The John Buonadonna Pointless Rankings of the Week

1. Pork n Beans +106
2. The Black Popes +97
3. Biscuit Pants +34
4. Priapism +28
5. Team Ramrod + 25
6. Occam's Razor + 24
7. Extra Black - 12
8. Mike Brown - 30
9. Lil' Sebastions - 41
10. Cauliflower Horizon - 57
11. Mussolini's Meanies - 69
12. TalentlessPricks - 105


Also:

1. Blinds +59
2. Socks + 11
3. Noise +3
4. Fossils -2
5. Salads -9
6. Knobs on Cabinets -43

Mount Rushmore of Murray

Well done, DeMarco. After your incendiary performance on Sunday, you joined Chad Michael, Bill, and Murray Hewitt on the Mount Rushmore of Murray. I'm sure Kyle is disappointed that he's been relegated to the second tier, but chin up, Kyle, the Mount Rushmore of Murray is an ambulatory digital sculpture. You pull off another one of your classic Milton Berle comebacks and Chad Michael will be kicked to the curb. And it's not like I left Kyle amongst the dregs of society...

(Kyle, Murray State University, tennis sensation Andy Murray, singer Ann Murray, and the lovable canine companion from the hit sitcom "Mad About You")

In other news, Scott gets this week's Landry Hat. With a level of blind faith that can only be associated with the likes of Tim Tebow, he traded away Matt Stafford in an effort to upgrade his receivers. We also can't ignore Scott's unbelievable curse on John's team. John lost by only four in a game where McFadden got hurt in the first quarter and delivered a goose egg. He also received Matt Stafford and Santana Moss in a trade from Scott, only to have those two injured within about six hours of the trade being finalized. Steve also gets recognition for gutting it out during a difficult bye week, and getting a nice win to take sole possession of first place.

Brandon, your Bicycle Man video from "Different Strokes" garners you whatever the opposite of the Landry Hat would be (accepting submissions). My water bill is going to be insane after taking about forty hot showers since I watched it. Why did the audience keep laughing despite Bicycle Man's lascivious intentions? Why?!

Landry Hat

So that Jason doesn't seem like an asshole by giving himself the hat, I will serve as his proxy and designate Jason as the winner of the Landry hat for his performance over the past two weeks.  Jason has come from the depths and put up some of the highest scores the past two weeks (much to my chagrin) and now leaves Taylor to rot by himself alone in last place.  Congratulations, my friend, especially on beating me with my own ex-player.

Landry Hat, Dummies!

(Fifth picture retrieved when I entered a Google images search of "Bengals Mike Brown and Tom Landry")

Well color me indecisive, but after literally days of painstaking analysis, I can’t bring myself to award the Landry hat to only one man this week. Jimmy, Kyle, congratulations. Not only did Jimmy prevail in a fantasy match-up, but the Bengals won and Ohio State held a large lead for a good portion of its game against Nebraska. And guess what else? Terrelle Pryor served out his suspension and gets to start practicing for the Raiders this week! Pretty close to a homerun weekend for Mr. Wood.

Jimmy’s running backs have been holding him down this year, but he deserves some serious praise for the drafting of WRs. A.J. Green was not expected to produce like this as a rookie, and Jeremy Maclin bounced back from a potentially life-threatening illness to put up the same numbers as he did last year—when his mortality was not at all in question. Jim has even charmed his way past this league’s vaunted Steve Smith curse, and that diminutive but feisty wide-out has rewarded Jim handsomely. In a lineup move that can only be described as sagacious, Jim sat the Bears defense on Monday night because he’d already secured a win over previously-undefeated Pork ‘n Beans. A Monday night meltdown would have tormented his team’s psyche for the rest of the year, and Detroit’s offense seems capable of sending a few defenses to negative points. Great job, Jim!


