had 146 receiving yards and a TD over the weekend (and nearly another long TD on a Hail Mary attempt). Somehow, this feels similar to when Everett picked up Austin Collie after a big game last year and then Collie went on a five or six-week tear of being the top fantasy receiver. That same Austin Collie is currently available on waivers.

The Week 2 Tom Landry Hat

I’m going to keep giving out the weekly Tom Landry hat, but if you guys want to have someone else give this award, my feelings won’t be hurt. Considering my current standing in the league, giving out the manager of the week award is a little bit like John and Tyler giving out an award for the person who is the least hungry and sleepy.

Ben Eaton is in first place despite losing Peyton Manning. If he knew the extent of Peyton’s long neck problems at the time of our draft, he could have taken Tony Romo, and then his team would be a punctured lung away from looking like a juggernaut. Ben didn’t make any outrageously savvy managerial decisions this week, but he played Fitzpatrick and got Peyton Manningesque production out of him, so I’ll give him the nod.

Kyle has to get an honorable mention here. He really deserves more than that, but I'm not giving out back-to-back co-winners. His team has the most points through two weeks, and there is a good chance this Tom Brady kid really makes something out of his opportunity in the NFL. Kyle and Ben also sit atop the waiver wire positions, so they have a chance to make their squads even better after an injury-plagued Week 2. As a personal aside, from the bottom of this abyss, it looks like you’re all just doing bang-up jobs to me. I mean, none of you started DeSean Jackson or Marshawn Lynch, so I applaud each of you on that front.

Can't Wait

Let me make something perfectly clear. Whenever I find a video that cross-references Star Wars and fantasy football, I will post that video on the blog. If you revoke my posting privileges, I will go to computer school, learn to hack through our security, and then post the videos anyway.

The Week 1 Tom Landry Hat Goes To......

Sometimes people wear many hats, but this week, two men share a single hat. Ben and Tyler have had their share of downs and downs in this league's history, but they both came raging out of the gates in Week 1. Ben ensured victory over mighty Taylor by making the savvy play of San Francisco's Defense.

Tyler prevailed in the Commissioner Bowl against John despite having single digit games from Gates, Charles, and Roddy. If Tyler's supporting cast maintains that level of efficiency, then his team will be in outstanding shape. Be wary boys, the renown that comes with earning a Tom Landry hat will only make your opponents prepare harder to try to best you. Have a lovely Wednesday, gents, or as Tyler's fan in the background would tell you, "Peace Out."

Football tomorrow.

What Everyone Is Thinking

I'll say it:

The league isn't as exciting when Jason and I don't win. I'm suprised Yahoo didn't have a site malfunction trying to enter an L by both Jason and my teams.

Lucky for us, Week 2 is when the real managing starts.

What the hell?

Football is tomorrow.

Toyoto Best Draft 2011

Wow. I have so many people to thank. First - myself. Without me, none of my past success would be possible. Second - the rest of the league, because without your ineptitude, lack of football knowledge, and general presence in the league, I would have no one to beat, no faces to score points upon, or third round picks of david garrard to take advantage of.

On to more pressing business, does anyone have room in their trophy case for this award? Who am I kidding? Of course you all have plenty of room in your trophy cases. Well, I take that back, with the exception of Jason and Scott, I doubt any of you even have trophy cases. In all honesty, a mantle would work, just somewhere to place this award where it will be somewhat on display.

UPG History

I've compiled the past four seasons statistics, which includes total wins, losses and ties for each team, and in parenthesis, the playoff finishes from 2007-2011, respectively. I included playoff wins and losses into the overall figures, but did not include consolation bracket wins or losses, explaining the difference in the amount of games each team has played.

