“We can be happy to know he’s in heaven, doing the two things he loves most: eating carrots and urinating.”
And so passes Li’l Sebastions. Clinging precariously to a three-point lead, I figured The Great Gronkowski would easily snag a victory for Taylor’s surging squad, but a boy can certainly dream. When Gronk broke loose for his long first-half TD, I looked at my wife, and noted that it’s ironic that a man who could be categorized as a porn star groupie would seal my poor fantasy squad’s fate.
The porn industry and fantasy football: two reliable, pure, seemingly innocent institutions, somehow coming together to ruin my life. Mandy obviously didn’t follow my line of reasoning (or lack thereof...I was in a pretty weird place), but that’s okay, she’s really pretty.
Gentlemen, it has not been a pleasure. It’s been a horrendous season. Reflecting on it makes me think of barbed wire, Nick Cage movies, Nickelback, and other awful things. I thank none of you, and blame most of you. Perhaps I was asking for this fate. After all, Li’l Sebastion only appeared in two episodes of Parks & Rec, and (spoiler alert) he died in one of those episodes. Fortunately, he went out with a bang, not a whimper. I like to think my squad can now do the same. It will be a long offseason (I already mocked out the first five rounds one time last week…yes, I’m an idiot), but we’ll return seeking the most satisfying redemption imaginable.
Although, I won’t be able to make the post-season myself, I do intend to ruin anyone else’s season that I can impact. Of course without Adrian Peterson next week, that threat rings a little hollow. No Landry Hat. Everyone loses. I leave you with a tribute song from Li'l Sebastion's funeral.
It's a good thing he carries that jersey around with him wherever he goes, or people would not have known who that porn star groupie is.
ReplyDeleteIf that is his apartment or house where that picture was taken, he needs better furniture. Also, who was taking the picture? I love you.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking the same thing about our glimpse into the apartment. If it's Gronk's place, then you know his brother/teammate lives there too. Therefore, the household income is more than sufficient to make a trip to IKEA. It honestly looks like there might be a beanbag chair next to the doorway.
ReplyDeleteIf it's his female acquaintance's residence, then I think she needs to remove the word "star" from her job description. Clearly, she's still more in the "aspiring" point of her career arc. My opinion in that regard is even stronger if they are on site for some of her work duties. I can't even see a chandelier!