Championship

First:
I'm glad I didn't play McNabb after all, because that was the single most exciting fantasy football comeback I have ever had the pleasure of taking part.

Second:
I want to point out that someone living in my house has been in the Championship game since this league's inception.  I'm just going to throw it out there that 3267 Jasper Park is a Mecca of fantasy football.

Third:
I am eagerly looking forward to destroying Taylor next week and improving the trophy while it is in my possession for the next few years.

Another Instant Classic

If any of you were watching last night, and I suspect that every single one of you were, you were witness to another instant classic between Jason and myself. For the past three years I've wondered why our rivalry sparks such epic and remembered games. Honestly, it could be a combination of many reasons. Here is what we know:

1. We are both, literally, willing to die in pursuit of victory.
2. Neither of us is concerned with individual stats, pretty wins, or highlight reels.
3. We both deeply care about our personal legacy and how history will remember us.
4. Because we have received so much from the game, we are both committed to giving even more back to it, especially to the children and handicaps.

When you have two men who turn a blind eye to the amount of blood shed, who care so deeply about the game that their penises get hard just thinking about it, and who blatantly disregard all personal responsibilities that lie outside of the game then you have something special. We need each other. We push one another to strive for an even greater greatness. Without Jason, these three straight championship games would mean much, much less to me. Without me, Jason would have left this league after year one to find some real competition.

So after reaching my third championship game in three years how do I feel? Well, pretty fucking good. I do have to admit that Jason's team, by the end of the year, was much better than mine. As Jason surely knows, and any of you who were watching would know, Jason should have beaten me last night. We were tied 86-86 with about a half to play. I had Braylon Edwards and Maurice Morris doing nothing. There was no indication either of them could do anything as well. Sure, Morris could have busted a 64 yarder like last week, but the 49ers were bottling him up, and the Lions were forced to throw most downs due to the score and lack of time. Jason had Anquan Boldin at 116 yards receiving before the first half was over, and was stopped on the one yard line. He also had Brandon Marshall on a Broncos team that was having a lot of trouble running the ball and only moving effectively when throwing. He also had touchdown maching Vernon Davis against the Lions for an entire half. I end up winning 89-85. That's right - in that entire second half Jason lost a point. Marshall lost seven yards receiving that were actually rushing yards and it took a point away. I got ten yards from Morris and an Edwards two point conversion to win. I really had a pretty bad week besides Jonathan Stewart running for over 200 and a score and Antonio Gates catching 70 yards and a score. We both had some misplays that would have won it for us, but overall Jason was the better team. I just got extremely lucky.

Losers bracket

I thought this league had a losers bracket? Which, I think I certainly would have won this year. If this is the commissioners fault because he didn't want to lose to me in these the loser playoffs than I demand an explanation. I think we can still settle who comes in second place. Tyler, Jimmy, myself and whoever the other person is who didn't make it shall start a season of diplomacy and the winner in that dimension gets the Gentlemens League second place trophy.

And to Ben Jimmy and the other guy, I will need your diplomacy passwords which I hope are the same as your email passwords. If they aren't send those my way too.

Goodbye Ben, Jim, Tyler and John

It is with a huge heart and as much respect and admiration I can fake, that I officially say goodbye to teams Ben, Jim, Tyler and John. As it doesn't look like we have a consolation bracket this year, this actually is a goodbye to those four teams. They are done, their fantasy season is over, and the off-season has begun.

But before we say our goodbyes, let us figure out just how we got to this point.

The Playoff Teams: Probably the biggest reason we are saying goodbye to these four guys was the managerial skills, craftiness, and fortitude of the six teams currently in the playoffs.

1. Scott and Everett. Even though Everett's playoff birth didn't come until the final week of the season, he and Scott clearly had the two most dominating teams throughout the year. Everett put up a couple bad weeks, but he was by far the scariest team to play all year. I don' think Tyler ever fully recovered from the beating suffered at the hands of Everett and Chris Johnson. Scott really had a mediocre stretch throughout the season, but I think we all saw the talent from top to bottom on his roster, and his ability to work the waiver wire this year and then trade for talented pieces was really impressive. It's a shame these guys will play in the second round, because I'd love to see these two in the championship.

2. Jason and Brandon. Really a tale of opposite story lines with these two clubs. Jason started out dismal, and at many points in the season I thought he had the worst team in the league. Surprising, as he has been a top two player the previous two years. Jason shook some stuff up in a famous locker room scene where he and Forte almost came to blows. Forte left town and Jason went on an unprecedented winning streak breaking a lot of hearts on the way. Brandon started strong out of the gates, and limped into the playoffs. I doubt anyone is scared of his or my team at this point.

3. Steve. An enigma of a team all season. He is capable of putting up impressive scores, but can also have Randy Moss lose a point a week before the playoffs. Kurt Warner has once again proven to be a reliable fantasy option at quarterback, MJD has done what's been expected of him for the past three years, and Thomas Jones has probably been the biggest surprise of the season. Steve has an incredibly dangerous team, and I fully expect him to make the championship game.

4. Taylor. Were every one of my players on the Madden cover this year? The guy taking the most hits was actually the most durable for my team this year. Turner, Williams, Stewart, and Williams have all been banged up and missed time during the year. When healthy my team looked like a contender, but the lack of depth and poor draft really began catching up with me as injuries plagued my running back corps. The regression of Sproles really took a toll on my team as he was a perfect start in the flex for the first third of the season. The Williams/Moreno trade did not pay off, and I was unable to get any type of consistent production from my receiving corps. Luckily, my stretch during the middle of the season when Turner, Williams and Rodgers carried me was enough to get me in the playoffs by point total over John and Ben. As a result of my third straight trip to the playoffs, my board of directors, has offered me a five-year contract extension which I have agreed to.

Secondary Reasons: Despite the six teams still playing, each of the bottom four is also to blame for their failure, and each drank a different poison.

1. Ben. Ben had the most talent of the bottom four. Manning had a great season and he got great production from Fitzgerald and Jackson. His call on Jackson was excellent. However, Jackson's production tailed off at the end of the year and it likely cost Ben some W's. His running back corps was tied up in the Saints and Cowboys, and it was anyone's guess who would be the fantasy hero. None of the backs produced great fantasy stats because the numbers were often split three-ways on each team. Plus both teams threw the ball with great effectiveness, and by the end of the year did not rely on the run. Ben also stuck with the Steelers D for too long. That is a tough spot, because I admit it wasn't until the last week of the season that I really began thinking of the Steelers D as a weak play. I abandoned the Giants much earlier in the season, but I think that is an easier move. I would have had trouble getting away from the Steelers too.

2. John. A talented receiving corps, and a two-headed monster at quarterback. John failed to turn his stable of receivers into a productive running back. We all know this story. John also had a problem with his two-quarterback system, because he often seemed to make the wrong play between Big Ben and the Mexican. John's team took a blow with the loss of Owen Daniels midway through the season, but he was also blessed with the injury to Ronnie Brown. Brandon Jacobs regression was impossible to see, and cost him a ton in the beginning of the season. However, John brought in Forte and really seemed to find a way to motivate him in a way Jason could not. Though he missed the playoffs, John has some nice keeper options and his improvement this year is something that has to give the fans some hope.

3. Tyler. What can I say? Honestly, his owners have to be growing tired, his fans have to be growing tired, and I'm sure Tyler is rethinking his entire choice of profession right now. It's going to be a long off-season for this club as they have a lot of decisions to make before the 2010 season. For the first time in his career, Tyler beautifully worked the waiver wire. However, he traded away his franchise player for a fumble-prone change of pace back who is likely to spend a lot of time on the bench. He's locked into an aging Brady and a Patriots offense that is in a heap of trouble. He traded away Sidney Rice for a much lesser talent, and failed to use his depth at wide receiver to improve his club. And again, he made misplay after misplay. Tyler's club seems to run into a sea of bad luck each year and never really recovers. Whatever the case, this club is in trouble. The fans know it. The owners know it. Tyler knows it. For the third straight year, they are on the outside looking in.

