Who's John Wall?

I saw in Jason's post that he is ahead of me. 

At any rate, the playoff situation is...eh.  In the future, I think we should return to the previous format with no games later than week 16 and no byes.  I know this will make Ben and Tyler less likely to make the playoffs, but by my calculations, the probability of them doing so in this format was only 1% anyway.  What's another 0.5%?

I heard Taylor was getting ready to pick up Lamont Jordan to play for him this week, but then he got turf toe on the way to Target.

Don't worry, Taylor, there's always Larry Krieger or Chris Pressley.

The Regular Season Nears Completion

Due to the Ben-Everett matchup, there are currently three teams vying for two spots in the playoffs. If Everett wins or Taylor loses, Everett is in. If Taylor wins or Ben loses, Taylor is in. Ben has to win to get in. The current standings are:

1. John Wall 100-0 Infinite Points
2. Scott 11-2 1352
3. Steve 8-5 1260
4. Jason 7-6 1262
5. Brandon 7-6 1199
6. Everett 6-6-1 1512
7. Taylor 6-7 1317
8. Ben 6-7 1251
9. Tyler 5-8 1251
10. John 5-8 1197
11. Jim 3-9-1 1200

And now a quick recap of last week’s match ups:

Jason v. Tyler: I ended Tyler’s bid for the playoffs, which cannot possibly please our gentle commissioner. My boys came together and put up the highest point total for the week, even though New Orleans D lost 8 points last night. I think the weird Meachem TD went to Defense/Special Teams initially, but then it was removed…I don’t know how you properly score that one. Tyler put up the third most points this week, which would have been enough to win every other matchup except….

John v. Taylor: Brandon Jacobs: 76-yard TD reception. Wow! That’s worth 13 points…guess how much Taylor lost by? An unlucky number indeed. Tay sits at third in the points total, but is precariously eligible for the playoffs. John finally got the week that his guys owed him. He even won with Jason Witten on the bench when Witten went for another 100-yard game. Aside: the Forte and Witten for Mendenhall and Boldin trade has worked out well for both squads. Forte has had a couple of good games for John, and Witten came alive in the last two weeks. Similarly, Anquan Boldin returned to last season’s form and Mendenhall has been more than serviceable. John doesn’t miss Boldin because he has a stable of receivers and I don’t miss Witten because the Legendary Vernon Davis continues to baffle.

Ben v. Brandon: Brandon can win a grind it out fantasy game better than anyone in the world. Ben contemplated starting Meachem over Vincent Jackson, but Skyscraper was too tough to sit. Meachem would have guaranteed Ben victory. Our league's ethical leader won't throw a pity party for himself playing the what-if game, but I'll do it for him. Now Ben has to take down Ev’s Juggernaut to secure a place in the postseason. The funny thing is, if he beats Everett, Taylor loses, and I lose, Ben will get the 3 seed. It’s that wide open, people. Bring it every week.

Everett v. Jim: Donald Driver fumbles away a victory for Jim, leaving us with a dreaded tie. We need to address this issue. I think there should be no ties. I like the idea of using the optimum lineup for each squad as the tie-breaker. Taylor suggested the team with the highest point man in the starting lineup gets the win. Please submit additional suggestions, but these ties are yucky, and leave none of us feeling satisfied…they’re the fantasy equivalent of blue balls. Whenever you have a tie, both managers will obviously look at their rosters and figure out how close they were to getting additional points. Everett only needed two more yards from Chris Johnson to get another point, but Jim wins this battle of almost. Andre Johnson finished with 99 receiving yards, and Kevin Smith only needed one more receiving yard to get another point. Beanie Wells was also only two rushing yards shy of another point. So close, Jim.

Steve v. Scott: So did Scott tank or not? You know what, I’m not taking the bait, Scott. I think you’re trying to confuse me and make me focus on what you’re doing. I’m just going to worry about my team and what I can do to make them the best they can be. Stay out of my head. Scott referenced my team looking strong, but the fact that Brees likely won’t be a strong Week 17 play. Same probably goes for Peyton and AP. We need to fix the schedule next year and avoid Week 17 matchups. I like as much fantasy football as possible, but those Week 17 games are screwy. It’s one thing to have a marquee player out with an injury, but it’s another to have him just play a quarter and sit to stay healthy. On the opposite end of the Week 17 spectrum, Steve has a couple of fantastic matchups...which would make for an interesting showdown if he gets another shot at Scott.

