OLD MAN for YOUR COMMISIONER

It is time for a change. Tunisia, Egypt, UPG. The history books will note those as the most influential revolutions in the 21st century. All countries whose citizenry begrudgingly forced to live under the rule of autocratic leaders who are slow to make progressive changes in the law of the land and grant liberties to their people. All countries whose populous spoke up for change and demanded a better life for their brothers and pirates.

This is my announcement for candidacy for commissioner of the UPG.
Why me? Because of this:



I simply look like a league commissioner. Look at it... It is me and a private jet with an overcoat. If ever there were a commissioner it would be a man who travels on private jets and wears black overcoats.

I really don't make any promises to make the league better - I just challenge anyone to produce a photo of themselves looking more commissioner-like than me. Any one else here ever flown on a private jet? Doubt it. You know who has? Commissioner Roger S. Goodell and me.

That is my challenge to you all. A new commissioner must be named and the man who can present himself as the most commissioner-like gets the position. My first choice is this version of myself who takes private jets and limosines to Chicago for an afternoon just because.

End of Season Thoughts (mostly rambling)

I have put Taylor's name on the ball, so it's official.  A picture will be forthcoming.  Congrats to him on a solid season.  I will try to forgive Steve this offseason for making Taylor so powerful.  One thing's for sure though, Steve is set up pretty nicely for next season already, especially if the Ravens release McGahee. 

Let's get this out of the way from the beginning. All of the following assumes the CBA is taken care of and there are no shenanigans this offseason lasting into next season.  For the love of everything holy, if our game is put on hiatus I don't know what I'll do with myself.  I don't have basketball like most of you assholes.  

I don't see Michael Bush staying in Black and Silver, and I think the Bengals make the most sense as a likely landing spot.  If that's the case, Tyler will be in good position with Charles and Bush as keepers.  And for that I applaud Tyler's decision to pick up Bush late in the season. 

Speaking of Charles, I love that guy.  He is one of my favorite players to watch play the game.  And I mean ever.  He moves so smoothly and quickly.  It's simply beautiful to watch him run. And the man is averaging over 6 yards per carry.  That's Jim Brown territory.  In fact, if his playoff game had counted, he would have surpassed the legend's average YPC over a season.  It was a travesty that he only received 9 totes against the Ravens.  I read that Todd Haley took over play calling at the half even though the Chiefs were trailing by three.  He's a dick anyway.  I can't stand to look at his face.

Key skill players in flux this offseason: DeAngelo Williams/Jonathan Stewart, Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams, Pierre Thomas, Sidney Rice, Vincent Jackson, Michael Bush, Cedric Benson, Vince Young, Malcolm Floyd, and McGahee?.  These are all valuable players in my opinion.  Obviously I would have to rate Williams/Stewart, Bush, Rice, and Jackson as the most valuable for our purposes.   

Players I expect big things from next year (outside of the obvious): [Williams, Benn, Blount, and Freeman] (TB), [Megatron, Pettigrew, Best, and "Glass-shoulders" Stafford] (Det), Marshawn Lynch, Jimmy Graham, Danario Alexander, and Dez Bryant.  If Hakeem Nicks and Kenny Britt can stay healthy, those two will be megastars (contingent upon Britt not being thrown to by Rusty Smith).

There is no way Hillis matches this year's production.  Montario Hardesty will definitely be a factor next year. I do think Brandon Lloyd has the skills to continue to be a success.  That guy's a baller.  I cannot believe he's never caught on anywhere else before.  I also think Mike Vick will continue to produce at a high level for the Eagles, especially if they address their O-line deficiencies.

I am very interested to see what the Redskins do at tailback this offseason.  I don't see Torain as the answer. If they can get someone like DeAngelo or Bush, I would be very interested in that backfield.  We have seen what a Shanahan-inspired scheme can do for a runner who is someone I would rate as the middle of the pack in terms of talent at starting tailback (Arian Foster).  In case you're interested, I would rate these backs higher in terms of talent: Peterson, Charles, Johnson, Rice, Stewart, Williams, Mendenhall, and McCoy.  But, I must say that Foster works very well in that scheme.  Just as one QB might perform better in a West Coast Offense than a run-first offense (see Rich Gannon), certain runners fit schemes very well.

I am also interested to see what happens in Miami.  I don't see either RB returning next year.   

