Toyoto Best Draft 2011

Wow. I have so many people to thank. First - myself. Without me, none of my past success would be possible. Second - the rest of the league, because without your ineptitude, lack of football knowledge, and general presence in the league, I would have no one to beat, no faces to score points upon, or third round picks of david garrard to take advantage of.

On to more pressing business, does anyone have room in their trophy case for this award? Who am I kidding? Of course you all have plenty of room in your trophy cases. Well, I take that back, with the exception of Jason and Scott, I doubt any of you even have trophy cases. In all honesty, a mantle would work, just somewhere to place this award where it will be somewhat on display.

UPG History

I've compiled the past four seasons statistics, which includes total wins, losses and ties for each team, and in parenthesis, the playoff finishes from 2007-2011, respectively. I included playoff wins and losses into the overall figures, but did not include consolation bracket wins or losses, explaining the difference in the amount of games each team has played.

Taylor: 40-24-1 (1st, 2nd, 2nd, 1st)
Jason: 39-25-1 (2nd, 1st, 4th, 4th)
Brandon: 33-31 (4th, 3rd, 6th, 6th)
Scott: 31-18 (n/a, 4th, 1st, 3rd)*
John: 24-32-2 ( - , - , - , 5th)
Tyler: 23-32-1 ( - , - , - , - )
Ben L: 22-33-1 ( - , - , - , - )
Steve: 21-36-1 ( - , - , 5th, - )
Everett: 19-13-1 (n/a, n/a, 3rd, 2nd)**
Jim: 18-26 (3rd, n/a, - , - )*
Ben E: 0-0 (n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a)***
Kyle: 0-0 (n/a, n/a, n/a, n/a)***

Scott, Ben, and Steve were each affected largely by one season of play. In Scott's second season ('09) he finished 14-2. Ben ('07) and Steve ('11) finished 3-11. Tyler has been very consistent in his sub-mediocrity (6-7-1; 6-8; 5-9; 6-8). Ben has shown steady improvement (3-11; 6-7-1; 6-8; 7-7).

* Three seaons of play
** Two seasons of play
*** No seasons of play

Congrats

Gents,
Congrats on an excellent draft.  Thanks again to Jason and Mandy for being such gracious hosts.  This draft far exceeded any expectations I had.  In addition, I would like to commend everyone on their draft preparation.  After looking at the rosters and revisiting some big-boards and "expert" opinions I feel like we have a very high level of fantasy acumen in this league.  I am looking forward to another excellent season (culminating with another championship for me).
Scott 
 

Happy Draft Eve!

Dudes,

The draft is scarcely 31 hours away. My cup of anticipation runneth over, but we’ll all be together soon enough. I just wanted to issue a few reminders about the weekend. First and foremost, it’s going to be awesome. Second, if you haven’t already done so, get your songs in to Steve. If you fail to do so, someone will select a song for you. That’s not a threat, in fact, you may prefer someone else picking a song for you. We all listen to the radio, and it’s the exact same concept, so that really shouldn’t be perceived as a threat (especially when it’s a promise).

Friday is going to be pretty straightforward. I’ll have pizza, a slew of appetizers, and thanks to the creative renderings of Mandy and Morgan, some type of cherry-flavored tequila popsicles. We may want to pass on the photo opportunities of all of us sitting together in my basement while eating popsicles, but that’s just another bridge we’ll have to cross at a later time. Come to my house as early as you please. I’m not working tomorrow, and unless plans have changed, Taylor and John are in the same situation, and intend to come to Louisville earlier in the day. We’re hoping to get the draft started by about 8 p.m. I will have wireless internet access available if you want to bring laptops (limit of two laptops per person). I don’t have the technology to support iPads, but if you bring one, we’ll all think it’s pretty cool, and ask you lots of questions about it. We’ll also promise to wash our hands before touching the screen.

Draft attire is wildcard. Tyler’s go-to is K-Fed. Don’t wear a sumo wrestler suit. Those things are kind of funny and everything, but the fans are noisy, and there will be enough of us down there that we shouldn’t waste that much space. Also, please don’t dress as a clown. They’re pretty scary, and that would really mess me up mentally during the draft. The same principle applies with if you and a league-mate dressed as twins. Taylor doesn’t care for twins. If you dress as clown twins, Taylor and I will spend most of the evening cowering in fear, and as it currently stands, I only intend to spend an hour or two cowering in fear, so that would materially alter my plans. I appreciate your consideration.