Taylor: 40-24-1 (1st, 2nd, 2nd, 1st)
Jason: 39-25-1 (2nd, 1st, 4th, 4th)
Brandon: 33-31 (4th, 3rd, 6th, 6th)
Scott: 31-18 (n/a, 4th, 1st, 3rd)*
John: 24-32-2 ( - , - , - , 5th)
Tyler: 23-32-1 ( - , - , - , - )
Ben L: 22-33-1 ( - , - , - , - )
Steve: 21-36-1 ( - , - , 5th, - )
Everett: 19-13-1 (n/a, n/a, 3rd, 2nd)**
Jim: 18-26 (3rd, n/a, - , - )*
Ben E: 0-0 (n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a)***
Kyle: 0-0 (n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a)***

Scott, Ben, and Steve were each affected largely by one season of play. In Scott's second season ('09) he finished 14-2. Ben ('07) and Steve ('11) finished 3-11. Tyler has been very consistent in his sub-mediocrity (6-7-1; 6-8; 5-9; 6-8). Ben has shown steady improvement (3-11; 6-7-1; 6-8; 7-7).

* Three seaons of play
** Two seasons of play
*** No seasons of play

Congrats

Gents,
Congrats on an excellent draft.  Thanks again to Jason and Mandy for being such gracious hosts.  This draft far exceeded any expectations I had.  In addition, I would like to commend everyone on their draft preparation.  After looking at the rosters and revisiting some big-boards and "expert" opinions I feel like we have a very high level of fantasy acumen in this league.  I am looking forward to another excellent season (culminating with another championship for me).
Scott 
 

Happy Draft Eve!

Dudes,

The draft is scarcely 31 hours away. My cup of anticipation runneth over, but we’ll all be together soon enough. I just wanted to issue a few reminders about the weekend. First and foremost, it’s going to be awesome. Second, if you haven’t already done so, get your songs in to Steve. If you fail to do so, someone will select a song for you. That’s not a threat, in fact, you may prefer someone else picking a song for you. We all listen to the radio, and it’s the exact same concept, so that really shouldn’t be perceived as a threat (especially when it’s a promise).

Friday is going to be pretty straightforward. I’ll have pizza, a slew of appetizers, and thanks to the creative renderings of Mandy and Morgan, some type of cherry-flavored tequila popsicles. We may want to pass on the photo opportunities of all of us sitting together in my basement while eating popsicles, but that’s just another bridge we’ll have to cross at a later time. Come to my house as early as you please. I’m not working tomorrow, and unless plans have changed, Taylor and John are in the same situation, and intend to come to Louisville earlier in the day. We’re hoping to get the draft started by about 8 p.m. I will have wireless internet access available if you want to bring laptops (limit of two laptops per person). I don’t have the technology to support iPads, but if you bring one, we’ll all think it’s pretty cool, and ask you lots of questions about it. We’ll also promise to wash our hands before touching the screen.

Draft attire is wildcard. Tyler’s go-to is K-Fed. Don’t wear a sumo wrestler suit. Those things are kind of funny and everything, but the fans are noisy, and there will be enough of us down there that we shouldn’t waste that much space. Also, please don’t dress as a clown. They’re pretty scary, and that would really mess me up mentally during the draft. The same principle applies with if you and a league-mate dressed as twins. Taylor doesn’t care for twins. If you dress as clown twins, Taylor and I will spend most of the evening cowering in fear, and as it currently stands, I only intend to spend an hour or two cowering in fear, so that would materially alter my plans. I appreciate your consideration.

If people don’t mind bringing a few dollars, we could pitch in for the jersey fund for the league champion. We can also vote on whether or not we want to do that. I say we vote for it after we pitch in money. Then the worst-case scenario is that we have a pot of money, and we’ll be able to do whatever we want with it (buy fireworks).