Kyle gets a share of the Week 5 Landry hat due to his flair for the dramatic. Down by 29 going into Monday night, Kyle sandbagged through nearly three quarters before unleashing Jahvid Best on an 88-yard TD scamper that all but guaranteed him victory. Despite Ramrod’s pedestrian weeks from Brady and Fitzgerald, Kyle managed to squeeze blood from a stone (which I’ve seen him do twice in real life) and got 26 points out of Pierre Garcon. If he can get wins without big showings by Larry and Tom, then his team will continue to be a contender. I’m next in line for the Ramrod wrecking ball, and I’m hardly looking forward to being bested in any football-related competition by a man named Pierre (Yes I’ve used this joke before, shut your stupid faces). Jim, Kyle, please address the media with your acceptance speeches.

Or To Make Some Sense

Total Points Power Rankings:

1. Ben L. - 541 (4-1)
2. Steve - 538 (4-1)
3. Kyle - 524 (3-2)
4. Taylor - 490 (1-4)
5. Scott - 483 (4-1)
6. Ben E. - 470 (3-2)
7. Jim - 457 (3-2)
8. Tyler - 449 (2-3)
9. John - 436 - (1-4)
10. Everett - 427 (2-3)
11. Jason - 398 (1-4)
12. Brandon - 347 (2-3)

Something stands out, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Rankings

We all know that teams in the league should be further up on the rankings and others should apparently still be last. Its like the popular vote. Gore '00

Here are rankings based on points scored and points scored against.

1. Black Popes +87
2. Pork N Beans +67
3. Team Ramrod +48
4. Biscuit Pants +37
5. Priaprism +30
6. Extra Black +18
7. Mike Brown -1
8. Occams Razor -9
9. Callifower Horizon -45
10. Blood Meridian -64
11. Mussolini's M. -68
12. Lil Sebastions -100

Christina Reacts to Week 5

Christina Aguilera was recently interviewed by UPG about the season so far and Week 5 of UPG.
Even though she was equipped with a microphone, at times she never spoke. We were left to interpret her reactions, grunts and almost coherent spoken answers in response to our questions.

Upstanding Pirate Gentlemen: Christina, the NFL season almost didn't happen. How did you feel when you heard labor disputes had been resolved and the lockout would end?
Christina Aguilera:


CA: Wooohhhoaauahahah! Praise NFL, Myra Kraft as the new Jesus, and workers' rights everywhere. I couldn't waaaiiaaiaiaiiauauaguaut for the the season to start. Oh yeah!
UPG: We were all very excited, weren't we.


UPG: What was your reaction to UPG Week 5. Li'l Sebastions got their first win with the most points of the week, the two undefeateds both lost, Eli and AP posted pretty high numbers.
CA:YYYEEEAAAAAAAaaaggghhhh!

UPG: Next question then?

UPG: Tina, Aaron Rodgers has led UPG in points this year. Did you see that one coming?


UPG: TINA! Calm down. We're all fans but we don't need to force ourselves to fellate what I'm sure you are convinced is ARod's man member. We'll just write down, 'you are happy for him'... Oh, he's on your own fantasy team? That reaction makes much more sense.
Did you know that Hal 9K had the same reaction to Rodger's performance in Week 4? He tried to man-on-man-munch all things Aaron since Sunday and he even told us he would take a donator's load on the cheek from Aaron if he ever ran into him at a Derby Party. I would bet $10 you already have, Dirty 'Tina.

CA: ....

UPG: Christina, we don't give out suckers for using the potty. Do we need to stop the interview?
CA: .....

UPG: Ok, I'll take that look of relief to say you've gone ahead and finished, we'll continue. Why does this picture remind me of Haystacks Calhoun?

UPG: We have touched on the winners, lets talk about some of the losers in Week 5. Occam's Razor, Mussolini's Meanies and the Li'l Sebastions all still remain at the bottom of the standings at 1-4. No, please don't start...
CA:WAAAAAAAAahhhhhh ooahauaha

UPG: Yes, It is very upsetting. We all wanted them those teams to do well or at least do better than Scott. Let's pull ourselves together and finish this interview.
CA:WHYYYY??? auhuuoooeeeuahahh

UPG: Yeah, it sucks. We know. I thought we would be at the top of the rankings, but we aren't so we can end this if that is OK with you. Thanks for sitting down with us Christina. We hope you can get yourself together and we all wish you the best of luck in your fantasy league and your attempts to gain weight and be drunk.