If people don’t mind bringing a few dollars, we could pitch in for the jersey fund for the league champion. We can also vote on whether or not we want to do that. I say we vote for it after we pitch in money. Then the worst-case scenario is that we have a pot of money, and we’ll be able to do whatever we want with it (buy fireworks).

Other things you need to bring: swim trunks (is it better to call them swim suits?), outdoor shoes, and lots of moxie. Basketball and feats of strength are still on the itinerary, but we’ll jointly discuss the best timeframe in which to operate. I know many of you won’t be able to stay indefinitely. While that saddens me, I encourage each of you to stay as long as you please, including spending the night on Saturday night, as well. Our dear friend, Brooks, will be arriving around lunchtime on Saturday, and he and Finn will be staying at my place until Tuesday, so, seriously, stay as long as you like. I can’t show preferential treatment to Brooks by letting him stay longer than others. It would be unbecoming of me. Please use the comments section to let me know if I’m omitting any pertinent information. I’ll see each of you tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Draft Order (rounds 1-5)

1.1 Brandon
1.2 Ben L.
1.3 Steve
1.4 Ben E.
2.1 Ben E.
2.2 Ben L.
3.1 Everett
3.2 Taylor
3.3 John
3.4 Jason
3.5 Scott
3.6 Tyler
3.7 Jimmy
3.8 Kyle
4.1 Kyle
4.2 Steve
4.3 Jimmy
4.4 Tyler
4.5 Scott
4.6 Jason
4.7 Brandon
4.8 John
4.9 Taylor
4.10 Everett
5.1 Everett
5.2 Taylor
5.3 John
5.4 Brandon
5.5 Jason
5.6 Scott
5.7 Ben L.
5.8 Tyler
5.9 Jimmy
5.10 Steve
5.11 Ben E.
5.12 Kyle

Keepers 2011 Complete

Brandon Philip Rivers Steven Jackson

Jimmy Drew Brees Andre Johnson

Jason Michael Turner Rashard Mendenhall

Scott Adrian Peterson Ray Rice

Everett Chris Johnson LeSean McCoy

Steven Michael Vick Maurice Jones-Drew

John Darren McFadden Matt Forte

Tyler Jamal Charles Roddy White

Taylor Arian Foster Aaron Rodgers

Ben L. Vincent Jackson Ahmad Bradshaw
Kyle Tom Brady Larry Fitzgerald
Ben E. Legarrette Blount Mike Wallace

How to Pay Your Respects to Me at the Draft

Believe me when I tell all of you: I don't want to make this any more awkward than you do. I don't need the big production, the song and dance, or the parade. I, and every athlete on twitter, try to live by one motto #humbleandhungry.

Having said that, I do believe it is appropriate for each of you to pay your champion your respects with a simple, straightforward gesture. Rather than each of you paying your respects in a way you each see fit, thereby creating a situation where I have nine guys each vying for my affection by going over the top with their gesturing, or a situation where the gestures are so diverse or unusual I'm unable to tell if someone properly paid their respects, so I become upset, start drinking, and eventually throw a tantrum and scream at Harper, I've decided to organize a the collective gestures and establish the proper way for each of you to pay me your respects.

After several sleepless nights (not due to thinking about this, but because I had a lady friend in my bed), I finally decided on how each of you should pay me your respects:

Bow to me. Now, I don't want all of you to bow to me at once like you are worshiping me or anything. I'm not that insane. But I would like each of you, upon the first time seeing me at the draft to bow to me. Here is how it should look:

1. Lower your head. Do not make eye contact with me.
2. Drop to your knees. A few of you should already have some practice with this.
3. Rotate at your hips and lower your nose to the ground, just in front of my feet.
4. Kiss my feet. Just kidding! Unless you want to for good luck.
5. Count to three.
6. Rise to your feet.
7. Look me in mine eyes. Then you will see it's still just me. Good ole' Taylor. After this, we can go back to being equals, because even though it doesn't always seem like it, we are. You guys are just equals who haven't been to every championship game in our league and won two of them.*

Look I'm not taking this two-time champion stuff seriously. Let's all go have some fun at this draft. Have fun and bow to me when you first see me.


*Obviously this does not apply to Ben and Kyle, since they are expansion teams. Having said that, I'm not going to not want you to bow to me. If you don't want to feel left out, I would suggest going ahead and bowing to me.

New Rankings

Check it yourself, assholes.