Revenge

I'm not going to lie. I might have mentioned to my team this past week that Taylor removed my name from the trophy in the preseason.  I didn't want to do it, but I felt like I couldn't let that little bit of bulletin board material just sit there.  Peterson, in particular, did not take that news well. We've been through a lot together.
In other news, is Tyler going to win a game this year? 

Put your waiver claims in NOW!

This is a breaking news update: Trent Edwards has been officially cut from the Bills.
I saw this headline and thought, "Who gives a shit?"

Catch 22

To my reluctant followers,

In a god's honest effort to stay your sole undefeated I make this proposal to you all.
The mustache stays if my weekly opponent allows me to choose their lineup.
So, James Carl Cuatro has a conundrum. I know you want to win, but I also know you would like to laugh at the fact that I have a mustache for a week.
If you all want the mustache to stay convince James Hova to allow me to pick his line-up. If he does, then I will live my life like I have always wanted - with mustache.


So if you all want this to happen, work on it now because I don't want to go to work tomorrow with this embarrassment on my face with no reward.

King S#!& of F^@% Mountain

I've made it to the top, figuratively.
I never knew how awesome it was to completely stand alone as the best until now. In no other arena of life have I ever stood completely alone as the best. Never did I think I would be excited about winning in our league, but when it hits you, it really hits you. Taylor, Jason, Scott, am I right? I mean it is a feeling like no other. I guess this means I am in on the secret emails.
Monday Night Football has become my new favorite thing. My new favorite thing to get blitzed to while I crush all opposition. Those are beers filled with elation, wine stuff with the desire to win and (not pictured here) oatmeal with ground flaxseed that gives me the foresight to pick the very best team in the league.
Let this photo act as a reminder to you all that this is the pillar of your Gentlemen's League; the shining light atop your pedestal of fantasy football. When you talk about your league to people outside of our circle of friends just remember, this is your leader, your forerunner, your shepard. This is the result of all of your hard work in the off season - all of your planning, your trades, all of your sweat and tears resulted in this.
- Your one and only undefeated team in the UPG

Great Week

If you missed out on the excitement that went down on Monday night, I'm sorry.  Everett's come-from-behind victory was superb.  Jason's was as well.  Taylor lost a close one.  The league standings will come out tomorrow with John in sole possession of first place and Tyler in sole possession of last place.  Everyone else is 1-1. 

Brandon Jackson Heads Week 1 Waiver Wire Pickups

Oooh la la. Our first week of waiver wire transactions was full of excitement. Tyler made the pickup of the week by landing Brandon Jackson, whose value increased by tenfold with the news of Ryan Grant's season-ending ankle injury. Taylor added Legedu Naanee, who is very black. Everett got Austin Collie, who is very white. Brandon scooped of a potentially revitalized Eddie Royal. The rest of us got nothing. The Ryan Grant injury is a huge blow to John's squad, especially because Tyler was only one spot ahead of John on the waiver wire, so John was very close to being able to get Jackson as a potential replacement. Now he has to start grovelling to the running back aristocrats to try to obtain someone. In other news, Tyler also gets a grand tip of the cap for deciding not to keep Greene and Grant. Wow, that would be a terrible week for two keepers. Even worse when you think about what Miles Austin did on Sunday.

Championship Hangover

Killing Horizon was resting on laurels after the championship last year.  This all starts with the coach.  We thought, "Oh, we've got Peterson and Turner, we'll be fine.  We don't need pre-season work.  We can miss OTA's.  We can miss a few days of camp.  We don't need to develop chemistry with this level of talent."  Now we know we were wrong. 
Well, this falls on the coach.  We were sloppy this week.  This should serve as a wake-up call. Just because we were #1 last year means nothing this year. Let me just tell you now, this week will not be a pleasant week of practice...I'm going Singletary on these bitches.
As an aside, that Survivor league sure was fun. 

There goes my productivity

I'm as busy as I have ever been, and my addiction to football is killing me.  This fantasy business is a dangerous drug. 
Enough moaning, let me mention a few surprises from the first week of football thus far. 
1. That Thursday game sucked.  I couldn't believe how boring it was after the first series by New Orleans.
2. I was really surprised by the lack of output by some of the biggest names: Brees, Rodgers, Peterson (under-utilized), Turner (obviously Pitt's D is good again), Gore (What the hell?), Jones-Drew (They really do appear to be trying to to lighten his load), Andre Johnson, CJ Spiller (I know he's not a top guy, but 0 points?), Matt Schaub, the entire Carolina run game, Calvin Johnson (I'm sure you've seen the bullshit over-turned TD by now). 
3. You'll notice two of the more prolific Texans are on the above list even though they put up a ton of points.  Will Arian Foster's emergence lead to a decrease in the Texan's pass production?  Certainly the Texans seem content to run the ball when protecting a lead, which they will probably have a lot this season.  On the flip side, will they run Foster into the ground?  He certainly can't carry the ball 33 times for 16 games.
4. It's not that Rodgers had a terrible game, but he was not as amazing as we all probably thought he'd be.  Again, the Packers seemed to be content to shorten the game with the run, even if it wasn't particularly effective.  That makes the Saints, Texans, and Packers three prolific passing teams that had sub-par weeks from their QB's for essentially the same reason: once they had the lead, they were content to rely on the run and their defense to protect it.  I'm not saying this isn't intelligent, but it is maddening for fantasy folk.
5. Another maddening feature of these offenses is that they have too many options in the passing game.  The highest scoring wide receiver on the Texans? Kevin Walter. The Colts? Austin Collie. The Saints? Devery Henderson. At least for Taylor's sake, Greg Jennings was productive.   