Finally, if I had to choose my dream team of skill players (not for fantasy but real life) this list would be as follows (keep in mind this is a team of great players who will be good now and will get better):
QB: Aaron Rodgers (Backed up by Sam Bradford who is much better than the Seahawks game would lead you to believe in case you didn't watch the Rams play at all this season.)
RB1: Adrian Peterson
RB2: Jamaal Charles
WR1: Calvin Johnson
WR2: Hakeem Nicks
WR3: Percy Harvin
TE: Vernon Davis
K: Yeah right! Fuck Kickers!

Feel free to comment and disagree.

2011 Draft Order and Potential Changes

Just for the sake of clarity, I would like to make a post detailing the 2011 draft order, which is based on final regular season standings:

1. Everett
2. Taylor
3. John
4. Brandon
5. Jason
6. Scott
7. Ben
8. Tyler
9. Jim
10. Steve

In addition to excitement of knowing the draft order, I wanted to go ahead and bring up a couple of issues that I believe should be discussed in the offseason. I think the new waiver wire setup worked well, but if anyone has ideas on how to improve that, those would most certainly be welcome. My issue this year is with the trade deadline. We can make trades during the entire offseason, but we cut off the ability to make trades coming down the stretch for playoff pushes. I think we can either completely remove the trade deadline or at least make the playoffs the only time when trades are not allowable. With the limited ability to make pickups due to the waiver set up, trades are really the only way you have control over how to improve your team down the stretch. Plus it’s exciting to try to come up with crafty trade scenarios, so the trade deadline removes some of the fun from the season. What say you, pirate gents?

My second issue is that we need to set up the league to make sure the championship is in Week 16. This Week 17 setup is no good because nobody goes with a full strength roster in Week 17. It’s like having the championship during an unpredictable bye week. The method of changing that setup is up to debate, but we need to ensure that Week 16 is the week that decides the league champion. I know that change only affects Taylor and one other person each season, but it’s still important to get it right. Thoughts?

Live Updates from UPG Playoff Party

Suday 1:30 PM
Greetings to the losers!
Winners are all here having a good time at the Chip and Dip Fiesta for the Playoff Teams of the UPG. We are having some of the best dips I've ever had, some of the best tasting beers that have ever graced my lips.

Some of the decisions we are discussing this year for the league:
1. Whether Tyler is allowed to be in league next year.
The problem is that this is a wonderful league, and in just about any other league Tyler's team could just fly under the radar. In our league it's an eyesore, though. It's the abandoned house in your neighborhood with broken windows. The children talk about how it's haunted, and nobody goes near it during Halloween. If we can condemn that house, maybe it's the humane thing to do.
2. Voting on Tyler's worst rejected trade opportunity.
This should be a fun game, and I encourage everyone to submit players that Tyler decided were not quite "Stabbing Robot material"
3. Will we allow Tyler to remained married to Amy? Who will we decide to be her new, better mate?
Amy's a great girl. We all love her. It's pretty inconvenient that we may have to find a replacement team to fill the void left behind by Tyler. We really don't want to find another cool girl to spend time with us. There is too much risk involved with hookers and strangers. I don't want Amy to have to be alone, so I think the best approach is to nominate the guy who would be able to take good care of her (no offense, Tyler, none of this is personal)

Now I'm going to jump off my roof before Manningham scores another TD on my bench.

What Needs to Happen

With the last week of the regular season approaching, two playoff spots remain open for four potential teams. Here is what each team needs to happen in Week 13 to clinch a spot in the playoffs.

Brandon
- Win

- Lose, and Scott and Ben lose but Brandon does not get outscored by Ben by more than two points. (Brandon owns tiebreaker against Ben).

- Lose, and Scott wins, Ben loses and does not lose by more than seven. (Tyler would own tiebreaker against Brandon).

Ben
- Win

- Lose, and Scott and Tyler lose.

- Lose, and Brandon loses, and not get outscored by Tyler by more than six. (Ben owns tiebreaker against Tyler).

- Lose, Brandon and Scott lose, and outscores Brandon by more than two points. (see tiebreaker scenario above).

Scott
- Win, and either Brandon or Ben lose.

Tyler
- Win, and Ben and Scott lose.

- Win, and Ben loses, and Tyler outscores Ben by more than six. (see tiebreaker scenario above).

Let me know if I've missed a potential scenario.

I Have A Boner

Guys,

It's been awhile since someone has posted on the blog so I figured I would take this opportunity to share an opinion with everyone. I have a hard-on for the fact that our league is so bunched up this year. The races for playoff spots are very tight right now, and I love it.

