Your Monday Afternoon General Manager (9/28)

This is the second installment of Your Monday Afternoon General Manager's observations and opinions on the Sunday afternoon/evening NFL games.

1. The Ass Ton of Receivers - In the 15 mock drafts I conducted prior to the draft the Iron Curtain ended up with at least two stud receivers. In some, he had three. In the 100+ mock drafts that Tyler planned on doing, the receivers would have undoubtedly still landed with Iron C. But I in no way saw him having five (maybe six) stud receivers that would start on a lot of teams. Iron Curtain's receiving corp is sickening. For my sanity, as well as the sanity of others, trade at least two of them for a running back. As Tyler would say: trade bait!

2. Snelling vs. The Seaward - Remember playing pickup basketball at Transy and Repass was on the team opposite of your own. Then the team consisting of Repass and others would beat your own team. Even if that team had Brandon and Jimmy you still had trouble explaining how a team with Repass on it could beat your own. Then you would think about it for the next several days trying to piece together the embarrassing loss. That's how Jason is going to feel all week if Witten doesn't score two touchdowns with 100 yards receiving tonight.

3. Still Winless - Jim has already dropped to 0-3 after a battle against winning with John. While some of the talk last week was how Tyler's team was still good even though they were 0-2, I seem to be in the Jim camp on this one. I think Jim's got a good team, but just can't seem to get any more production from Shockey or Graham. The Leftwich start blew up in Jim's face, and I'm honestly surprised he still has a home in this league. Unless Steve Smith outscores Felix Jones by 20 it will also send Tyler to 0-3 and as a byproduct several text messages sent my way using the f-bomb.

4. 3-0 - are Brandon and Ben who seem to be clicking on all cylinders at this point. Ben's team looks phenomenal with the return of Thomas and the emergence of Vincent Jackson as Rivers' favorite target. Brandon is also on a roll. The Lesean McCoy handicap was a thing of art. He is really showing a lot of us how to fantasy this year. Tyler, get a pen and pad and take some notes. Scott has a pretty stacked team and could easily get his third win tonight. It makes me sick.

New Waiver Rule

The proper changes are now being made and will be in place for this weekend's games.

Vote of No Confidence

Gentlemen,
Our commissioner seems to have gone AWOL, as the measure we approved more than a week ago still has not been implemented. What should be done about this situation?
Digital

Ring of Elders: Week 3

Jerks,

Well, it looks like everyone hates the Ring of Elders. Just four of you managed to vote or abstain in week 1, and only two of you managed to vote on the second nominee. For what it's worth, the Good Doctor did make a comment about the Ring of Elders, but he did so on a post which had nothing to do with the Ring of Elders (and his comment was about Urkel).

After two weeks, the Ring of Elders, quite literally the Mount Rushmore of our Gentlemen's Game mind you, consists of Brother Man (2 votes) and David Icke (1 vote). This week's nominee is...

Blues Traveler


Aliases: Black Hole Sun, John Popper, The Harmonica King, El Tigre Rojo, Neck Babies, Big Fat Fatty

Enemies: Pearl Jam, Michael Stipe

Historical Antecedent: The Beatles

Memorable Quote: “From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.”

Likes: jamming, collecting weapons, marijuana

Dislikes: hippies, gun control, being fat

from Wikipedia: Blues Traveler is widely considered the greatest musician in the history of the world. He began performing in 1987, traveling the American west with his harmonica and playing at hole-in-the-wall bars. After acclaimed music producer Danny Tamberelli recognized Traveler's greatness, he was signed by Paramount Records and instantaneously began playing in front of legions of fans at some of the most spectacular locations on the face of the Earth – including the Golden Gate Bridge. 1994 was an enormous year for Traveler, as he released the singles “Blind Melon” and “Black Hole Sun” from his triple sold out platinum album 40 Licks. Traveler used to be extremely overweight but had gastric bypass to fix that.

UPG moment: soak it in...




decidedly un-UPG moment: Traveler's 1999 release of an experimental record under the name Chris Gaines

Interesting Tidbits

The player with the most receiving yards in the NFL right now is Dallas Clark. The 2nd...Steve Smith...FROM THE GIANTS!
Darren Sproles has more receiving yards than Randy Moss.
According to passer rating, Tom Brady is the 21st best QB right now, sandwiched between Byron Leftwich at 20 and Chad Pennington at 22.
Drew Brees is essentially perfect (no surprise there).
Adrian Peterson is averaging a ridiculous 6.8 yards per carry and is on pace to be the first 2000 yard rusher since Jamal Lewis in 2003.
The Denver Broncos and the New York Jets are statistically the two best defenses in the league, and it's not even really close.