Other things you need to bring: swim trunks (is it better to call them swim suits?), outdoor shoes, and lots of moxie. Basketball and feats of strength are still on the itinerary, but we’ll jointly discuss the best timeframe in which to operate. I know many of you won’t be able to stay indefinitely. While that saddens me, I encourage each of you to stay as long as you please, including spending the night on Saturday night, as well. Our dear friend, Brooks, will be arriving around lunchtime on Saturday, and he and Finn will be staying at my place until Tuesday, so, seriously, stay as long as you like. I can’t show preferential treatment to Brooks by letting him stay longer than others. It would be unbecoming of me. Please use the comments section to let me know if I’m omitting any pertinent information. I’ll see each of you tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Draft Order (rounds 1-5)

1.1 Brandon
1.2 Ben L.
1.3 Steve
1.4 Ben E.
2.1 Ben E.
2.2 Ben L.
3.1 Everett
3.2 Taylor
3.3 John
3.4 Jason
3.5 Scott
3.6 Tyler
3.7 Jimmy
3.8 Kyle
4.1 Kyle
4.2 Steve
4.3 Jimmy
4.4 Tyler
4.5 Scott
4.6 Jason
4.7 Brandon
4.8 John
4.9 Taylor
4.10 Everett
5.1 Everett
5.2 Taylor
5.3 John
5.4 Brandon
5.5 Jason
5.6 Scott
5.7 Ben L.
5.8 Tyler
5.9 Jimmy
5.10 Steve
5.11 Ben E.
5.12 Kyle

Keepers 2011 Complete

Brandon Philip Rivers Steven Jackson

Jimmy Drew Brees Andre Johnson

Jason Michael Turner Rashard Mendenhall

Scott Adrian Peterson Ray Rice

Everett Chris Johnson LeSean McCoy

Steven Michael Vick Maurice Jones-Drew

John Darren McFadden Matt Forte

Tyler Jamal Charles Roddy White

Taylor Arian Foster Aaron Rodgers

Ben L. Vincent Jackson Ahmad Bradshaw
Kyle Tom Brady Larry Fitzgerald
Ben E. Legarrette Blount Mike Wallace

How to Pay Your Respects to Me at the Draft

Believe me when I tell all of you: I don't want to make this any more awkward than you do. I don't need the big production, the song and dance, or the parade. I, and every athlete on twitter, try to live by one motto #humbleandhungry.

Having said that, I do believe it is appropriate for each of you to pay your champion your respects with a simple, straightforward gesture. Rather than each of you paying your respects in a way you each see fit, thereby creating a situation where I have nine guys each vying for my affection by going over the top with their gesturing, or a situation where the gestures are so diverse or unusual I'm unable to tell if someone properly paid their respects, so I become upset, start drinking, and eventually throw a tantrum and scream at Harper, I've decided to organize a the collective gestures and establish the proper way for each of you to pay me your respects.

After several sleepless nights (not due to thinking about this, but because I had a lady friend in my bed), I finally decided on how each of you should pay me your respects:

Bow to me. Now, I don't want all of you to bow to me at once like you are worshiping me or anything. I'm not that insane. But I would like each of you, upon the first time seeing me at the draft to bow to me. Here is how it should look:

1. Lower your head. Do not make eye contact with me.
2. Drop to your knees. A few of you should already have some practice with this.
3. Rotate at your hips and lower your nose to the ground, just in front of my feet.
4. Kiss my feet. Just kidding! Unless you want to for good luck.
5. Count to three.
6. Rise to your feet.
7. Look me in mine eyes. Then you will see it's still just me. Good ole' Taylor. After this, we can go back to being equals, because even though it doesn't always seem like it, we are. You guys are just equals who haven't been to every championship game in our league and won two of them.*

Look I'm not taking this two-time champion stuff seriously. Let's all go have some fun at this draft. Have fun and bow to me when you first see me.


*Obviously this does not apply to Ben and Kyle, since they are expansion teams. Having said that, I'm not going to not want you to bow to me. If you don't want to feel left out, I would suggest going ahead and bowing to me.

New Rankings

Check it yourself, assholes.