Best Quote of the Day

"You think I'm stupid, aren't you?"
-Brandon Jacobs

One More Day

The day we thought would never come is almost here, my friends.  I know you're all hoping, as am I, for an all-world performance from Adrian Peterson tomorrow night.  I texted him this morning and he told me he's going to, "bring the pain to the tune of 200 total yards and 4 TDs." I hope he's not joshing.  

The Double Rainbows

You may have noticed that I changed my team name from Avatar Depression to The Double Rainbows. There were a few reasons behind this change, and you all deserve to know the story. Avatar Depression was a fine name, but it would have been subpar without the picture of Tyler at the height of his Avatar Depression. I just don't feel like I can go into the season with the word "depression" as part of my team's name. Looking for the opposite of depression? Look no further than Double Rainbow Guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI

Don't worry, Double Rainbow Guy is work appropriate, and he's almost as excited about rainbows as I am about the upcoming fantasy season. I was tentative about making the change, but the Admiral endorsed it, as long as I kept the picture of Tyler, so here we are. To catch up you gents on the happenings from the weekend, please allow me to provide a brief rundown:

The sod field football game was short-lived due to the time everyone arrived and the awkward kickoff time for the UK-UofL game. Steve had the play of the day with a dazzling Reggie Bush-esque scamper that led to a tie (I know, ties are gross, but we couldn't afford to miss any of Cobb or Locke's heroics. Once we saw Cobb's one-handed catch, there was really no point in embarrassing ourselves by playing more football later in the day). It was a proud showing by the Older Guys as Ben, Steve, and I considered the tie to be very very close to a win.

There were rumblings of a three-team trade, but nothing came to fruition...yet.

Highs and Lows: The Admiral learned to play poker and did his best Phil Ivey impersonation for the weekend. Only time will tell if that overshadows an unfortunate incident in which he brought Ben Eaton to his knees after celebrating a TD by tossing a football below Ben Eaton's belt. I'll vouch for the Admiral that I do not believe he intended to inflict such harm, but the damage was done. In a weird karmic kind of way, that actually evened things out from when the Admiral purposely took a football to the groin, and Ben Eaton threw a football at John's new ride earlier in the day.

In an "epic fail" I bought a rope that I intended to use for adrenaline-rushing swings high over a hillside. When we couldn't find any good branches, we settled on tying it to a tree for a climbing contest. Hand blisters won the short-lived contest.

We commenced planning to hunt a rumored monster that lives somewhere in Fisherville, Kentucky.

Other than the aforementioned adventures, the vast majority of our time was spent indulging in food, drink, pool, and sun. Great success! Everyone should be feeling refreshed and ready for the upcoming weekend.

White Death Depth Chart

After four days of practice, I'm happy with the energy and tempo of this team. I realize the media attention surrounding the White Death organization and understand our fans' desire for some information.

Aaron has continued to progress on and off the field. His role as a leader on this team has increased throughout the preseason. He sets the example for the amount of work we expect our players to put in to prepare each week. He is fully healthy and we expect great things from him this year.

Ray and Arian will be our starting tailbacks. In Ray we see an explosive, hard-nosed runner who also possesses a great set of hands in the passing game. Arian is a well-rounded football player who simply does everything we ask of him. Marion, Tim, and Cadillac are in a competition for the flex RB position each week. We've been impressed by all three guys and most weeks we will likely just go with the hot hand.

Greg will be our number one guy at wide receiver. He and Aaron have developed incredible chemistry and they are in really good rythym at the moment. Greg is a burner on deep routes but is also a tremendous receiver across the middle. Steve will be starting at the number two spot. He's a reliable third down guy who has incredible hands and is an underrated red zone target. Aromashodu will work out of the slot, and we expect him to contribute immediately from the flex. Santana is our 4th receiver and should also contribute. Finally, Jacoby is 5th, but we see him as a potential starter in this league.

Vernon Davis is starting at tight end and has been named team captain, along with Aaron. Vernon has been a tremendous asset to this team since putting on a White Death uniform and we expect to fully utilize him in the passing game. We've pulled Owen off the PUP list and he has been fully practicing since Monday. Physically he's where he needs to be, but he is still learning the offense and trying to find that chemistry with Aaron.

Mason Crosby is a kicker.

Yahoo's New Weekly Projections

Seriously, Yahoo?  We are now projecting player's weekly performance to the hundredth of a point?  Maybe it's my engineering degree talking here, but, last I checked, Yahoo wasn't even good enough to predict to the nearest point, much less hundredth of a point.  This implies that there is high accuracy and precision, of which there is actually neither.