I'll be interested to see how everything plays out as the season progresses.

Your Monday Afternoon General Manager

This is the first installment of Your Monday Afternoon General Manager's observations and opinions on the Sunday afternoon/evening NFL games.

1. Parity - I have been pleasantly surprised by the parity between most of the teams in our fantasy football league thus far. Although it lacks consistency, our league doesn't seem to have a dominant team or teams emerging at this point. The Discombobulators put up the lowest score in week 1 and then the highest score ever in week 2. In both years past, it was clear after week 1 to Jason and I that we had the two most dominant teams. After week 2, the rest of you knew it. At this point in the season every team has a chance to make the playoffs, well at least nine out of the ten.

2. Unlucky Teams Missing the Playoffs - Previously, with the exception of The Israeli Frogmen of last year, I have felt that every team that made the playoffs deserved to be there. Ben's Frogmen put up the third most total points last season, but missed the playoffs due to a tie with me and several close losses to top teams. Fantasy gods were not kind to Ben last year, but they have, for the most part, been generous to our league ruling with righteous fist. However, I think the playoff picture this year could really leave deserving teams outside of the fence looking in. Don't get the wrong idea - I like it. It certainly adds some drama to the league. But hear me out - some teams will face Jason, Ben, Scott, and myself twice a year. That's three champions and a deserving playoff team from a year ago with a 2-0 record this year. On the flip side some teams will get to play Tyler twice in a season while others will only get to play him once.

3. Everett's Magical Sunday - The performance of Everett's team yesterday was truly something for the record books. It is probably safe to say the score he finishes with tonight will never be topped. In fact, I think that score would be almost impossible to beat even if you were playing in a league by yourself. To think that will likely be able to take Tyler's score after tonight and add any one else's score to that and Everett will still have one is truly something remarkable about this performance.

4. 0-2 - By my estimations there will be three winless teams after tonight. It's a hole, but not an unclimboutofable hole by any means. Last year Brandon started 1-6 and made the playoffs and that was only a four-team tournament. There were bright spots on all three of the winless teams in week two. Jim had a great game from Andre Johnson and Donald Driver (who was benched). John got fantastic performances from DeSean Jackson, Roethlisberger, and Steve Smith of the Giants, but had them all benched. There is certainly enough on both rosters to be excited about. Finally, even Tyler had one bright spot in week two. Regardless of what happens this year his team will always have a place in the Upstanding Pirate Gentlemen Hall of Face as being on the receiving end of Everett's Week 2 Sunday Magic and the greatest fantasy beating of all time. Way to go!

Ring of Elders: Week 2

Gentlemen,

I apologize for not getting this up sooner. Last week you were introduced to the process by which we will elect a Ring of Elders for our fair league. While I was more than a little worried that you fine gentlemen would not take to this somewhat vague idea, I am happy to announce that you have all but set a mandate that this exercise must continue. Two of you cast votes for Week 1's nominee – Brother Man. Two more abstained on the grounds that they were not allowed to watch Brother Man's antics in the mid-90s. Five of you could not find the time or the motivation to cast a vote.

For now Brother Man stands alone on the Mount Rushmore of the Gentlemen's Game. Three spots remain, and, of course, Brother Man's perch is only provisional and is by all estimations quite precarious.

Having fairly evaluated the candidacy of Brother Man, I would now like you to turn your attention to the nominee for Week 2...

David Icke



Aliases: One would think that someone espousing the ideas Icke pedals would have an alias, but, alas, Icke hides behind no nom de plume.

Enemies: an undefined “they”, a conspiratorial “them”

Historical Antecedent: Walt Disney?

Memorable Quote: “I am a channel for the Christ spirit. The title was given to me very recently by the Godhead.”

Likes: connecting the dots, Canadians, ayahuasca

Dislikes: the global elite, lizard people, haters

from Wikipedia: British writer and public speaker who has devoted himself since 1990 to researching “who and what is really controlling the world.” Former professional football player, reporter, television sports presenter, and spokesman for the Green party, he is the author of 20 books explaining his views. In 1999, he published The Biggest Secret, in which he wrote that the Illuminati are a race of reptilian humanoids known as the Babylonian Brotherhood, and that many prominent figures are reptilian, including George W. Bush, Queen Elizabeth II, Kris Kristofferson, and Boxcar Willie. In an interview on the Terry Wogan Show broadcast 29 April 1991, he announced that he was “the son of God,” and that Britain would be devastated by tidal waves and earthquakes. Icke states that the reptilians walk erect and appear to be human, living not only on the planets they come from, but also in caverns and tunnels under the earth. They have cross-bred with humans, creating “hybrids” who are “possessed” by the full-blooded reptilians. The reptiles' hybrid reptilian-human DNA allows them to change from reptilian to human form if they consume human blood.