4. Jimmy. Dug himself into a hole early in the season, lost Ronnie Brown, never had quarterback production, and traded away LT just prior to his resurgence. It was a tough year for Jim during his return to the league after a one-year hiatus, but he does still have all-world talents in Andre Johnson and Reggie Wayne. Those two guys are automatic starts week in and week out. If he can turn one into a stud running back, or keep both and draft the hell out of running backs next year, he can turn things around quickly.

Who's John Wall?

I saw in Jason's post that he is ahead of me. 

At any rate, the playoff situation is...eh.  In the future, I think we should return to the previous format with no games later than week 16 and no byes.  I know this will make Ben and Tyler less likely to make the playoffs, but by my calculations, the probability of them doing so in this format was only 1% anyway.  What's another 0.5%?

I heard Taylor was getting ready to pick up Lamont Jordan to play for him this week, but then he got turf toe on the way to Target.

Don't worry, Taylor, there's always Larry Krieger or Chris Pressley.

The Regular Season Nears Completion

Due to the Ben-Everett matchup, there are currently three teams vying for two spots in the playoffs. If Everett wins or Taylor loses, Everett is in. If Taylor wins or Ben loses, Taylor is in. Ben has to win to get in. The current standings are:

1. John Wall 100-0 Infinite Points
2. Scott 11-2 1352
3. Steve 8-5 1260
4. Jason 7-6 1262
5. Brandon 7-6 1199
6. Everett 6-6-1 1512
7. Taylor 6-7 1317
8. Ben 6-7 1251
9. Tyler 5-8 1251
10. John 5-8 1197
11. Jim 3-9-1 1200

And now a quick recap of last week’s match ups:

Jason v. Tyler: I ended Tyler’s bid for the playoffs, which cannot possibly please our gentle commissioner. My boys came together and put up the highest point total for the week, even though New Orleans D lost 8 points last night. I think the weird Meachem TD went to Defense/Special Teams initially, but then it was removed…I don’t know how you properly score that one. Tyler put up the third most points this week, which would have been enough to win every other matchup except….

John v. Taylor: Brandon Jacobs: 76-yard TD reception. Wow! That’s worth 13 points…guess how much Taylor lost by? An unlucky number indeed. Tay sits at third in the points total, but is precariously eligible for the playoffs. John finally got the week that his guys owed him. He even won with Jason Witten on the bench when Witten went for another 100-yard game. Aside: the Forte and Witten for Mendenhall and Boldin trade has worked out well for both squads. Forte has had a couple of good games for John, and Witten came alive in the last two weeks. Similarly, Anquan Boldin returned to last season’s form and Mendenhall has been more than serviceable. John doesn’t miss Boldin because he has a stable of receivers and I don’t miss Witten because the Legendary Vernon Davis continues to baffle.

Ben v. Brandon: Brandon can win a grind it out fantasy game better than anyone in the world. Ben contemplated starting Meachem over Vincent Jackson, but Skyscraper was too tough to sit. Meachem would have guaranteed Ben victory. Our league's ethical leader won't throw a pity party for himself playing the what-if game, but I'll do it for him. Now Ben has to take down Ev’s Juggernaut to secure a place in the postseason. The funny thing is, if he beats Everett, Taylor loses, and I lose, Ben will get the 3 seed. It’s that wide open, people. Bring it every week.

Everett v. Jim: Donald Driver fumbles away a victory for Jim, leaving us with a dreaded tie. We need to address this issue. I think there should be no ties. I like the idea of using the optimum lineup for each squad as the tie-breaker. Taylor suggested the team with the highest point man in the starting lineup gets the win. Please submit additional suggestions, but these ties are yucky, and leave none of us feeling satisfied…they’re the fantasy equivalent of blue balls. Whenever you have a tie, both managers will obviously look at their rosters and figure out how close they were to getting additional points. Everett only needed two more yards from Chris Johnson to get another point, but Jim wins this battle of almost. Andre Johnson finished with 99 receiving yards, and Kevin Smith only needed one more receiving yard to get another point. Beanie Wells was also only two rushing yards shy of another point. So close, Jim.

Steve v. Scott: So did Scott tank or not? You know what, I’m not taking the bait, Scott. I think you’re trying to confuse me and make me focus on what you’re doing. I’m just going to worry about my team and what I can do to make them the best they can be. Stay out of my head. Scott referenced my team looking strong, but the fact that Brees likely won’t be a strong Week 17 play. Same probably goes for Peyton and AP. We need to fix the schedule next year and avoid Week 17 matchups. I like as much fantasy football as possible, but those Week 17 games are screwy. It’s one thing to have a marquee player out with an injury, but it’s another to have him just play a quarter and sit to stay healthy. On the opposite end of the Week 17 spectrum, Steve has a couple of fantastic matchups...which would make for an interesting showdown if he gets another shot at Scott.

Waiver Wire All-Stars

It really feels like there has not been good action on the waiver wire this season, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t respect those who worked it the best. Here is my salute to the All Waiver Wire Team, and the savvy managers who obtained these diamonds in the rough:

QB: Brett Favre (Jim); Nobody in our league is celebrating Favre’s phenomenal season, and I would be ashamed if we were. That doesn’t change the fact that Jim got himself a top five QB who has pulled an entire living rabbit out of his ass this year.

RB: Laurence Maroney (Steve): After making cameo appearances for multiple rosters, Steve finally tamed the wild stallion that is Maroney. Laurence still loves his fumbles, but the Patriots have been forced to rely on him, which has turned him into a viable fantasy start.

RB: Jamaal Charles (Scott): Charles is on a terrible team but it’s a rule that NFL teams have to get some yards during the game, so now Charles and the Lunch Break Bowe are sharing all of KC’s. Charles was useless for half the season, but has already given Scott multiple good starts.

RB: Justin Forsett (Tyler): Forsett apparently is having a decent season. I forgot Seattle even had a team, so this may be news to some of you all as well. It’s also a good illustration of how paltry the waiver wire has been.

WR: Miles Austin (Tyler): Austin has been spectacular for many games this year, but this selection comes with a caveat, because Tyler has had him on his bench for at least two of those blow-up performances. Boom or bust, Tyler, boom or bust.

WR: Mike Sims-Walker (Tyler): Tyler vowed Sims-Walker to be “untradeable” in Week 3 or 4, and Jacksonville Mike has mostly delivered. He’s been slower in recent weeks, but still a great waiver wire pickup by Lord Armstrangler.

TE: Vernon Davis (Jason): It took courage and foresight to not only pick up Vernon Davis, but part ways with the reliable Jason Witten. Such savvy should excuse me from playing catch-and-release with Maroney and Charles earlier this season.

K: Irrelevant! We should really just get rid of these fools. Not only are they not football players, some of them aren’t even men.

DEF: I have no idea.

Sidney Rice gets an honorable mention, but I don’t think Scott ever feels that great starting Big Sid, so that decreases his fantasy value. Does anyone love the NFC North more than our man Scott? AP, Calvin Johnson, Sidney Rice, Jermichael Finley, Chester Taylor, and formerly Kevin Smith have all figured prominently in Scott’s roster this season (prominently may be a stretch for Jermichael, but whatever).

John also gets a shout out for getting Ricky Williams late, basically in the waiver wire zone. Williams is currently the fifth-ranked RB, which is f-in crazy.

This post is sure to be a hot stove conversation topic, so feel free to weigh in and let me know what you think!

