Ring of Elders: Week 1

Gentlemen,

As you all know, I can be one self-indulgent piece of work. Don't believe me, check out my team name for the year. Or my lists of best and worst team names. Or the “Val Kilmer” post from my Awesome USA! days. Or simply recall any discussion you've ever had with me concerning Tyler Hansbrough or Paul Shaffer.

Well, in that same vein, I'd like to announce that for the rest of the season (or possibly just until I get bored with the exercise) I will be introducing nominees for the our fair league's Ring of Elders. Does our fantasy f-ball league need a Ring of Elders? No, it does not. However, I like this sort of thing. (Similar to how I liked every pick made by every single one of you in last week's live draft in the Swinney Mancave.)

Anyway, here's how this works. I will introduce a new nominee each week. In the comments section of each post, I hope all of you will vote yay or nay as to whether that nominee deserves to be in the Ring of Elders. (I'm also open to other names for this most supreme roundtable of accomplishment, this roll call of our spiritual forefathers. Perhaps the Pirate's Council.) You can vote yay for every single nominee if you'd like. Or nay for every single nominee. Also, I would encourage debate, discussion, and absurdity. The top 4 vote-getters will constitute the Upstanding Pirate Gentlemen's Mount Rushmore. Rick Reilly has his binoculars at the ready.

I realize I haven't done a very good job of explaining how this works, but that's kind of the point. If anyone has any questions, they should probably consult Captain Montana. With his preternatural long-term memory, he will most likely be able to explain how this process works by reference to a similar debate involving Orson the Pig, Rayden from Mortal Kombat, and David Boyles (a good friend of Leonard's).

So, without further ado, the nominee for Week 1 is...

Brother Man (pronounced Bruh Man)



Aliases: Brother Man is an alias I think.

Enemies: Martin (kind of)

Historical Antecedent: Cosmo Kramer? Or was Cosmo Kramer Elvis Presley to Brother Man's Chuck Berry?

Memorable Quote: "Heard it through the grapevine y'all had some Gumbo up in here. So I just came by to hook me up a bowl."

Likes: eating sammiches, stealing food, breaking into apartments

Dislikes: loose-fitting clothing, drama, convention

from Wikipedia: Bruh Man was an extremely presumptuous man who lived on the fifth "flo" directly upstairs from Martin (yet he always put 4 fingers up when relating this fact). Whenever Martin asked what he was doing, Bruh Man would reply: "....just chillin'". He often climbed down the "f-a-a-a-ah 'scape" to break into Martin's apartment, taking food, borrowing assorted items and generally lounging around as if he lived there. In fact, the fire escape seemed his only means of movement throughout the building. He was seldom seen entering or exiting the apartment through the front door. One memorable Bruh Man quote was in an episode in which Martin was having recurring romantic dreams about Pam. Martin wakes up around 3 a.m. and walks into his living room to find Bruh Man making a "s-a-a-a-h-h-mich." After some terse words from Martin, Bruh man asks "What you doin up? I usually have the place to myself 'round this ho-o-our." Bruh Man always wore badly fitting clothing a size or two too small (sometimes items he'd "borrowed" from Martin), and had a characteristic gait consisting of a slow and lazy, rather limping, plodding walk, with his head cocked to one side. Martin, as Bruh Man was heading toward the window to make his exit, once referred to it as his "slow bop." Bruh Man spoke in a deep voice and with a long drawl, not unlike that of Shaquille O'Neal.

UPG moment: too many to narrow it down to one, as you can see below

decidedly un-UPG moment: rumored to have died of an overdose after season 4 (One might very well argue that, normally, a tragic death at an early age would make an individual that much more UPG -- especially when that death comes by way of accidental drug overdose. However, I am unclear as to why this fictional character's death is the stuff of rumor. It would seem that one could get to the bottom of Brother Man's demise simply by renting Season 4 or 5 of Martin.)