Waiver Wire All-Stars

It really feels like there has not been good action on the waiver wire this season, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t respect those who worked it the best. Here is my salute to the All Waiver Wire Team, and the savvy managers who obtained these diamonds in the rough:

QB: Brett Favre (Jim); Nobody in our league is celebrating Favre’s phenomenal season, and I would be ashamed if we were. That doesn’t change the fact that Jim got himself a top five QB who has pulled an entire living rabbit out of his ass this year.

RB: Laurence Maroney (Steve): After making cameo appearances for multiple rosters, Steve finally tamed the wild stallion that is Maroney. Laurence still loves his fumbles, but the Patriots have been forced to rely on him, which has turned him into a viable fantasy start.

RB: Jamaal Charles (Scott): Charles is on a terrible team but it’s a rule that NFL teams have to get some yards during the game, so now Charles and the Lunch Break Bowe are sharing all of KC’s. Charles was useless for half the season, but has already given Scott multiple good starts.

RB: Justin Forsett (Tyler): Forsett apparently is having a decent season. I forgot Seattle even had a team, so this may be news to some of you all as well. It’s also a good illustration of how paltry the waiver wire has been.

WR: Miles Austin (Tyler): Austin has been spectacular for many games this year, but this selection comes with a caveat, because Tyler has had him on his bench for at least two of those blow-up performances. Boom or bust, Tyler, boom or bust.

WR: Mike Sims-Walker (Tyler): Tyler vowed Sims-Walker to be “untradeable” in Week 3 or 4, and Jacksonville Mike has mostly delivered. He’s been slower in recent weeks, but still a great waiver wire pickup by Lord Armstrangler.

TE: Vernon Davis (Jason): It took courage and foresight to not only pick up Vernon Davis, but part ways with the reliable Jason Witten. Such savvy should excuse me from playing catch-and-release with Maroney and Charles earlier this season.

K: Irrelevant! We should really just get rid of these fools. Not only are they not football players, some of them aren’t even men.

DEF: I have no idea.

Sidney Rice gets an honorable mention, but I don’t think Scott ever feels that great starting Big Sid, so that decreases his fantasy value. Does anyone love the NFC North more than our man Scott? AP, Calvin Johnson, Sidney Rice, Jermichael Finley, Chester Taylor, and formerly Kevin Smith have all figured prominently in Scott’s roster this season (prominently may be a stretch for Jermichael, but whatever).

John also gets a shout out for getting Ricky Williams late, basically in the waiver wire zone. Williams is currently the fifth-ranked RB, which is f-in crazy.

This post is sure to be a hot stove conversation topic, so feel free to weigh in and let me know what you think!

Parity, Tanking, and Leftover Morsels

The surge for the playoffs is upon us! I don’t honestly believe that my mediocre team can continue to find ways to win, but I’m kindling every bit of hope within me that this feat is possible. Steve and Scott have clinched playoff spots, but there are six teams jockeying for the final four playoff spots. Everett has an insurmountable points lead and will annihilate any tie breaker scenario, so he is close to clinching.

As always, injuries change the climate of the season, and I decided to review how our the teams in our fair league have rated since Week 7. The pecking order is:

1. Everett 681 points
2. Taylor 629 points
3. Tyler 618 points
4. Scott 601 points
5. Jim 599 points
6. Jason 595 points
7. Brandon 587 points
8. Steve 579 points
9. John 556 points
10. Ben 550 points

My take on things (in order of the above list, not committing to actually ranking everyone):

Everett – team could not have worse luck. They are extraordinary and seldom have an off week. He’s lost four of his last six despite outscoring the league average by 15 per game. I don’t know how Shaub hasn’t gotten hurt yet, I thought that was his thing.

Taylor – Despite the poor O-Line, A-Rod has been pouring in the fantasy points. He is facing a bit of trouble with Carolina’s failure to just give DeAngelo the ball, Turner is banged up, and his receivers have been horrible, but he is in a good position to make the playoffs and continue his gloating.

Tyler – Really? After his team was outscored by Chris Johnson in one week, Ty still ranks third in points over the last six weeks. His team is completely boom or bust. Miles Austin, Sims-Walker, and Brady headline his cast of unpredictable characters…and we know how Tyler hates shuffling that roster. Tyler is on the outside looking in right now, but he can definitely win out, and finally taste the sweet nectar of the playoffs. That will require him to beat me and Scott. We’ll see how Scott decides to play that one next week….

Scott – This is a strong squad, and has been winning since the start. He has outstanding production from RBs and always seems to make the right defensive play. More importantly, the fantasy gods smile upon Scott with a radiance that only Brandon knew before. It seems that his team typically only has to score about 80 points to ensure victory. His main concern right now should be whether Minnesota clinches early enough that they won’t play Peterson much in the last two games. If that happens, then Scott’s roster is equalized.