Updated Rankings Alert

Round 1

Arian Foster

Adrian Peterson

Chris Johnson

Jamaal Charles

Ray Rice

Michael Turner

Rashard Mendenhall

Andre Johnson

Aaron Rodgers

LeSean McCoy

Michael Vick

Darren McFadden

Round 2

Larry Fitzgerald

Calvin Johnson

Roddy White

Maurice Jones-Drew

Frank Gore

Hakeem Nicks

Drew Brees

Peyton Manning

Shonn Greene

Matt Forte

Steven Jackson

Reggie Wayne

Round 3

Peyton Hillis
Philip Rivers
Miles Austin
Ahmad Bradshaw
Greg Jennings
Tom Brady
Mike Wallace
Tony Romo
Mike Williams
Vincent Jackson
Ryan Mathews
Dwayne Bowe

Round 4

LeGarrette Blount

DeSean Jackson

Antonio Gates

DeAngelo Williams

Dez Bryant

Jeremy Maclin

Brandon Lloyd

Matt Schaub

Stevie Johnson

Ben Roethlisberger

Mark Ingram

Brandon Marshall

Items to be addressed

1. I see that we are still scheduled to have the championship in Week 17.  We have already agreed to not do this, so this should be changed, which leads to...
2. Do we keep a 6 team playoff with the two highest seeds getting a bye in week one?  In a league this size, it seems that the playoff should be at least between 6 teams, in which case, playoffs would occur weeks 14, 15, and 16.

Player Rankings and Keeper Cost

Here are the players and their keeper costs.  I also assigned the players to their current owners.  I did this from memory so there may be errors, but, I doubt it, because I did this from memory.


1st Round

1.   Foster (Taylor)
2.   Peterson (Scott)
3.   Chris Johnson (Everett)
4.   Charles (Tyler)
5.   Jones-Drew (Steve)
6.   Turner (Jason)
7.   Rice (Steve)
8.   Andre Johnson (Jimmy)
9.   Mendenhall (Jason)
10. Rodgers (Taylor)
11. McCoy (Everett)
12. Calvin Johnson (Scott)

2nd Round

13. Vick (Scott)
14. White (Ben)
15. McFadden (John)
16. Gore (Everett)
17. Nicks (Steve)
18. Fitzgerald (Ben)
19. Brees (Jimmy)
20. P. Manning (Ben)
21. Jennings (Tyler)
22. Hillis (Taylor)
23. S. Jackson (Brandon)
24. Rivers (Brandon)

3rd Round

25. Forte (John)
26. Greene (Tyler)
27. Austin (Tyler)
28. Brady (Steve)
29. Bowe (Everett)
30. Bradshaw (Ben)
31. Wallace (Ben)
32. Romo (Jason)
33. Blount (Scott)
34. Wayne (John)
35. D. Jackson (John)
36. M. Williams (Tyler) 

4th Round

37. V. Jackson (Ben)
38. Gates (Jason)
39. Mathews (Taylor)
40. D. Williams (Jason)
41. Finley
42. Stewart (Scott)
43. Bryant (Scott)
44. Maclin (Jason)
45. Roethlisberger (Tyler)
46. Schaub (Everett)
47. Marshall (Taylor)
48. Ryan (Brandon)

Football is back

Time to get to work.  The next few weeks will be busy for all of us.  I expect the big board on Yahoo will be updated by the end of next week taking into account the free agent moves that will likely occur this week.  That gives precious little time to decide on keepers, etc.

OLD MAN for YOUR COMMISIONER

It is time for a change. Tunisia, Egypt, UPG. The history books will note those as the most influential revolutions in the 21st century. All countries whose citizenry begrudgingly forced to live under the rule of autocratic leaders who are slow to make progressive changes in the law of the land and grant liberties to their people. All countries whose populous spoke up for change and demanded a better life for their brothers and pirates.

This is my announcement for candidacy for commissioner of the UPG.
Why me? Because of this:



I simply look like a league commissioner. Look at it... It is me and a private jet with an overcoat. If ever there were a commissioner it would be a man who travels on private jets and wears black overcoats.

I really don't make any promises to make the league better - I just challenge anyone to produce a photo of themselves looking more commissioner-like than me. Any one else here ever flown on a private jet? Doubt it. You know who has? Commissioner Roger S. Goodell and me.