Parity, Tanking, and Leftover Morsels

The surge for the playoffs is upon us! I don’t honestly believe that my mediocre team can continue to find ways to win, but I’m kindling every bit of hope within me that this feat is possible. Steve and Scott have clinched playoff spots, but there are six teams jockeying for the final four playoff spots. Everett has an insurmountable points lead and will annihilate any tie breaker scenario, so he is close to clinching.

As always, injuries change the climate of the season, and I decided to review how our the teams in our fair league have rated since Week 7. The pecking order is:

1. Everett 681 points
2. Taylor 629 points
3. Tyler 618 points
4. Scott 601 points
5. Jim 599 points
6. Jason 595 points
7. Brandon 587 points
8. Steve 579 points
9. John 556 points
10. Ben 550 points

My take on things (in order of the above list, not committing to actually ranking everyone):

Everett – team could not have worse luck. They are extraordinary and seldom have an off week. He’s lost four of his last six despite outscoring the league average by 15 per game. I don’t know how Shaub hasn’t gotten hurt yet, I thought that was his thing.

Taylor – Despite the poor O-Line, A-Rod has been pouring in the fantasy points. He is facing a bit of trouble with Carolina’s failure to just give DeAngelo the ball, Turner is banged up, and his receivers have been horrible, but he is in a good position to make the playoffs and continue his gloating.

Tyler – Really? After his team was outscored by Chris Johnson in one week, Ty still ranks third in points over the last six weeks. His team is completely boom or bust. Miles Austin, Sims-Walker, and Brady headline his cast of unpredictable characters…and we know how Tyler hates shuffling that roster. Tyler is on the outside looking in right now, but he can definitely win out, and finally taste the sweet nectar of the playoffs. That will require him to beat me and Scott. We’ll see how Scott decides to play that one next week….

Scott – This is a strong squad, and has been winning since the start. He has outstanding production from RBs and always seems to make the right defensive play. More importantly, the fantasy gods smile upon Scott with a radiance that only Brandon knew before. It seems that his team typically only has to score about 80 points to ensure victory. His main concern right now should be whether Minnesota clinches early enough that they won’t play Peterson much in the last two games. If that happens, then Scott’s roster is equalized.

Jim – The Job of our fantasy league. Jim’s roster on paper looked elite until the Ronnie Brown injury, but he just can’t convert that into wins.

Jason – If Benson loses the lion’s share of the carries down the stretch, then my team is going to be fighting an uphill battle. It appears that Fred Jackson wants to return to Week 2 form and give my roster a boost, but I think we all know Brees is the key. I’ve won five of six, and that run of good fortune is sure to expire soon. That said, if I get “Bad Tyler” this weekend, then my team will be very close to clinching.

Brandon – The Westbrook injury has been a tough blow to Brandon’s morale. Like my team, his guys need to put up big numbers to help them in the case of a tie-breaker scenario. He has a pivotal matchup with Ben this week that will most likely determine a playoff spot.

Steve – The Big City keeps rolling on despite apparently not scoring a ton of points. MJD and Randy Moss are capable of going for big numbers against any competition. Last week, the four QBs on his roster combined for 6 points. He couldn’t replicate that again in a zillion years.

John – Stop playing the Bears D. They are no longer elite, and are costing you wins. Portis and Jacobs have been really disappointing, but John’s receiver monopoly has been a fun sidebar the entire season.

Ben – The running back woes have been nagging Ben all season, and his committees are totally unpredictable. He still controls his own destiny for the playoffs, and if he gets his RBs right, then he’ll be a tough out. The Indy Mannings have already clinched their division, and I believe they have a three-game lead on home field advantage for the playoffs with only five games remaining. If the Colts sit Peyton, then Ben’s roster looks not so pretty.

As many of you are aware, Scott is going to tank this week against Steve to protect himself from a potential match-up with Everett in the finals. Feel free to discuss this, but I think Scott is really trying to do what he thinks is best to win a championship, so I don’t have a huge issue with it. I will say, that he runs the risk of finishing second to Steve in the standings, and moving down a notch for the top pick in the draft, but that would easily be worth it if he gets a championship. Considering the parity in the league, I’m not sure how helpful this maneuver will be. Scott’s two losses have come to John and me, so it’s not like the juggernauts have taken him down. Long lunch break? You bet.

Look You Assholes

Look you assholes. I'm making the playoffs. I don't know what any of you are thinking in trying to keep me out of the playoffs. Our fantasy football playoff bracket is like a second home to me. Or really, more like a first home, because I don't technically have a home right now.

I didn't want it to come to this. I really didn't. But as I sit here in my oversized red velvet chair, stroking the silky fur of my black cat, and staring into a raging fire only one thought comes to mind: One way or the other, I'll be in the playoffs.

Take that however you want. Maybe it's a threat. Maybe not.

I know what you are thinking too. (You can't be as successful in fantasy football as I have been without knowing what your opponents are thinking on a daily basis.) Turner is out for four to six weeks. Carolina refuses to run the ball with regularity and Delhomme is intercepted on one of five throws. Hester, Housh, and Evans refuse to consistently produce yardage and hate the endzones. And Roy Williams should be euthanized.

But come hell or high water (anyone know what this means) I will be playing for the championship. Get your guns ready, soldier up, and bring it. Because I've brought it in the past, and I'll continue to bring it for the next three weeks. It's going to be a bloodbath of epic proportions.

The Return of RBP

Like Tristan Ludlow returning to the family ranch with heads of cattle as far as the eye can see, Roundball Portfolio is back with so much college basketball information and analysis that you will literally vomit in your mouth.

Here's my preseason Top 25.

Ring of Elders: Weeks 5 & 6

Gentlemen,

Let's be honest. No one really cares about the Ring of Elders, so I am not even going to apologize for the delay in getting this up. Oh, and it's going to be a twofer to start the process of making up for the weeks I missed. If you are keeping count at home, the Ring of Elders currently consists of Blue Traveler (3 votes), Brother Man (2 votes), Mothman (2 votes), and David Icke (1 vote). By now, if you care about this process, you know the drill. So, without further ado, the week 5 and 6 nominees are Edward Gorey and Foghorn Leghorn.

Edward Gorey



Aliases: Ogdred Weary, Doger Wryde, Ms. Regera Dowdy, Eduard Blutig, O. Mude, Wardore Edgy, Raddory Gewe, E.G. Deadworry, D. Awdrey-Gore, Edward Pig, Madame Groeda Weyrd

Enemies: none

Historical Antecedent: an American original

Memorable Quote: “If you're doing nonsense, it has to be rather awful, because there'd be no point. I'm trying to think if there is sunny nonsense. Sunny, funny nonsense for children – oh, how boring, boring, boring. As Schubert said, there is no happy music. And that's true, there really isn't. And there's probably no happy nonsense either.”

Likes: Batman, soap operas, cats

Dislikes: children, sunlight, physical contact

from Wikipeda: Edward Gorey was an illustrator and writer who classified his work as literary nonsense. Gorey wrote over 100 books and illustrated more than 50 other books written by other authors. He often wrote his books under pseudonyms, which were anagrams of his own name. Gorey's illustrated (and sometimes wordless) books, with their vaguely ominous air and ostensibly Victorian and Edwardian settings, have long had a cult following. Gorey became particularly well-known through his animated introduction to the PBS series Mystery! In later years, he lived year-round in Cape Cod, where he wrote and directed numerous evening-length entertainments, often featuring his own papier-mache puppets, in an ensemble known as La Theatricule Stoique. His major theatrical work was the libretto for an Opera Seria for Hand Puppets titled The White Canoe. Gorey once agreed with an interviewer that the “sexlessness” of his novels were a product of his asexuality. Although his books were popular with children, he did not associate with children much and had no particular fondness for them. His home in Cape Cod is called Elephant House.

