Razor Burn

Taylor, I’m sorry to announce that you have joined John, Brandon, and yours truly amongst the dregs of this league. You will not compete in the playoffs this year. You WILL promise vengeance for this atrocity. You WILL be able to blame many factors (I’m primarily blaming league randomness, absurd injuries, cramps, and mood swings). If you want to utilize other coping mechanisms that I favored over the past week, then I recommend drinking beer, eating ice cream, combining those two things, and listening to a whole lot of Adele. As for those of you who are still in contention for a playoff spot? I wish nothing but the BEEEEESSSST FOR YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU.

Landry Hat? Yeah, that’s Jimmy’s this week. Not that he’s reading this right now, but whatever he is doing, he should be doing it while wearing a very smug expression on his face. He traded Andre Johnson and Jeremy Maclin (who combined for two points this week) and got Beanie Wells and Marshawn Lynch (combined for 57 points this week). Furthermore, he’s beating Scott by enough that he would have won even if he didn’t enjoy this week’s +55 from those two trades.

A Message to the Top Six

Six:

I'm coming for you. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat your children. Praise be to Allah!

I want to rip your hearts out and feed them to you. I want to kill people. I want to rip your stomachs out and eat your children.

You're all sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend.

I paid a zoo to re-open it just for me. When I got in to the gorilla cage there was one big silverback gorilla bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendent $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox!

I really dig Hannibul. Hannibul had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage.

Yours,
Occam's Razor

Goodnight, Travel Well

“We can be happy to know he’s in heaven, doing the two things he loves most: eating carrots and urinating.”

And so passes Li’l Sebastions. Clinging precariously to a three-point lead, I figured The Great Gronkowski would easily snag a victory for Taylor’s surging squad, but a boy can certainly dream. When Gronk broke loose for his long first-half TD, I looked at my wife, and noted that it’s ironic that a man who could be categorized as a porn star groupie would seal my poor fantasy squad’s fate.

The porn industry and fantasy football: two reliable, pure, seemingly innocent institutions, somehow coming together to ruin my life. Mandy obviously didn’t follow my line of reasoning (or lack thereof...I was in a pretty weird place), but that’s okay, she’s really pretty.

Gentlemen, it has not been a pleasure. It’s been a horrendous season. Reflecting on it makes me think of barbed wire, Nick Cage movies, Nickelback, and other awful things. I thank none of you, and blame most of you. Perhaps I was asking for this fate. After all, Li’l Sebastion only appeared in two episodes of Parks & Rec, and (spoiler alert) he died in one of those episodes. Fortunately, he went out with a bang, not a whimper. I like to think my squad can now do the same. It will be a long offseason (I already mocked out the first five rounds one time last week…yes, I’m an idiot), but we’ll return seeking the most satisfying redemption imaginable.

Although, I won’t be able to make the post-season myself, I do intend to ruin anyone else’s season that I can impact. Of course without Adrian Peterson next week, that threat rings a little hollow. No Landry Hat. Everyone loses. I leave you with a tribute song from Li'l Sebastion's funeral.

Tom Landry Hat: Week 9

"They callin me an alien
a big-headed astronaut
Maybe it's because yo boy
Yeezy get ass a lot"
-Kanye West

You thought a Kanye West-Tom Landry cross-reference was outside of my wheelhouse? Guess again. I'll admit that I'm not exactly sure what that quote means, but it feels like it perfectly describes Steve's season so far. Girls, Steve is operating on another level, and we're all suffering for it.

I got an up-close-and-personal look at Steve's mastery this week. With Cam Newton on bye, Steve simply picked up another rookie QB, and the Red Rocket garnered 20 fantasy points. He slid Julio Jones into his lineup because Peyton Hillis and Montario Hardesty were both injured. Result? How about 33 points from his rookie WR? Am I bitter? Absolutely, but that bitterness is overshadowed by mad respect.

Steve has depth and star power, and he's sitting alone in first place. I award him Week 9's Landry Hat, and I admit that it's long overdue. He's also the front-runner for manager of the year (is that an award?). I don't know if I still have a shot at the hypothetical manager of the year award, but I like my chances in the "wait, Jason really started Dallas Clark again?" trophy (accepting charitable contributions in the form of tight ends)

Actual Fantasy Football discussion

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, gents, but the season is more than halfway over, unless, like me but unlike Taylor, you are going to the playoffs.  At this stage, I think it prudent to evaluate draft busts and bargains.

Bargains (round picked; ppg):

Fred Jackson (6th; 21)
Matt Forte (2nd; 19)
McCoy (2nd; 22)
Mathews (7th; 14)
Darren Sproles (10th; 12)
Calvin Johnson (1st but after keepers; 19)
Wes Welker (4th; 20)
Steve Smith (8th; 16)
AJ Green (7th; 12)
Mike Wallace (3rd; 14)
Jordy Nelson (14th; 10)
Rob Gronkowski (14th, you're welcome Taylor; 11)
Aaron Hernandez (8th; 12)
Jimmy Graham (7th; 13)
Matt Stafford (8th; 21)
Ryan Fitzpatrick (12th; 17)
Eli Manning (10th; 20)
Aaron Rodgers (1st or 2nd; 29)  Anyone who averages 29 ppg is a value at any place in the draft.

Of course there are also waiver wire all-stars: Cam Newton (27 ppg), Fred Davis (9 ppg), Victor Cruz (9 ppg), Eric Decker (11 ppg), and it looks like Demarco Murray and Jackie Battle might be heading in that direction.  Note that some of the ppg averages are a little skewed because players (e.g. Cruz) played in games earlier this year but have assumed larger roles as of late.

Busts (Round picked; ppg)
Let's get injuries out of the way first:
Jamaal Charles (1st), Ryan Williams (5th), and Peyton Manning (2nd after keepers) were either injured very early into the season or never made it to the field.  I am also going to limit this to the first 5 rounds, because, although bargains are easy to call, busts become much more tricky.

Chris Johnson (1st; 7)
Peyton Hillis (1st; 9)
DeAngelo Williams (3rd; 5)
Knowshon Moreno (4th; 5)
Shonne Greene (3rd; 8)
Ryan Grant (5th; 3)
Felix Jones (3rd; 7)
Reggie Wayne (3rd; 6)
Brandon Lloyd (3rd; 8)
Mike Williams (4th; 5)
Dallas Clark (5th; 5)
Phillip Rivers (2nd;  16)

Finally, let me just say two things. 1) This list is subjective, so if you don't agree then you are wrong.  And, 2) I didn't add some players who were injured for a game or a few games, like Andre Johnson.