As you guys probably read in the New York Times this week, ESPN thinks it can pull off this whole Monday Night Football thing without the legendary Hank Williams, Jr. When I was a youngster, my uncle T-Bone used to let me ride around with him in his Suzuki Samurai playing “Good Beer, Good Whiskey, and Good Lovin’” loud enough to shatter windows. Needless to say, this one is hitting pretty close to home for yours truly. Hank, Jr. is as American as apple pie (or in Hanks' case, guns and Jack Daniels), and it’s hard to understand how this could happen. I think we can all agree this is a run-of-the-mill conspiracy, but for the sake of posterity, let’s take a look at the transcript from Hank’s radio interview with Fox (seriously, this is the real transcript, and it is eerily similar to one of Ben’s Sasquatch interviews):
GRETCHEN CARLSON (co-host): I'd love to pick your brain about politics.
HANK WILLIAMS JR.: Yep.
CARLSON: All right. So, I'll start with an easy question, who do you like in the GOP race?
WILLIAMS: Nobody.
STEVE DOOCY (co-host): Nobody?
WILLIAMS: You remember the — you remember the golf game they had, ladies and gentlemen?
DOOCY: Yeah?
WILLIAMS: Remember the golf game?
DOOCY: Boehner?
WILLIAMS: That was one of the biggest political mistakes ever.
CO-HOSTS: Why?
WILLIAMS: That turned a lot of people off. You know, watching, you know, it just didn't go over.
CARLSON: You mean when John Boehner played golf with President Obama?
WILLIAMS: Oh, yeah! Yeah. And Biden and Kasich, yeah. Uh-huh.
CARLSON: What did you not like about it? It seems to be a really pivotal moment for you.
WILLIAMS: Come on. Come on. It would be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu, OK?
CARLSON: OK.
WILLIAMS: Not hardly. In the country this shape is in, the shape this country's in, I mean, no, I don't think so.
BRIAN KILMEADE (co-host): Yeah, I don't understand that analogy, actually.
DOOCY: Well, it's — it's out there.
WILLIAMS: Well, I'm glad you don't, brother, because a lot of people do. You know, they're the enemy. They're the enemy.
KILMEADE: Who's the enemy?
WILLIAMS: Obama! And Biden! Are you kidding? The Three Stooges.
DOOCY: That's only two.
For those scoring at home, the first line was someone stating that they would love to pick Hank, Jr.’s brain regarding politics. I had to find the transcript to learn what Hank actually said because I was laughing too hard to hear the rest of the interview. Maybe Hank overreacted a little bit with his opinion that two guys playing golf together was one of the biggest political mistakes ever. You know what? I’m not a political scientist, so I can’t say with certainty that he’s wrong. I hope some of the more-qualified members of the blog can weigh in on that front. Even beyond just having a degree in politics, maybe I don’t know the full story about this golf outing. Maybe those guys were using baby deer legs as golf clubs. Maybe they intentionally hit golf balls at adorable infants. Who am I to judge? And like Hank indicated, with the country this shape is in, there is no reason to jump to conclusions.
You know what else? At the end of the day, we’re talking about an American icon who was so excited about the Colts-Bucs game that he wrote a song about it. Think about that. Were you excited about that game? What inspires you so overtly that prose won’t suffice and you have to capture your feelings through song? The only occasions when I write songs are when I spend time with Brooks or following sexual conquests.
Do we really want to tell Hank that he can’t keep on rocking out on Monday nights? This feels a lot like change for the sake of change, and I typically don't support that approach. Be that as it may, we've found ourselves in quite a pickle, and I don't know how we replace Hank. Sure, there are some obvious choices: Justin Bieber, J-Lo, or anyone who just successfully completed a course of treatment at Celebrity Rehab. I want you guys to weigh in and tell me who can fill those enormous, whiskey-soaked boots that Hank, Jr. wore so well over the last twenty-three years.