UPG moment: gentlemen, the Gashlycrumb Tinies



decidedly un-UPG moment: I have yet to find one

Foghorn Leghorn



Aliases: Exit Wounds, Star Wars

Enemies: Barnyard Dawg, Henery Hawk, Rhode Island Red (though theirs was more of a friendly rivalry)

Historical Antecedent: Senator Beauregard Claghorn

Memorable Quote: “Gal reminds me of the highway between Fort Worth and Dallas. No curves.”

Likes: the ladies, mischief, jive-talking

Dislikes: yankees, know-it-alls, dudley-do-rights

from Wikipeda: Foghorn Leghorn was a large, anthropomorphized adult rooster with a strong Virginia or Kentucky accent and a penchant for mischief. He died in 2003 in a gruesome train wreck while on vacation in Canada.

UPG moment: let the raucous hilarity ensue




decidedly un-UPG moment: seems to be vaguely racist and homophobic

Cinderella's Weekend

How about a little love for the bottom-feeders? Jim's squad secured it's first win of the season, Tyler has had two big weeks in a row, and somebody finally slowed the bleeding for my hapless team. The Iron Curtain is still in contention for a W this week, but will have to overcome the fantasy gods' love of Brandon.

The teams that played in London have tanked the second half of the season the last two years, so it will be interesting to see how those brain-washed Patriots fare following their trip across the Atlantic. I became extremely disappointed in journalism in general as I watched the pre-game coverage for that match-up. Some clever fellow pointed out the hilarity of the Patriots playing in England. I actually found that irony pretty funny, but then he went on to say "Instead of Benjamim Franklin, now it's Benjamin Watson....instead of Thomas Paine, it's Tom Brady" (paraphrase). So apparently you can get a gig at ESPN by analogizing Benjamin Franklin and Benjamin Watson based exclusively on them sharing a common first name...that seems fair. One was a revolutionary, inventor, author, and notorious sexual deviant, and the other is best-known for almost running down Champ Bailey on an interception return. Great job. I hope that journalist is also writing the analogies for the SAT.

Now Tyler just has to hope that Brady keeps producing and that Miles Austin is legit. Austin already has some star-power due to his A-Rod face, and he's looked great this season, but I have to warn Tyler that he's been extremely injury-prone in the past...and we know how Tyler's guys like to get injured. Ultimately, I'm asking Tyler to sit Miles Austin if he cares about that young man as a person. He's worked hard, finally gotten his break, and given you a fantasy win. Don't ask for more, Coach.

P.S. I'm still wheeling and dealing for any RBs that get more than two points per contest. If anyone wants to make a trade, this guy is listening.

100th Post Celebration

Gentlemen...as a way to celebrate our 100th post on this glorious blog, I figured I would post this picture I found concerning running backs this season thus far and their fantasy FB performances. Feel free to comment as you wish, and please feel free to ring in the centennial with a beverage of your choice (but please John, no Mad Dogs...let's keep this classy).


Please visit this link to see the picture:
http://thepigskindoctors.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/October09/RBBCcomplete.jpg

Well...

We are approaching the halfway point of our regular season, gents, and things are pretty interesting. Is it just me, or does anyone else find it odd that with our players more dispersed by a 10 person league we are still managing to put up higher scores each week than anything we did during our stint when the league consisted of only 8? Is this just evidence of improved managerial skills? I must admit, I have been impressed with the management thus far.

I was planning on just commenting on Taylor's post but I heard he is pretty busy. Word on the street has it that he is planning on moving back up here so I can help him resurrect his season, but we'll have to wait and see about that. Without further adieu, I will post the newest power rankings:

1. Scott
2. Everett
3. Brandon
4. Ben
5. Steve
6. Taylor
7. Tyler
8. John
9. Jimmy
10. Jason

Let's break it down:
1. There's a weakness at WR and tight-end, although the return of Calvin Johnson will help shore up the WR problem. If Shiancoe keeps producing (i.e. vulturing Adrian Peterson's TDs), this might not be a big deal. Besides, tight-ends don't win championships...running backs win championships and this team is chock full of talent (Peterson is No1 RB and Rice is No3). Between Flacco and McNabb, potential is there to put up more than 20 points every week at QB.
2. Unlike team 1, this team is more than fine at the WR and TE positions (3 WRs in the top 10, and the top TE). Schaub is producing as he should with that arsenal surrounding him (No. 2 QB). The only problem I see with this team is that it is a little light at RB. Now, Gore and CJ are great, but there is no clear 3rd RB. If Gore comes back from his injury strong and his receivers keep producing as they are, it won't really matter.
3. This team is not dominant in any one position, but is consistent. This team won't put up the most points each week, but a consistent team is a good team in fantasy.
4. The main problem with this team is the running back position. All running backs are involved in major time shares, and there exists only one pure goal-line back as it appears that Mike Bell has supplanted PT as the goal-line back. Other than that and a slight weakness at TE, this team is solid and Peyton is playing ridiculous football.
5. QB position is a little light. RB position is not consistent as the majority of TJ's and MJD's points have come in just a couple games. I feel Moss is in for a big 2nd half of the season, but WR#2 is also a problem. However, the potential is there almost every week to put up huge numbers, and for that reason alone, he must land in the top 5.
6. Carolina is going to learn that they can win simply by running the ball. That will help this team. Taylor gets this high ranking purely from his RB corps and ARod. There is no standout WR on this team, and it is a gamble every week to put 2 players in there. But, you can go far with a strong RB corps, so this team will still likely make the playoffs.
7. I told Taylor that I feel like Tom Brady will be like Peyton last year...a slow start and strong finish. If that holds, this team is dangerous. Through some good wire-working, he has a solid WR corps. He really, really needs Grant and Slaton to step it up.
8. A top QB, too many great receivers, a great TE, but a terrible running game. This is not a recipe for success. RBs are too important in fantasy.
9. I know his ranking, but this is really just an unfortunate situation. I fully believe Jimmy is going to turn things around, but whether or not a playoff run is in the cards, remains to be seen. A team starting Palmer, Wayne, Johnson, Driver, Brown, and Smith is a team that can beat anyone in the league on a given day. If Wells and Washington become more reliable, this could be a really strong team.
10. Well, fantasy isn't always predictable. For Jennings and Forte to have played like they have thus far is simply absurd. I appreciate some of the moves he has made to strengthen the WR position, but the RB situation is simply not going to get the job done.

And that's how I see the regular season final rankings shaking out.

Leadership

After dropping to 1-2 for the first time in Gentlemen Game history, a many eyes were fixated on me to see how I would respond. I think all nine of you would agree that I responded with the utmost class, grace, and dignity. Responsibility for the poor play was personally placed upon my shoulders. As a result, my team has responded with two quality wins - one a come from behind on Monday night, and the other a strong out of the game start and the fortitude to hold off a encouraged comeback on Monday night. Then, I wake up this morning to read this:

Rodgers refuses to place blame on O-line.

Wow. The old adage is true: lead by example and others will follow. The class and professionalism I have displayed throughout this season is trickling down to my players. Beyond the wins, playoff victories, and championships that I have become accustomed to, this is what it's all about - shaping the character of young men. Damn, I'm proud of myself.

Monday (on Tuesday) Afternoon General Manager

A recap of the weekend's events.

1. "To Be My Own Manning" - From what I have seen this year, we could be heading for an all-Manning Superbowl. I think the Colts and the Giants are the two best teams in the league. Both have relied heavily on former backups and both are still putting up incredible offensive numbers. I think the Giants have a much better Defense, but the Colts have the better Manning. The offense on both teams, besides the Mannings, has become either a fantasy nightmare or fantasy miracle. Any receiver or running back can go off on either team. One week it's Brown, Bradshaw, Ollie, Manningham and the next week it's Addai, Jacobs, Wayne, Garcon, Nix, and Smith. For our own league's comedic purposes Tyler (thank god) has Addai, Brown, Manningham, and Nix.