UPG moment: Tony Blair does look like a turtle.



decidely un-UPG moment: not so much a moment as the general opinion that Icke is anti-semitic

Recon to Norman

I went to Norman, OK tonight for two things. 1. Look at college women, they are still pretty awesome. 2. Hopefully find Adrian Peterson's kryptonite and use it in my match-up this weekend. It was hidden deep in a campus building. Scott must have known my plans - he surrounded the treasure with large-breasted, scantily-clad security guardladies. It's a new day, I resisted and I'm out for AP this weekend.

New Waiver Rule

The new waiver rule will be updated tomorrow night at 8 central time. Be ready.

Weird Week

If you had told me that Tim Hightower would be the Cardinals leading receiver, that the Chicago-Green Bay score would be 3-2 at the half, that Ricky Williams would be a bigger fantasy producer than Michael Turner and Ronnie Brown, that the Bills were a bone-headed fumble away from beating the Patriots in the 4th, and that Oakland would give San Diego all it could handle, that Fred Jackson would make the Patriots his bitch, that Devin Hester would outscore Calvin Johnson, and that Baltimore would have a worse defensive showing against KC than Oakland did against San Diego, and that my QB, wide receivers, and tight end would combine for 16 points yet I would go on to put up the highest score of the week by 20 points, I would have punched you in the mouth for being a bitch. Fortunately no one said all of that to me, because I would have some serious apologizing to do today.
The only thing that wasn't weird was The Purple Jesus being the high scorer of the week. Get used to that Gents.

Waiver Wire Ballot

We have a request for a vote on waiver wire settings. I will not be changing any settings until the vote is final. Please vote below.

1.) First Game of Week-Tuesday waiver for all unowned players (This is our current setting, not what we used last year. It places all unowned players on the waiver list instead of having them available to pick up at anytime.

2.)None-no waiver for unowned players (This was last years settings and allowed owners to pick up any undrafted or unowned player in a first come first serve manner)

Fixing the Waiver

First, let me offer congratulations to all this weeks winners. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like there are any games left to be decided by Monday Night Football. Second, my condolences to those who dropped their week one games but I do offer you a warm welcome to fantasy hell..... its not really that bad once you get used to it.

Now to business. I am very sorry for the waver wire confusion that has taken place in week one. Last year, all unowned players were available to be picked up at any time. I made the mistake, because I didn't understand the settings, of putting all unowned players on a First game - Tuesday waiver wire. I don't want to get into all the specifics about how this works....partly because I still don't know that I understand it, but I want everyone to know that I am changing it back. Tomorrow morning at 6 a.m. central time, I will be changing back to last year's format. Just like the rest of the settings, it should have required a vote to change the waiver wire settings. If anyone is interested in putting this issue to a vote, please voice your opinion in the comments. However, until a unanimous decision is made to change the setting on waivers, I will be changing it back as of tomorrow morning at 6 a.m. The early bird gets the worm.

This has nothing to do with football...or does it?

I just thought this was funny.

And this is an incredibly awesome video on how Cris Collinsworth used to pick up girls. He is a sleazeball...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-AyoGQGLxA&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fsportsillustrated%2Ecnn%2Ecom%2F2009%2Fextramustard%2Fhotclicks%2F09%2F14%2Fno%2Ddanielle%2Dlloyd%2Dserena%2Dfreaks%2Findex%2Ehtml&feature=player_embedded#t=102

Ring of Elders: Week 1

Gentlemen,

As you all know, I can be one self-indulgent piece of work. Don't believe me, check out my team name for the year. Or my lists of best and worst team names. Or the “Val Kilmer” post from my Awesome USA! days. Or simply recall any discussion you've ever had with me concerning Tyler Hansbrough or Paul Shaffer.

Well, in that same vein, I'd like to announce that for the rest of the season (or possibly just until I get bored with the exercise) I will be introducing nominees for the our fair league's Ring of Elders. Does our fantasy f-ball league need a Ring of Elders? No, it does not. However, I like this sort of thing. (Similar to how I liked every pick made by every single one of you in last week's live draft in the Swinney Mancave.)

