Look You Assholes

Look you assholes. I'm making the playoffs. I don't know what any of you are thinking in trying to keep me out of the playoffs. Our fantasy football playoff bracket is like a second home to me. Or really, more like a first home, because I don't technically have a home right now.

I didn't want it to come to this. I really didn't. But as I sit here in my oversized red velvet chair, stroking the silky fur of my black cat, and staring into a raging fire only one thought comes to mind: One way or the other, I'll be in the playoffs.

Take that however you want. Maybe it's a threat. Maybe not.

I know what you are thinking too. (You can't be as successful in fantasy football as I have been without knowing what your opponents are thinking on a daily basis.) Turner is out for four to six weeks. Carolina refuses to run the ball with regularity and Delhomme is intercepted on one of five throws. Hester, Housh, and Evans refuse to consistently produce yardage and hate the endzones. And Roy Williams should be euthanized.

But come hell or high water (anyone know what this means) I will be playing for the championship. Get your guns ready, soldier up, and bring it. Because I've brought it in the past, and I'll continue to bring it for the next three weeks. It's going to be a bloodbath of epic proportions.

The Return of RBP

Like Tristan Ludlow returning to the family ranch with heads of cattle as far as the eye can see, Roundball Portfolio is back with so much college basketball information and analysis that you will literally vomit in your mouth.

Here's my preseason Top 25.

Ring of Elders: Weeks 5 & 6

Gentlemen,

Let's be honest. No one really cares about the Ring of Elders, so I am not even going to apologize for the delay in getting this up. Oh, and it's going to be a twofer to start the process of making up for the weeks I missed. If you are keeping count at home, the Ring of Elders currently consists of Blue Traveler (3 votes), Brother Man (2 votes), Mothman (2 votes), and David Icke (1 vote). By now, if you care about this process, you know the drill. So, without further ado, the week 5 and 6 nominees are Edward Gorey and Foghorn Leghorn.

Edward Gorey



Aliases: Ogdred Weary, Doger Wryde, Ms. Regera Dowdy, Eduard Blutig, O. Mude, Wardore Edgy, Raddory Gewe, E.G. Deadworry, D. Awdrey-Gore, Edward Pig, Madame Groeda Weyrd

Enemies: none

Historical Antecedent: an American original

Memorable Quote: “If you're doing nonsense, it has to be rather awful, because there'd be no point. I'm trying to think if there is sunny nonsense. Sunny, funny nonsense for children – oh, how boring, boring, boring. As Schubert said, there is no happy music. And that's true, there really isn't. And there's probably no happy nonsense either.”

Likes: Batman, soap operas, cats

Dislikes: children, sunlight, physical contact

from Wikipeda: Edward Gorey was an illustrator and writer who classified his work as literary nonsense. Gorey wrote over 100 books and illustrated more than 50 other books written by other authors. He often wrote his books under pseudonyms, which were anagrams of his own name. Gorey's illustrated (and sometimes wordless) books, with their vaguely ominous air and ostensibly Victorian and Edwardian settings, have long had a cult following. Gorey became particularly well-known through his animated introduction to the PBS series Mystery! In later years, he lived year-round in Cape Cod, where he wrote and directed numerous evening-length entertainments, often featuring his own papier-mache puppets, in an ensemble known as La Theatricule Stoique. His major theatrical work was the libretto for an Opera Seria for Hand Puppets titled The White Canoe. Gorey once agreed with an interviewer that the “sexlessness” of his novels were a product of his asexuality. Although his books were popular with children, he did not associate with children much and had no particular fondness for them. His home in Cape Cod is called Elephant House.

UPG moment: gentlemen, the Gashlycrumb Tinies



decidedly un-UPG moment: I have yet to find one

Foghorn Leghorn



Aliases: Exit Wounds, Star Wars

Enemies: Barnyard Dawg, Henery Hawk, Rhode Island Red (though theirs was more of a friendly rivalry)

Historical Antecedent: Senator Beauregard Claghorn

Memorable Quote: “Gal reminds me of the highway between Fort Worth and Dallas. No curves.”

Likes: the ladies, mischief, jive-talking

Dislikes: yankees, know-it-alls, dudley-do-rights

from Wikipeda: Foghorn Leghorn was a large, anthropomorphized adult rooster with a strong Virginia or Kentucky accent and a penchant for mischief. He died in 2003 in a gruesome train wreck while on vacation in Canada.

UPG moment: let the raucous hilarity ensue




decidedly un-UPG moment: seems to be vaguely racist and homophobic

Cinderella's Weekend

How about a little love for the bottom-feeders? Jim's squad secured it's first win of the season, Tyler has had two big weeks in a row, and somebody finally slowed the bleeding for my hapless team. The Iron Curtain is still in contention for a W this week, but will have to overcome the fantasy gods' love of Brandon.