2. Ronnie Brown - Man, that guy is a stud. He looks to have slimmed down from last year and runs in traffic better than any other back in the league. The Dolphins actually look better with Henne, who could make Ted Ginn valuable again. It was a personal hell to watch Brown score eight points on the first drive.

3. The Poop and Pee of Fantasy Gods - It continues to pile up on Lord Armstrangler. Strangler has lamented about the lack of help/luck he gets from the invisible hand of the Fantasy Gods. I have often regarded it as an excuse for him to keep his sanity, but now I have to admit that something of a higher power is at play. Strangler has scored the fewest points and had the most points scored on him. Brandon has sucked up a lot of the luck that should be out there, and Jim has clearly not gotten any help this year, but bad things seem to continually stack up against Strangler. I think it all stems from John's Randy Moss trade to Jim in Week 14 of our first season. Armstrangler has to find a way to break the curse.

Monday Afternoon General Manager

My roving thoughts on the Sunday games. These keep getting later and later in the day until one day I suspect I will forget all about it. Big thank you to James Saxaphone. Without you I'd probably be dead, face down in a drained pool somewhere.

1. Rankings - We are three.95 weeks into our third season and no one has released their power rankings as of yet. Let me be the first.

1. A Hamburglar Scorned
2. monsterwith21faces
3. Nobody's Darlings
4. The Discombobulators
5. 7 Pillars of Wisdom
6. The Seaward
7. Big City of Life
8. Bengals are Back
9. Iron Curtain
10. Lord Armstrangler

Begin the disagreements. Here are my thoughts. Scott is loaded at running back, has two quality options at quarterback, and Megatron. He seems to be making all the right calls at Defense. He is weak at TE and that is it. Ben has the best quarterback, and two of the best receivers. If Pierre Thomas stays healthy and the Dallas running back situation pans out he is equally as dangerous as Scott. Brandon is the worst of the undefeated, only because he has some weakness at receiver and a second and third running back. He's been making great waiver wire moves and playing the right people, so he seems to have the magic touch this year. Everett gets the nod at four because of his incredible week 2 performance. I get the nod at five because I still have Williams and Turner. Jason is at six but with the week four emergences of Brandon Marshall and Matt Forte he is quickly moving up. Steve is 2-2 and at seven because of his four quarterback roster and a big drop off after his number one receiver and his top two running backs. The bottom three are a crap shoot, but Tyler looks better after picking up this guy Slaton who burst onto the scene this week with two scores. I still think Jim's team is incredibly dangerous. If he finds a viable option at quarterback there are a ton of weapons on his team. He may have the best two starting receivers in the league. John falls to the bottom spot because he refuses to trade his receivers and Romo is not getting the job done this year.

2. Close Games - Besides Scott's incredible week, the other three games are really close and will all depend on the Monday night game. Smart money is for John, Brandon, and Tyler to all pull out close wins, but as my dad said, "Nothing will be predictable tonight. It's going to be a game played purely on an emotional high." I asked him why he thought that and he said, "Favre will be playing his old team. They are going to want to get after each other and settle some old scores." When I pointed out that he was in fact making a prediction on what he claimed was an unpredictable game he decided to not give me my dinner tonight. So I'll be watching this one on an empty stomach.

3. Mohamed Massaquoi - By my count I got three text messages referencing my pick up of Massaquoi. One from Jason in which he blamed his sweet adorable daughter for not being able to get to the waiver wire sooner. One from Tyler that cursed me whilst threatening to beat me up. He must have taken his anger out on the add/drop player button at some point yesterday. And One hypothetical text from Scott that I'm assuming he was too prideful to send. However the gist of the message would have read: Oooh, I was so close to picking up Massaquoi and playing him this week. Will Massaquoi ever put up those numbers again - probably not. Will I ever end up playing Massaquoi - probably not. But it is within these small fantasy victories, in the trenches of our league, where I will fondly remember this year. It most assuredly will not be for any playoff wins.

Ring of Elders: Week 4

Gents,

I apologize for the delay in getting this post up, but only a handful of you even seem to care about the Ring of Elders. So, I guess it really doesn't matter.

After three weeks of voting, the Ring of Elders consists of Blues Traveler (3 votes), Brother Man (2 votes), and David Icke (1 vote). One spot remains on our organization's Mount Rushmore. Of course, people can be knocked off the Mount as the season progresses.

For those of you who have voted, I appreciate your thoughtfulness in undertaking your duty. We now turn to this week's nominee...

Mothman


Aliases: Big Bird

Enemies: everyone

Historical Antecedent: The Garuda, possibly Indrid Cold though they may be contemporaries

Memorable Quote: “Keep it real.”

Likes: screaming, disasters, chasing people

Dislikes: bridges, people from West Virgina, Richard Gere

from Wikipeda: The Mothman is a creature reportedly seen in the Charleston and Point Pleasant areas of West Virginia from November 1966 to December 1967. Most observers describe the Mothman as a winged, man-sized creature with red eyes and moth-like wings. The Mothman was sighted several times prior to the December 15, 1967 collapse of the Silver Bridge, which killed 46 people. It is rumored that the Mothman appears before upcoming disasters or that the Mothman causes disasters. In his 1975 book, The Mothman Prophecies, paranormal researcher John Keel claims that Mothman sightings were related to other parapsychological events that were reported in Point Pleasant during the late 1960s.

UPG moment: photos of Mothman set to the musical stylings of Bone, anyone?

(WARNING: Due to Bone's naughty lyrics, you may want mute the soundtrack. However, if you mute the soundtrack, there's really no point in watching a slideshow of Mothman pictures. Actually, now that I think about it, there's really no point in watching this video to begin with. Sorry.



decidedly un-UPG moment: destroying that bridge (however, if Mothman was actually trying to warn people about the bridge's collapse, then that was actually a very UPG thing to do)

Classic Tyler

Oct 4 4:15pm	Sammy Morris (NE - RB)	Add	Free Agents	Lord Armstrangler	Tyler
	Oct 4 4:15pm	Ryan Moats (Hou - RB)	Drop	Lord Armstrangler	Waivers	Tyler
	Oct 4 4:14pm	Ryan Moats (Hou - RB)	Add	Free Agents	Lord Armstrangler	Tyler
	Oct 4 4:14pm	Sammy Morris (NE - RB)	Drop	Lord Armstrangler	Waivers	Tyler
	Oct 4 4:12pm	Shonn Greene (NYJ - RB)	Add	Free Agents	Lord Armstrangler	Tyler
	Oct 4 4:12pm	Ryan Moats (Hou - RB)	Drop	Lord Armstrangler	Waivers	Tyler
	Oct 4 3:27pm	Sammy Morris (NE - RB)	Add	Free Agents	Lord Armstrangler	Tyler
	Oct 4 3:27pm	Brett FavreP (Min - QB)	Drop	Lord Armstrangler	Waivers	Tyler
	Oct 4 3:26pm	Ryan Moats (Hou - RB)	Add	Free Agents	Lord Armstrangler	Tyler
	Oct 4 3:26pm	Torry Holt (Jac - WR)	Drop	Lord Armstrangler	Waivers	Tyler

Ochocinco's New Book

Chad Ochocinco may be my new idol...

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=reilly_rick&id=4519152

Your Monday Afternoon General Manager (9/28)

This is the second installment of Your Monday Afternoon General Manager's observations and opinions on the Sunday afternoon/evening NFL games.

