Look you assholes. I'm making the playoffs. I don't know what any of you are thinking in trying to keep me out of the playoffs. Our fantasy football playoff bracket is like a second home to me. Or really, more like a first home, because I don't technically have a home right now.
I didn't want it to come to this. I really didn't. But as I sit here in my oversized red velvet chair, stroking the silky fur of my black cat, and staring into a raging fire only one thought comes to mind: One way or the other, I'll be in the playoffs.
Take that however you want. Maybe it's a threat. Maybe not.
I know what you are thinking too. (You can't be as successful in fantasy football as I have been without knowing what your opponents are thinking on a daily basis.) Turner is out for four to six weeks. Carolina refuses to run the ball with regularity and Delhomme is intercepted on one of five throws. Hester, Housh, and Evans refuse to consistently produce yardage and hate the endzones. And Roy Williams should be euthanized.
But come hell or high water (anyone know what this means) I will be playing for the championship. Get your guns ready, soldier up, and bring it. Because I've brought it in the past, and I'll continue to bring it for the next three weeks. It's going to be a bloodbath of epic proportions.
Like Tristan Ludlow returning to the family ranch with heads of cattle as far as the eye can see, Roundball Portfolio is back with so much college basketball information and analysis that you will literally vomit in your mouth.
Let's be honest. No one really cares about the Ring of Elders, so I am not even going to apologize for the delay in getting this up. Oh, and it's going to be a twofer to start the process of making up for the weeks I missed. If you are keeping count at home, the Ring of Elders currently consists of Blue Traveler (3 votes), Brother Man (2 votes), Mothman (2 votes), and David Icke (1 vote). By now, if you care about this process, you know the drill. So, without further ado, the week 5 and 6 nominees are Edward Gorey and Foghorn Leghorn. Edward Gorey
Aliases: Ogdred Weary, Doger Wryde, Ms. Regera Dowdy, Eduard Blutig, O. Mude, Wardore Edgy, Raddory Gewe, E.G. Deadworry, D. Awdrey-Gore, Edward Pig, Madame Groeda Weyrd
Enemies: none Historical Antecedent: an American original
Memorable Quote: “If you're doing nonsense, it has to be rather awful, because there'd be no point. I'm trying to think if there is sunny nonsense. Sunny, funny nonsense for children – oh, how boring, boring, boring. As Schubert said, there is no happy music. And that's true, there really isn't. And there's probably no happy nonsense either.” Likes: Batman, soap operas, cats
Dislikes: children, sunlight, physical contact from Wikipeda: Edward Gorey was an illustrator and writer who classified his work as literary nonsense. Gorey wrote over 100 books and illustrated more than 50 other books written by other authors. He often wrote his books under pseudonyms, which were anagrams of his own name. Gorey's illustrated (and sometimes wordless) books, with their vaguely ominous air and ostensibly Victorian and Edwardian settings, have long had a cult following. Gorey became particularly well-known through his animated introduction to the PBS series Mystery! In later years, he lived year-round in Cape Cod, where he wrote and directed numerous evening-length entertainments, often featuring his own papier-mache puppets, in an ensemble known as La Theatricule Stoique. His major theatrical work was the libretto for an Opera Seria for Hand Puppets titled The White Canoe. Gorey once agreed with an interviewer that the “sexlessness” of his novels were a product of his asexuality. Although his books were popular with children, he did not associate with children much and had no particular fondness for them. His home in Cape Cod is called Elephant House. UPG moment: gentlemen, the Gashlycrumb Tinies
decidedly un-UPG moment: I have yet to find one Foghorn Leghorn
Aliases: Exit Wounds, Star Wars
Enemies: Barnyard Dawg, Henery Hawk, Rhode Island Red (though theirs was more of a friendly rivalry)
Historical Antecedent: Senator Beauregard Claghorn Memorable Quote: “Gal reminds me of the highway between Fort Worth and Dallas. No curves.”
Likes: the ladies, mischief, jive-talking
Dislikes: yankees, know-it-alls, dudley-do-rights from Wikipeda: Foghorn Leghorn was a large, anthropomorphized adult rooster with a strong Virginia or Kentucky accent and a penchant for mischief. He died in 2003 in a gruesome train wreck while on vacation in Canada. UPG moment: let the raucous hilarity ensue
decidedly un-UPG moment: seems to be vaguely racist and homophobic