The teams that played in London have tanked the second half of the season the last two years, so it will be interesting to see how those brain-washed Patriots fare following their trip across the Atlantic. I became extremely disappointed in journalism in general as I watched the pre-game coverage for that match-up. Some clever fellow pointed out the hilarity of the Patriots playing in England. I actually found that irony pretty funny, but then he went on to say "Instead of Benjamim Franklin, now it's Benjamin Watson....instead of Thomas Paine, it's Tom Brady" (paraphrase). So apparently you can get a gig at ESPN by analogizing Benjamin Franklin and Benjamin Watson based exclusively on them sharing a common first name...that seems fair. One was a revolutionary, inventor, author, and notorious sexual deviant, and the other is best-known for almost running down Champ Bailey on an interception return. Great job. I hope that journalist is also writing the analogies for the SAT.

Now Tyler just has to hope that Brady keeps producing and that Miles Austin is legit. Austin already has some star-power due to his A-Rod face, and he's looked great this season, but I have to warn Tyler that he's been extremely injury-prone in the past...and we know how Tyler's guys like to get injured. Ultimately, I'm asking Tyler to sit Miles Austin if he cares about that young man as a person. He's worked hard, finally gotten his break, and given you a fantasy win. Don't ask for more, Coach.

P.S. I'm still wheeling and dealing for any RBs that get more than two points per contest. If anyone wants to make a trade, this guy is listening.

100th Post Celebration

Gentlemen...as a way to celebrate our 100th post on this glorious blog, I figured I would post this picture I found concerning running backs this season thus far and their fantasy FB performances. Feel free to comment as you wish, and please feel free to ring in the centennial with a beverage of your choice (but please John, no Mad Dogs...let's keep this classy).


Please visit this link to see the picture:
http://thepigskindoctors.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/October09/RBBCcomplete.jpg

Well...

We are approaching the halfway point of our regular season, gents, and things are pretty interesting. Is it just me, or does anyone else find it odd that with our players more dispersed by a 10 person league we are still managing to put up higher scores each week than anything we did during our stint when the league consisted of only 8? Is this just evidence of improved managerial skills? I must admit, I have been impressed with the management thus far.

I was planning on just commenting on Taylor's post but I heard he is pretty busy. Word on the street has it that he is planning on moving back up here so I can help him resurrect his season, but we'll have to wait and see about that. Without further adieu, I will post the newest power rankings:

1. Scott
2. Everett
3. Brandon
4. Ben
5. Steve
6. Taylor
7. Tyler
8. John
9. Jimmy
10. Jason

Let's break it down:
1. There's a weakness at WR and tight-end, although the return of Calvin Johnson will help shore up the WR problem. If Shiancoe keeps producing (i.e. vulturing Adrian Peterson's TDs), this might not be a big deal. Besides, tight-ends don't win championships...running backs win championships and this team is chock full of talent (Peterson is No1 RB and Rice is No3). Between Flacco and McNabb, potential is there to put up more than 20 points every week at QB.
2. Unlike team 1, this team is more than fine at the WR and TE positions (3 WRs in the top 10, and the top TE). Schaub is producing as he should with that arsenal surrounding him (No. 2 QB). The only problem I see with this team is that it is a little light at RB. Now, Gore and CJ are great, but there is no clear 3rd RB. If Gore comes back from his injury strong and his receivers keep producing as they are, it won't really matter.
3. This team is not dominant in any one position, but is consistent. This team won't put up the most points each week, but a consistent team is a good team in fantasy.
4. The main problem with this team is the running back position. All running backs are involved in major time shares, and there exists only one pure goal-line back as it appears that Mike Bell has supplanted PT as the goal-line back. Other than that and a slight weakness at TE, this team is solid and Peyton is playing ridiculous football.
5. QB position is a little light. RB position is not consistent as the majority of TJ's and MJD's points have come in just a couple games. I feel Moss is in for a big 2nd half of the season, but WR#2 is also a problem. However, the potential is there almost every week to put up huge numbers, and for that reason alone, he must land in the top 5.
6. Carolina is going to learn that they can win simply by running the ball. That will help this team. Taylor gets this high ranking purely from his RB corps and ARod. There is no standout WR on this team, and it is a gamble every week to put 2 players in there. But, you can go far with a strong RB corps, so this team will still likely make the playoffs.
7. I told Taylor that I feel like Tom Brady will be like Peyton last year...a slow start and strong finish. If that holds, this team is dangerous. Through some good wire-working, he has a solid WR corps. He really, really needs Grant and Slaton to step it up.
8. A top QB, too many great receivers, a great TE, but a terrible running game. This is not a recipe for success. RBs are too important in fantasy.
9. I know his ranking, but this is really just an unfortunate situation. I fully believe Jimmy is going to turn things around, but whether or not a playoff run is in the cards, remains to be seen. A team starting Palmer, Wayne, Johnson, Driver, Brown, and Smith is a team that can beat anyone in the league on a given day. If Wells and Washington become more reliable, this could be a really strong team.
10. Well, fantasy isn't always predictable. For Jennings and Forte to have played like they have thus far is simply absurd. I appreciate some of the moves he has made to strengthen the WR position, but the RB situation is simply not going to get the job done.

And that's how I see the regular season final rankings shaking out.