1. The Ass Ton of Receivers - In the 15 mock drafts I conducted prior to the draft the Iron Curtain ended up with at least two stud receivers. In some, he had three. In the 100+ mock drafts that Tyler planned on doing, the receivers would have undoubtedly still landed with Iron C. But I in no way saw him having five (maybe six) stud receivers that would start on a lot of teams. Iron Curtain's receiving corp is sickening. For my sanity, as well as the sanity of others, trade at least two of them for a running back. As Tyler would say: trade bait!

2. Snelling vs. The Seaward - Remember playing pickup basketball at Transy and Repass was on the team opposite of your own. Then the team consisting of Repass and others would beat your own team. Even if that team had Brandon and Jimmy you still had trouble explaining how a team with Repass on it could beat your own. Then you would think about it for the next several days trying to piece together the embarrassing loss. That's how Jason is going to feel all week if Witten doesn't score two touchdowns with 100 yards receiving tonight.

3. Still Winless - Jim has already dropped to 0-3 after a battle against winning with John. While some of the talk last week was how Tyler's team was still good even though they were 0-2, I seem to be in the Jim camp on this one. I think Jim's got a good team, but just can't seem to get any more production from Shockey or Graham. The Leftwich start blew up in Jim's face, and I'm honestly surprised he still has a home in this league. Unless Steve Smith outscores Felix Jones by 20 it will also send Tyler to 0-3 and as a byproduct several text messages sent my way using the f-bomb.

4. 3-0 - are Brandon and Ben who seem to be clicking on all cylinders at this point. Ben's team looks phenomenal with the return of Thomas and the emergence of Vincent Jackson as Rivers' favorite target. Brandon is also on a roll. The Lesean McCoy handicap was a thing of art. He is really showing a lot of us how to fantasy this year. Tyler, get a pen and pad and take some notes. Scott has a pretty stacked team and could easily get his third win tonight. It makes me sick.

New Waiver Rule

The proper changes are now being made and will be in place for this weekend's games.

Vote of No Confidence

Gentlemen,
Our commissioner seems to have gone AWOL, as the measure we approved more than a week ago still has not been implemented. What should be done about this situation?
Digital

Ring of Elders: Week 3

Jerks,

Well, it looks like everyone hates the Ring of Elders. Just four of you managed to vote or abstain in week 1, and only two of you managed to vote on the second nominee. For what it's worth, the Good Doctor did make a comment about the Ring of Elders, but he did so on a post which had nothing to do with the Ring of Elders (and his comment was about Urkel).

After two weeks, the Ring of Elders, quite literally the Mount Rushmore of our Gentlemen's Game mind you, consists of Brother Man (2 votes) and David Icke (1 vote). This week's nominee is...

Blues Traveler


Aliases: Black Hole Sun, John Popper, The Harmonica King, El Tigre Rojo, Neck Babies, Big Fat Fatty

Enemies: Pearl Jam, Michael Stipe

Historical Antecedent: The Beatles

Memorable Quote: “From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.”

Likes: jamming, collecting weapons, marijuana

Dislikes: hippies, gun control, being fat

from Wikipedia: Blues Traveler is widely considered the greatest musician in the history of the world. He began performing in 1987, traveling the American west with his harmonica and playing at hole-in-the-wall bars. After acclaimed music producer Danny Tamberelli recognized Traveler's greatness, he was signed by Paramount Records and instantaneously began playing in front of legions of fans at some of the most spectacular locations on the face of the Earth – including the Golden Gate Bridge. 1994 was an enormous year for Traveler, as he released the singles “Blind Melon” and “Black Hole Sun” from his triple sold out platinum album 40 Licks. Traveler used to be extremely overweight but had gastric bypass to fix that.

UPG moment: soak it in...




decidedly un-UPG moment: Traveler's 1999 release of an experimental record under the name Chris Gaines

Interesting Tidbits

The player with the most receiving yards in the NFL right now is Dallas Clark. The 2nd...Steve Smith...FROM THE GIANTS!
Darren Sproles has more receiving yards than Randy Moss.
According to passer rating, Tom Brady is the 21st best QB right now, sandwiched between Byron Leftwich at 20 and Chad Pennington at 22.
Drew Brees is essentially perfect (no surprise there).
Adrian Peterson is averaging a ridiculous 6.8 yards per carry and is on pace to be the first 2000 yard rusher since Jamal Lewis in 2003.
The Denver Broncos and the New York Jets are statistically the two best defenses in the league, and it's not even really close.

I'll be interested to see how everything plays out as the season progresses.

Your Monday Afternoon General Manager

This is the first installment of Your Monday Afternoon General Manager's observations and opinions on the Sunday afternoon/evening NFL games.

1. Parity - I have been pleasantly surprised by the parity between most of the teams in our fantasy football league thus far. Although it lacks consistency, our league doesn't seem to have a dominant team or teams emerging at this point. The Discombobulators put up the lowest score in week 1 and then the highest score ever in week 2. In both years past, it was clear after week 1 to Jason and I that we had the two most dominant teams. After week 2, the rest of you knew it. At this point in the season every team has a chance to make the playoffs, well at least nine out of the ten.

2. Unlucky Teams Missing the Playoffs - Previously, with the exception of The Israeli Frogmen of last year, I have felt that every team that made the playoffs deserved to be there. Ben's Frogmen put up the third most total points last season, but missed the playoffs due to a tie with me and several close losses to top teams. Fantasy gods were not kind to Ben last year, but they have, for the most part, been generous to our league ruling with righteous fist. However, I think the playoff picture this year could really leave deserving teams outside of the fence looking in. Don't get the wrong idea - I like it. It certainly adds some drama to the league. But hear me out - some teams will face Jason, Ben, Scott, and myself twice a year. That's three champions and a deserving playoff team from a year ago with a 2-0 record this year. On the flip side some teams will get to play Tyler twice in a season while others will only get to play him once.

3. Everett's Magical Sunday - The performance of Everett's team yesterday was truly something for the record books. It is probably safe to say the score he finishes with tonight will never be topped. In fact, I think that score would be almost impossible to beat even if you were playing in a league by yourself. To think that will likely be able to take Tyler's score after tonight and add any one else's score to that and Everett will still have one is truly something remarkable about this performance.

4. 0-2 - By my estimations there will be three winless teams after tonight. It's a hole, but not an unclimboutofable hole by any means. Last year Brandon started 1-6 and made the playoffs and that was only a four-team tournament. There were bright spots on all three of the winless teams in week two. Jim had a great game from Andre Johnson and Donald Driver (who was benched). John got fantastic performances from DeSean Jackson, Roethlisberger, and Steve Smith of the Giants, but had them all benched. There is certainly enough on both rosters to be excited about. Finally, even Tyler had one bright spot in week two. Regardless of what happens this year his team will always have a place in the Upstanding Pirate Gentlemen Hall of Face as being on the receiving end of Everett's Week 2 Sunday Magic and the greatest fantasy beating of all time. Way to go!

Ring of Elders: Week 2

Gentlemen,

I apologize for not getting this up sooner. Last week you were introduced to the process by which we will elect a Ring of Elders for our fair league. While I was more than a little worried that you fine gentlemen would not take to this somewhat vague idea, I am happy to announce that you have all but set a mandate that this exercise must continue. Two of you cast votes for Week 1's nominee – Brother Man. Two more abstained on the grounds that they were not allowed to watch Brother Man's antics in the mid-90s. Five of you could not find the time or the motivation to cast a vote.

For now Brother Man stands alone on the Mount Rushmore of the Gentlemen's Game. Three spots remain, and, of course, Brother Man's perch is only provisional and is by all estimations quite precarious.

Having fairly evaluated the candidacy of Brother Man, I would now like you to turn your attention to the nominee for Week 2...

David Icke



Aliases: One would think that someone espousing the ideas Icke pedals would have an alias, but, alas, Icke hides behind no nom de plume.