That is my challenge to you all. A new commissioner must be named and the man who can present himself as the most commissioner-like gets the position. My first choice is this version of myself who takes private jets and limosines to Chicago for an afternoon just because.

End of Season Thoughts (mostly rambling)

I have put Taylor's name on the ball, so it's official.  A picture will be forthcoming.  Congrats to him on a solid season.  I will try to forgive Steve this offseason for making Taylor so powerful.  One thing's for sure though, Steve is set up pretty nicely for next season already, especially if the Ravens release McGahee. 

Let's get this out of the way from the beginning. All of the following assumes the CBA is taken care of and there are no shenanigans this offseason lasting into next season.  For the love of everything holy, if our game is put on hiatus I don't know what I'll do with myself.  I don't have basketball like most of you assholes.  

I don't see Michael Bush staying in Black and Silver, and I think the Bengals make the most sense as a likely landing spot.  If that's the case, Tyler will be in good position with Charles and Bush as keepers.  And for that I applaud Tyler's decision to pick up Bush late in the season. 

Speaking of Charles, I love that guy.  He is one of my favorite players to watch play the game.  And I mean ever.  He moves so smoothly and quickly.  It's simply beautiful to watch him run. And the man is averaging over 6 yards per carry.  That's Jim Brown territory.  In fact, if his playoff game had counted, he would have surpassed the legend's average YPC over a season.  It was a travesty that he only received 9 totes against the Ravens.  I read that Todd Haley took over play calling at the half even though the Chiefs were trailing by three.  He's a dick anyway.  I can't stand to look at his face.

Key skill players in flux this offseason: DeAngelo Williams/Jonathan Stewart, Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams, Pierre Thomas, Sidney Rice, Vincent Jackson, Michael Bush, Cedric Benson, Vince Young, Malcolm Floyd, and McGahee?.  These are all valuable players in my opinion.  Obviously I would have to rate Williams/Stewart, Bush, Rice, and Jackson as the most valuable for our purposes.   

Players I expect big things from next year (outside of the obvious): [Williams, Benn, Blount, and Freeman] (TB), [Megatron, Pettigrew, Best, and "Glass-shoulders" Stafford] (Det), Marshawn Lynch, Jimmy Graham, Danario Alexander, and Dez Bryant.  If Hakeem Nicks and Kenny Britt can stay healthy, those two will be megastars (contingent upon Britt not being thrown to by Rusty Smith).

There is no way Hillis matches this year's production.  Montario Hardesty will definitely be a factor next year. I do think Brandon Lloyd has the skills to continue to be a success.  That guy's a baller.  I cannot believe he's never caught on anywhere else before.  I also think Mike Vick will continue to produce at a high level for the Eagles, especially if they address their O-line deficiencies.

I am very interested to see what the Redskins do at tailback this offseason.  I don't see Torain as the answer. If they can get someone like DeAngelo or Bush, I would be very interested in that backfield.  We have seen what a Shanahan-inspired scheme can do for a runner who is someone I would rate as the middle of the pack in terms of talent at starting tailback (Arian Foster).  In case you're interested, I would rate these backs higher in terms of talent: Peterson, Charles, Johnson, Rice, Stewart, Williams, Mendenhall, and McCoy.  But, I must say that Foster works very well in that scheme.  Just as one QB might perform better in a West Coast Offense than a run-first offense (see Rich Gannon), certain runners fit schemes very well.

I am also interested to see what happens in Miami.  I don't see either RB returning next year.   

Finally, if I had to choose my dream team of skill players (not for fantasy but real life) this list would be as follows (keep in mind this is a team of great players who will be good now and will get better):
QB: Aaron Rodgers (Backed up by Sam Bradford who is much better than the Seahawks game would lead you to believe in case you didn't watch the Rams play at all this season.)
RB1: Adrian Peterson
RB2: Jamaal Charles
WR1: Calvin Johnson
WR2: Hakeem Nicks
WR3: Percy Harvin
TE: Vernon Davis
K: Yeah right! Fuck Kickers!

Feel free to comment and disagree.