Because he's on a hell of a roll lately (healthy new born boy, new head
basketball coach of one of the top five biggest schools in the state and
several of our alma maters), let us all remember how much he deserves
it, and hopefully Tyler is savoring every moment of it, because fantasy
football is right around the corner. I watched this video today and
thought of Tyler, the fantasy football manager.
Here are the current Yahoo! rankings and the corresponding round you will be required to forfeit to keep said player if the rankings remain as they are now. I created a fake league just so I could access this; that's how pathetic I am.
Round 1:
1 Arian Foster 2 Ray Rice 3 LeSean McCoy 4 Ryan Mathews 5 Calvin Johnson 6 Aaron Rodgers 7 Maurice Jones-Drew 8 Chris Johnson 9 Larry Fitzgerald 10 Drew Brees 11 Trent Richardson 12 Tom Brady
Round 2: 13 Cam Newton 14 Jimmy Graham 15 Darren McFadden 16 Matthew Stafford 17 Rob Gronkowski 18 Adrian Peterson 19 Roddy White 20 Matt Forte 21 Marshawn Lynch 22 Victor Cruz 23 Brandon Marshall 24 DeMarco Murray
Round 3:
25 Andre Johnson 26 Greg Jennings 27 Jamaal Charles 28 A.J. Green 29 Mike Wallace 30 Hakeem Nicks 31 Wes Welker 32 Julio Jones 33 Fred Jackson 34 Steve Smith 35 Miles Austin 36 Doug Martin
Round 4: 37 Michael Turner 38 Demaryius Thomas 39 Steven Jackson 40 Jordy Nelson 41 Jeremy Maclin 42 Darren Sproles 43 Marques Colston 44 Dez Bryant 45 Antonio Gates 46 Percy Harvin 47 Kenny Britt 48 Michael Vick
Round 5:
49 Dwayne Bowe 50 Brandon Lloyd 51 Aaron Hernandez 52 Ahmad Bradshaw 53 Reggie Bush 54 Eli Manning 55 Peyton Manning 56 Tony Romo 57 Frank Gore 58 Vernon Davis 59 Philip Rivers 60 Fred Davis
It has been one hell of a ride. As your reigning UPG Champion, I have just a couple of thoughts that I would like to share that may be helpful to each of you moving forward:
Brotherhood. That’s the difference – I know you guys were wondering. That’s what made Team Ramrod different from all of the other teams out there this year. We trusted each other; we had each other’s backs. Just like Dawson and Downey, our team stood on a wall and said nothing’s going to hurt you tonight, not on my watch.
Brotherhood was in the locker room when the guys would hold a prayer before doing battle each game. It was on the field when each man was his brother’s keeper. It was in that Nevada desert outside of Reno during the bye week when the team buried Tom Brady’s dead hooker. Brotherhood.
Second, I would like to congratulate everyone that was willing to throw their hat in the ring this year. I know you all gave the very best you had. I know that none of you could have possibly done any better than you did this year and I will expect more of the same next year.
None of you should feel bad that a rookie came into your league and owned it from the get-go. Especially those of you who really haven’t made any waves in the previous four years. That is not a reason for you to kill yourselves, it really isn’t. Does it make you less of a man? That isn’t for me to say. Does it mean that you should hire someone else to come in and satisfy your wives/girlfriends because you obviously aren’t up to the task? Again, those are your own demons that you will have to deal with.
My squad eagerly awaits the 2012 season and more of your best efforts. Captain Winston Montana, I hope my UPG performance warrants my inclusion on the Mount Rushmore of Murray. Certainly not ahead of Bill, but definitely ahead of those other three turds.
Taylor, I’m sorry to announce that you have joined John, Brandon, and yours truly amongst the dregs of this league. You will not compete in the playoffs this year. You WILL promise vengeance for this atrocity. You WILL be able to blame many factors (I’m primarily blaming league randomness, absurd injuries, cramps, and mood swings). If you want to utilize other coping mechanisms that I favored over the past week, then I recommend drinking beer, eating ice cream, combining those two things, and listening to a whole lot of Adele. As for those of you who are still in contention for a playoff spot? I wish nothing but the BEEEEESSSST FOR YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU.
Landry Hat? Yeah, that’s Jimmy’s this week. Not that he’s reading this right now, but whatever he is doing, he should be doing it while wearing a very smug expression on his face. He traded Andre Johnson and Jeremy Maclin (who combined for two points this week) and got Beanie Wells and Marshawn Lynch (combined for 57 points this week). Furthermore, he’s beating Scott by enough that he would have won even if he didn’t enjoy this week’s +55 from those two trades.
I'm coming for you. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat your children. Praise be to Allah!
I want to rip your hearts out and feed them to you. I want to kill people. I want to rip your stomachs out and eat your children.
You're all sweet. I'm going to make sure you kiss me with those big lips. I'm gonna make you my girlfriend.
I paid a zoo to re-open it just for me. When I got in to the gorilla cage there was one big silverback gorilla bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendent $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback's snotbox!
I really dig Hannibul. Hannibul had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage.
“We can be happy to know he’s in heaven, doing the two things he loves most: eating carrots and urinating.”
And so passes Li’l Sebastions. Clinging precariously to a three-point lead, I figured The Great Gronkowski would easily snag a victory for Taylor’s surging squad, but a boy can certainly dream. When Gronk broke loose for his long first-half TD, I looked at my wife, and noted that it’s ironic that a man who could be categorized as a porn star groupie would seal my poor fantasy squad’s fate. The porn industry and fantasy football: two reliable, pure, seemingly innocent institutions, somehow coming together to ruin my life. Mandy obviously didn’t follow my line of reasoning (or lack thereof...I was in a pretty weird place), but that’s okay, she’s really pretty.
Gentlemen, it has not been a pleasure. It’s been a horrendous season. Reflecting on it makes me think of barbed wire, Nick Cage movies, Nickelback, and other awful things. I thank none of you, and blame most of you. Perhaps I was asking for this fate. After all, Li’l Sebastion only appeared in two episodes of Parks & Rec, and (spoiler alert) he died in one of those episodes. Fortunately, he went out with a bang, not a whimper. I like to think my squad can now do the same. It will be a long offseason (I already mocked out the first five rounds one time last week…yes, I’m an idiot), but we’ll return seeking the most satisfying redemption imaginable.
Although, I won’t be able to make the post-season myself, I do intend to ruin anyone else’s season that I can impact. Of course without Adrian Peterson next week, that threat rings a little hollow. No Landry Hat. Everyone loses. I leave you with a tribute song from Li'l Sebastion's funeral.