Enemies: an undefined “they”, a conspiratorial “them”

Historical Antecedent: Walt Disney?

Memorable Quote: “I am a channel for the Christ spirit. The title was given to me very recently by the Godhead.”

Likes: connecting the dots, Canadians, ayahuasca

Dislikes: the global elite, lizard people, haters

from Wikipedia: British writer and public speaker who has devoted himself since 1990 to researching “who and what is really controlling the world.” Former professional football player, reporter, television sports presenter, and spokesman for the Green party, he is the author of 20 books explaining his views. In 1999, he published The Biggest Secret, in which he wrote that the Illuminati are a race of reptilian humanoids known as the Babylonian Brotherhood, and that many prominent figures are reptilian, including George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth II, Kris Kristofferson, and Boxcar Willie. In an interview on the Terry Wogan Show broadcast 29 April 1991, he announced that he was “the son of God,” and that Britain would be devastated by tidal waves and earthquakes. Icke states that the reptilians walk erect and appear to be human, living not only on the planets they come from, but also in caverns and tunnels under the earth. They have cross-bred with humans, creating “hybrids” who are “possessed” by the full-blooded reptilians. The reptiles' hybrid reptilian-human DNA allows them to change from reptilian to human form if they consume human blood.

UPG moment: Tony Blair does look like a turtle.



decidely un-UPG moment: not so much a moment as the general opinion that Icke is anti-semitic

Recon to Norman

I went to Norman, OK tonight for two things. 1. Look at college women, they are still pretty awesome. 2. Hopefully find Adrian Peterson's kryptonite and use it in my match-up this weekend. It was hidden deep in a campus building. Scott must have known my plans - he surrounded the treasure with large-breasted, scantily-clad security guardladies. It's a new day, I resisted and I'm out for AP this weekend.

New Waiver Rule

The new waiver rule will be updated tomorrow night at 8 central time. Be ready.

Weird Week

If you had told me that Tim Hightower would be the Cardinals leading receiver, that the Chicago-Green Bay score would be 3-2 at the half, that Ricky Williams would be a bigger fantasy producer than Michael Turner and Ronnie Brown, that the Bills were a bone-headed fumble away from beating the Patriots in the 4th, and that Oakland would give San Diego all it could handle, that Fred Jackson would make the Patriots his bitch, that Devin Hester would outscore Calvin Johnson, and that Baltimore would have a worse defensive showing against KC than Oakland did against San Diego, and that my QB, wide receivers, and tight end would combine for 16 points yet I would go on to put up the highest score of the week by 20 points, I would have punched you in the mouth for being a bitch. Fortunately no one said all of that to me, because I would have some serious apologizing to do today.
The only thing that wasn't weird was The Purple Jesus being the high scorer of the week. Get used to that Gents.

Waiver Wire Ballot

We have a request for a vote on waiver wire settings. I will not be changing any settings until the vote is final. Please vote below.

1.) First Game of Week-Tuesday waiver for all unowned players (This is our current setting, not what we used last year. It places all unowned players on the waiver list instead of having them available to pick up at anytime.

2.)None-no waiver for unowned players (This was last years settings and allowed owners to pick up any undrafted or unowned player in a first come first serve manner)

Fixing the Waiver

First, let me offer congratulations to all this weeks winners. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like there are any games left to be decided by Monday Night Football. Second, my condolences to those who dropped their week one games but I do offer you a warm welcome to fantasy hell..... its not really that bad once you get used to it.

Now to business. I am very sorry for the waver wire confusion that has taken place in week one. Last year, all unowned players were available to be picked up at any time. I made the mistake, because I didn't understand the settings, of putting all unowned players on a First game - Tuesday waiver wire. I don't want to get into all the specifics about how this works....partly because I still don't know that I understand it, but I want everyone to know that I am changing it back. Tomorrow morning at 6 a.m. central time, I will be changing back to last year's format. Just like the rest of the settings, it should have required a vote to change the waiver wire settings. If anyone is interested in putting this issue to a vote, please voice your opinion in the comments. However, until a unanimous decision is made to change the setting on waivers, I will be changing it back as of tomorrow morning at 6 a.m. The early bird gets the worm.

This has nothing to do with football...or does it?

I just thought this was funny.

And this is an incredibly awesome video on how Cris Collinsworth used to pick up girls. He is a sleazeball...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-AyoGQGLxA&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fsportsillustrated%2Ecnn%2Ecom%2F2009%2Fextramustard%2Fhotclicks%2F09%2F14%2Fno%2Ddanielle%2Dlloyd%2Dserena%2Dfreaks%2Findex%2Ehtml&feature=player_embedded#t=102

Ring of Elders: Week 1

Gentlemen,

As you all know, I can be one self-indulgent piece of work. Don't believe me, check out my team name for the year. Or my lists of best and worst team names. Or the “Val Kilmer” post from my Awesome USA! days. Or simply recall any discussion you've ever had with me concerning Tyler Hansbrough or Paul Shaffer.

Well, in that same vein, I'd like to announce that for the rest of the season (or possibly just until I get bored with the exercise) I will be introducing nominees for the our fair league's Ring of Elders. Does our fantasy f-ball league need a Ring of Elders? No, it does not. However, I like this sort of thing. (Similar to how I liked every pick made by every single one of you in last week's live draft in the Swinney Mancave.)

Anyway, here's how this works. I will introduce a new nominee each week. In the comments section of each post, I hope all of you will vote yay or nay as to whether that nominee deserves to be in the Ring of Elders. (I'm also open to other names for this most supreme roundtable of accomplishment, this roll call of our spiritual forefathers. Perhaps the Pirate's Council.) You can vote yay for every single nominee if you'd like. Or nay for every single nominee. Also, I would encourage debate, discussion, and absurdity. The top 4 vote-getters will constitute the Upstanding Pirate Gentlemen's Mount Rushmore. Rick Reilly has his binoculars at the ready.

I realize I haven't done a very good job of explaining how this works, but that's kind of the point. If anyone has any questions, they should probably consult Captain Montana. With his preternatural long-term memory, he will most likely be able to explain how this process works by reference to a similar debate involving Orson the Pig, Rayden from Mortal Kombat, and David Boyles (a good friend of Leonard's).

So, without further ado, the nominee for Week 1 is...

Brother Man (pronounced Bruh Man)



Aliases: Brother Man is an alias I think.

Enemies: Martin (kind of)

Historical Antecedent: Cosmo Kramer? Or was Cosmo Kramer Elvis Presley to Brother Man's Chuck Berry?

Memorable Quote: "Heard it through the grapevine y'all had some Gumbo up in here. So I just came by to hook me up a bowl."

Likes: eating sammiches, stealing food, breaking into apartments

Dislikes: loose-fitting clothing, drama, convention

from Wikipedia: Bruh Man was an extremely presumptuous man who lived on the fifth "flo" directly upstairs from Martin (yet he always put 4 fingers up when relating this fact). Whenever Martin asked what he was doing, Bruh Man would reply: "....just chillin'". He often climbed down the "f-a-a-a-ah 'scape" to break into Martin's apartment, taking food, borrowing assorted items and generally lounging around as if he lived there. In fact, the fire escape seemed his only means of movement throughout the building. He was seldom seen entering or exiting the apartment through the front door. One memorable Bruh Man quote was in an episode in which Martin was having recurring romantic dreams about Pam. Martin wakes up around 3 a.m. and walks into his living room to find Bruh Man making a "s-a-a-a-h-h-mich." After some terse words from Martin, Bruh man asks "What you doin up? I usually have the place to myself 'round this ho-o-our." Bruh Man always wore badly fitting clothing a size or two too small (sometimes items he'd "borrowed" from Martin), and had a characteristic gait consisting of a slow and lazy, rather limping, plodding walk, with his head cocked to one side. Martin, as Bruh Man was heading toward the window to make his exit, once referred to it as his "slow bop." Bruh Man spoke in a deep voice and with a long drawl, not unlike that of Shaquille O'Neal.