Anyway, here's how this works. I will introduce a new nominee each week. In the comments section of each post, I hope all of you will vote yay or nay as to whether that nominee deserves to be in the Ring of Elders. (I'm also open to other names for this most supreme roundtable of accomplishment, this roll call of our spiritual forefathers. Perhaps the Pirate's Council.) You can vote yay for every single nominee if you'd like. Or nay for every single nominee. Also, I would encourage debate, discussion, and absurdity. The top 4 vote-getters will constitute the Upstanding Pirate Gentlemen's Mount Rushmore. Rick Reilly has his binoculars at the ready.

I realize I haven't done a very good job of explaining how this works, but that's kind of the point. If anyone has any questions, they should probably consult Captain Montana. With his preternatural long-term memory, he will most likely be able to explain how this process works by reference to a similar debate involving Orson the Pig, Rayden from Mortal Kombat, and David Boyles (a good friend of Leonard's).

So, without further ado, the nominee for Week 1 is...

Brother Man (pronounced Bruh Man)



Aliases: Brother Man is an alias I think.

Enemies: Martin (kind of)

Historical Antecedent: Cosmo Kramer? Or was Cosmo Kramer Elvis Presley to Brother Man's Chuck Berry?

Memorable Quote: "Heard it through the grapevine y'all had some Gumbo up in here. So I just came by to hook me up a bowl."

Likes: eating sammiches, stealing food, breaking into apartments

Dislikes: loose-fitting clothing, drama, convention

from Wikipedia: Bruh Man was an extremely presumptuous man who lived on the fifth "flo" directly upstairs from Martin (yet he always put 4 fingers up when relating this fact). Whenever Martin asked what he was doing, Bruh Man would reply: "....just chillin'". He often climbed down the "f-a-a-a-ah 'scape" to break into Martin's apartment, taking food, borrowing assorted items and generally lounging around as if he lived there. In fact, the fire escape seemed his only means of movement throughout the building. He was seldom seen entering or exiting the apartment through the front door. One memorable Bruh Man quote was in an episode in which Martin was having recurring romantic dreams about Pam. Martin wakes up around 3 a.m. and walks into his living room to find Bruh Man making a "s-a-a-a-h-h-mich." After some terse words from Martin, Bruh man asks "What you doin up? I usually have the place to myself 'round this ho-o-our." Bruh Man always wore badly fitting clothing a size or two too small (sometimes items he'd "borrowed" from Martin), and had a characteristic gait consisting of a slow and lazy, rather limping, plodding walk, with his head cocked to one side. Martin, as Bruh Man was heading toward the window to make his exit, once referred to it as his "slow bop." Bruh Man spoke in a deep voice and with a long drawl, not unlike that of Shaquille O'Neal.

UPG moment: too many to narrow it down to one, as you can see below

decidedly un-UPG moment: rumored to have died of an overdose after season 4 (One might very well argue that, normally, a tragic death at an early age would make an individual that much more UPG -- especially when that death comes by way of accidental drug overdose. However, I am unclear as to why this fictional character's death is the stuff of rumor. It would seem that one could get to the bottom of Brother Man's demise simply by renting Season 4 or 5 of Martin.)

Woodrow the Forgetful Pirate

It's official.  Woodrow and the Bengals Are Back are the week 1 recipients of the Benjarvus Green-Ellis/I Forgot to Update My Roster Award.  Congratulations, Jimmy.  But don't worry, I only finished last in the league last year.

The season is upon us...

Alright, I guess I will be the one to bite the bullet and say it on behalf of everyone...I had a great time this weekend, and it was great seeing all of you. I don't think it makes me gay to convey how much fun I had drinking beer, making picks, staring at a draft board for 2+ hours, and laughing hysterically in a room full of dudes. As the league begins, I want to wish best of luck to everyone (except Taylor) and cheers to a glorious season full of unexpected twists, turns, smack talk, back-stabbing, shitty trade offers, countless roster changes, sleepless nights, and most importantly, pure heterosexual bliss at its finest. Godspeed...

decisions that affect us all...unless they've already been made.

Have there been any decisions made regarding the amount of time allowed for each pick?

The Block is Hot

Having received inquiries about my 3rd round pick, I've decided to put that pick on the trading block. Because none of us have 2nd round selections and only 2 of us are slotted to draft in the 3rd round, this pick actually represents the 12th overall pick.

I'm also willing to part with Peyton Manning. So, if you are thinking about going QB in the first round (and either you're not sure your guy will be there or you just prefer Manning), let me know.

I'm not particularly excited about parting ways with either of these commodities. However, I'm running back-poor. I am interested in offers involving running backs and/or draft pick swaps.