I have never thought it is entertaining when a team in whatever sports dominates the league in which it competes. The Yankees clinching the AL East before the All-Star break, Manchester United or Chelsea running away with the EPL (for Taylor), or Zenyatta winning a horse race before she is even led up to the starting gate. We need competition and this league was built on competition, whether it be personal or just trying to ensure one person doesn't get that key player off of waivers (no particular situation in mind).

It is like the NFL in many ways - until recently, there has been a different dominant team each week. John has clinched a playoff spot, and my hat goes off to him. With that said, I am in the thick of this race for a playoff spot along with several others. Whatever happens, I have enjoyed this season more than ones in the past and I wish everyone the best of luck either playing in the postseason or watching others play for our coveted prize.

Week 12 Coaching Comparisons

Everett - Bill Belicheck

The most dominant manager in the game today. Like Billy, Everett finds ways to get great performances out of everyone on his roster. He makes smart waiver wire moves, is strong and deep at every position, builds a structure for his guys to operate within, and lets them make plays. A master of playing the odds, as injuries or other circumstances arise, Everett simply inserts someone else into that spot and expects them to perform, and perform they do. (See Manning, Eli)

Ben - Raheem Morris

Consistently really good, but yet to have a "Wow-let's-take-notice-of-this-team-as-a-real-contender" week. Exceeding any expectations fans may have had for this team after a rocky beginning. Ben got out of the gates quick, when some thought it would fade, he continued to win.

Jason - Rex Ryan

Loveable, boisterous, and supremely confident in his team. Like Rex, Jason's team seems to feed off his belief in them, even when others might not. He finds a way to get production out of a group of wide receivers many of us placed as the worst in the league in the early season. He has gotten moderate, but consistent play out of his quarterback and has been able to win despite some low offensive numbers. Without the size of Rex, Jason still manages to be the most polarizing head coach in the league. Some love him, some hate him. But most consider it a compliment to his personality he is loved at all considering how much he wins.

Brandon - Mike McCarthy

Dangerous every week you play them, but seem to fade towards the end of the season, and especially the playoffs. Brandon's lack of success can't really be attributed to injuries or other circumstances, but more the improvement of other teams in the league. Brandon's teams seem to go from good to mediocre by seasons end by virtue of the top teams each year becoming better through trades and waiver wire transactions.

John - Tony Sparano

Constant criticism from fans over recent coaching decisions. Holes at quarterback and tight end, and a stagnant running game most weeks. John has left his best player on the bench more than once, forgotten to play kickers, and has cut productive tight ends in consecutive weeks. Has managed to stay in the playoff hunt, but his team is off the tracks and people question whether he has the fortitude to get it back.

Scott - Brad Childress

Should have been fired three weeks ago. After a tough stretch of losses, Scott hit the panic button, then pulled the panic cord, then ate some panic breakfast, and topped it all off by snorting some panic cocaine. Unlike Childress though, Scott seems perfectly willing to place the fate of his team in Peterson's hands, which for once seem to be holding on to the football. The problem is that Peterson doesn't get a chance to protect any leads by running the ball.

Tyler - Wade Phillips/Jason Garrett

Totally incompetent through the first nine weeks of the season, then turns it on in the past two weeks. Yes, Tyler is on a four game winning streak and still out of the playoffs, but he has strung together some nice games, and looks like he could be a force if he makes the playoffs. Like the cowboys, he relies too heavily on running back committees, but Tyler has seriously dangerous wide receivers and if Roethlisberger and Kitna continue to sling it, his quarterback and wide receivers may be enough to put him in the playoffs for the first time.

Jimmy - Marvin Lewis

Inept, unable to score, and unable to stop people from scoring. It's been a nightmare season for Jim, who many expected to ride his wide receivers to the playoffs. But his receivers have disappointed, and his running game is non existent. A nightmare season that looks to only get worse. Lot of questions to answer in the offseason.

Steve - Mike Singletary

Tons of talent that often produces, but never seems to be enough. In many ways Steve's tought season has been a victim of circumstance. Incredibly high scores each week were put up against him. He sacrificed depth early in the season to snag a top running back, but his team has suffered ever since. A recent injury to star player Hakeem Nicks is indicative of the negative karma surrounding Tehom. However, he has the pieces for the future, and simply has to urge his guys to finish this season strong and find something positive to build on for next year.