UPG moment: too many to narrow it down to one, as you can see below

decidedly un-UPG moment: rumored to have died of an overdose after season 4 (One might very well argue that, normally, a tragic death at an early age would make an individual that much more UPG -- especially when that death comes by way of accidental drug overdose. However, I am unclear as to why this fictional character's death is the stuff of rumor. It would seem that one could get to the bottom of Brother Man's demise simply by renting Season 4 or 5 of Martin.)

Woodrow the Forgetful Pirate

It's official.  Woodrow and the Bengals Are Back are the week 1 recipients of the Benjarvus Green-Ellis/I Forgot to Update My Roster Award.  Congratulations, Jimmy.  But don't worry, I only finished last in the league last year.

The season is upon us...

Alright, I guess I will be the one to bite the bullet and say it on behalf of everyone...I had a great time this weekend, and it was great seeing all of you. I don't think it makes me gay to convey how much fun I had drinking beer, making picks, staring at a draft board for 2+ hours, and laughing hysterically in a room full of dudes. As the league begins, I want to wish best of luck to everyone (except Taylor) and cheers to a glorious season full of unexpected twists, turns, smack talk, back-stabbing, shitty trade offers, countless roster changes, sleepless nights, and most importantly, pure heterosexual bliss at its finest. Godspeed...

decisions that affect us all...unless they've already been made.

Have there been any decisions made regarding the amount of time allowed for each pick?

The Block is Hot

Having received inquiries about my 3rd round pick, I've decided to put that pick on the trading block. Because none of us have 2nd round selections and only 2 of us are slotted to draft in the 3rd round, this pick actually represents the 12th overall pick.

I'm also willing to part with Peyton Manning. So, if you are thinking about going QB in the first round (and either you're not sure your guy will be there or you just prefer Manning), let me know.

I'm not particularly excited about parting ways with either of these commodities. However, I'm running back-poor. I am interested in offers involving running backs and/or draft pick swaps.

DRAFT!!!

The hour grows near. As I understand it, the draft is still scheduled for Saturday at 11 a.m. in my basement. I will provide some refreshments to get us started, and after we finish drafting, I figure we may want to cook out. As far as I’m concerned, the world is our oyster this Saturday. My doors are open for whatever we feel like doing. Bring some swimming gear if we decide to go poolside. Sod field football isn’t out of the question, and there are a couple of basketball hoops pretty close to my place. There will be a host of college football games to watch, which should be good preparation for next year’s draft.

I know not everyone will be able to stay in town, but for anyone who would like to make a whole evening out of the ordeal, you guys and your significant others are absolutely welcome to spend the night at my place. Furthermore, I know that that will be quite a hike for some of you traveling from western Kentucky, so if anyone wants to come up Friday evening, that’s fine with me too. Just give me a little notice, and Mandy and I will make sure we have all the proper accommodations. If you guys are like me, then your girlfriends/fiancés/wives have probably all given you quite a bit of hell about your excitement over a stupid fantasy football draft. They’ve probably even rolled their eyes at the idea of having to travel to my house and sit through that sort of hell. Well, as a courtesy, I created a baby, who is now eight weeks old. She’s pretty much adorable, and she should be able to distract a roomful of girls for about as long as a fantasy football draft takes. After that, you’re on your own.

P.S. I'm game for pretty much anything this weekend, and I won’t name names, but my daughter is not to be involved in any mud clod fights.

Expansion Draft Results

The 2009 Expansion Draft took place last night and this morning. Jim drafted first and fourth. Everett drafted second and third.

1. Jim - Tomlinson, RB, Chargers
2. Everett - Chris Johnson, RB, Titans
3. Everett - Frank Gore, RB, 49ers
4. Jim - Andre Johnson, WR, Texans

Jim will draft in the ninth slot and will lose a second and third round pick. Everett will draft in the ten spot and lose a second and third round pick.

Pirates, my chub has officially drawn full wood. It's really awkward being around my mother this morning.

It's Official

My Esteemed Fantasy Players,

The keepers are in. I list them and the corresponding picks forfeited below.

Jason- Brees and Forte (2nd and 3rd round picks forfeited)
Taylor- Turner and Slaton (2nd and 3rd round picks forfeited)
Scott- Peterson and Calvin Johnson (2nd and 3rd round picks forfeited)
Brandon- S. Jackson and Westbrook (2nd and 3rd round picks forfeited)
Ben- Manning and Fitzgerald (2nd and 4th round picks forfeited)
Tyler- Brady and D. Williams (2nd and 4th round picks forfeited)
John- Portis and Jacobs (3rd and 4th round picks forfeited)
Steve- Jones-Drew and Moss (2nd and 3rd round picks forfeited)

Game on.

Men Dressed Up as Ladies

So did we ever decide which projections we are using to determine which picks we will be giving up?

Keeper Announcement

Hear Ye, Hear Ye! I would like to announce to the surprise of everyone in this league that I am keeping the league's best running back (Adrian 'All Day' Peterson), and (as I am sure this year will prove) the league's best wide receiver (Calvin 'Megatron' Johnson).

I fully expect Mr. Peterson to live up to his own expectations of rushing for 2,000 yards this season, and obliterating anyone and everyone who stands in his way (and, thus, everyone who stands in my way).

I also fully expect Megatron to improve on last year's performance with a more solid running game in place, a not very much improved defense, and Scott Linehan calling the plays. He too will squash all opposition.

I am very much looking forward to this season.

By the way, I just read an article about Larry Fitzgerald's passion for fantasy football. He passed on taking himself last year, by the way.

I guess not everyone weighed in on what to do about the keepers, but I heard no opposition. If you send me your keepers via email, I will post them on the blog as soon as I receive everyone's.

Keeper Time

Sorry, I just got home from work. I think we need to have our keepers established a sent by Thursday at midnight. At that point Jimmy can decide whether he wants fist dips on keeper and 10th pick or 9th pick and second dibs. Everett and Jimmy's draft will snake like a normal draft. They can work that out by Saturday at Midnight. We would then have a week to prepare for the draft. I will defer to Scott as to where and how to send our keepers. Sorry to keep it short. I am in favor of the trade between Brandon and Jason.

Trade

The good doctor and myself have reached an agreement regarding a trade in which I will give him Steven Jackson in exchange for his sixth round pick. Please vote on the viability of this trade, and commentary is welcome.

Tick Tock

We need a ruling, but I’ll start the topic by saying we should have to decide on keepers by Wednesday night. Then Jimmy and Everett can have until Friday night to work through who they are keeping. Do we know if Jimmy chose to get first dibs on keepers and pick tenth or take second and third on keepers and pick ninth in the actual draft? Does he not have to decide until he knows who is being kept?

Michael Vick's Facebook Page

If Michael Vick had a Facebook account, I bet his page would look like this...

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2611/3840770224_c046b4769d_o.jpg

Kevin Smith

This just in...Kevin Smith has been quoted as saying he wants to run for 5,000 yards and 100 touchdowns this season. Not including fumbles, or reception yards, this equates to approximately 295 yards per game and 6 TD's per game on average. At that clip, he will be scoring about 73 points per game for a grand total of 1,241 points on the season. That's not a bad haul, considering AP, A-Rod, and Chris Johnson put up only 765 points for me last season combined.

Usain Bolt

I would be remiss if I didn't take a second to remark on how amazing this guy is. He didn't just break both of his old world records in the 100m and 200m races, he obliterated them along with everyone else in the race. If you have not yet seen his final races in both events, you really should.