Jim – The Job of our fantasy league. Jim’s roster on paper looked elite until the Ronnie Brown injury, but he just can’t convert that into wins.

Jason – If Benson loses the lion’s share of the carries down the stretch, then my team is going to be fighting an uphill battle. It appears that Fred Jackson wants to return to Week 2 form and give my roster a boost, but I think we all know Brees is the key. I’ve won five of six, and that run of good fortune is sure to expire soon. That said, if I get “Bad Tyler” this weekend, then my team will be very close to clinching.

Brandon – The Westbrook injury has been a tough blow to Brandon’s morale. Like my team, his guys need to put up big numbers to help them in the case of a tie-breaker scenario. He has a pivotal matchup with Ben this week that will most likely determine a playoff spot.

Steve – The Big City keeps rolling on despite apparently not scoring a ton of points. MJD and Randy Moss are capable of going for big numbers against any competition. Last week, the four QBs on his roster combined for 6 points. He couldn’t replicate that again in a zillion years.

John – Stop playing the Bears D. They are no longer elite, and are costing you wins. Portis and Jacobs have been really disappointing, but John’s receiver monopoly has been a fun sidebar the entire season.

Ben – The running back woes have been nagging Ben all season, and his committees are totally unpredictable. He still controls his own destiny for the playoffs, and if he gets his RBs right, then he’ll be a tough out. The Indy Mannings have already clinched their division, and I believe they have a three-game lead on home field advantage for the playoffs with only five games remaining. If the Colts sit Peyton, then Ben’s roster looks not so pretty.

As many of you are aware, Scott is going to tank this week against Steve to protect himself from a potential match-up with Everett in the finals. Feel free to discuss this, but I think Scott is really trying to do what he thinks is best to win a championship, so I don’t have a huge issue with it. I will say, that he runs the risk of finishing second to Steve in the standings, and moving down a notch for the top pick in the draft, but that would easily be worth it if he gets a championship. Considering the parity in the league, I’m not sure how helpful this maneuver will be. Scott’s two losses have come to John and me, so it’s not like the juggernauts have taken him down. Long lunch break? You bet.

Look You Assholes

Look you assholes. I'm making the playoffs. I don't know what any of you are thinking in trying to keep me out of the playoffs. Our fantasy football playoff bracket is like a second home to me. Or really, more like a first home, because I don't technically have a home right now.

I didn't want it to come to this. I really didn't. But as I sit here in my oversized red velvet chair, stroking the silky fur of my black cat, and staring into a raging fire only one thought comes to mind: One way or the other, I'll be in the playoffs.

Take that however you want. Maybe it's a threat. Maybe not.

I know what you are thinking too. (You can't be as successful in fantasy football as I have been without knowing what your opponents are thinking on a daily basis.) Turner is out for four to six weeks. Carolina refuses to run the ball with regularity and Delhomme is intercepted on one of five throws. Hester, Housh, and Evans refuse to consistently produce yardage and hate the endzones. And Roy Williams should be euthanized.

But come hell or high water (anyone know what this means) I will be playing for the championship. Get your guns ready, soldier up, and bring it. Because I've brought it in the past, and I'll continue to bring it for the next three weeks. It's going to be a bloodbath of epic proportions.

The Return of RBP

Like Tristan Ludlow returning to the family ranch with heads of cattle as far as the eye can see, Roundball Portfolio is back with so much college basketball information and analysis that you will literally vomit in your mouth.

Here's my preseason Top 25.

Ring of Elders: Weeks 5 & 6

Gentlemen,

Let's be honest. No one really cares about the Ring of Elders, so I am not even going to apologize for the delay in getting this up. Oh, and it's going to be a twofer to start the process of making up for the weeks I missed. If you are keeping count at home, the Ring of Elders currently consists of Blue Traveler (3 votes), Brother Man (2 votes), Mothman (2 votes), and David Icke (1 vote). By now, if you care about this process, you know the drill. So, without further ado, the week 5 and 6 nominees are Edward Gorey and Foghorn Leghorn.

Edward Gorey



Aliases: Ogdred Weary, Doger Wryde, Ms. Regera Dowdy, Eduard Blutig, O. Mude, Wardore Edgy, Raddory Gewe, E.G. Deadworry, D. Awdrey-Gore, Edward Pig, Madame Groeda Weyrd

Enemies: none

Historical Antecedent: an American original

Memorable Quote: “If you're doing nonsense, it has to be rather awful, because there'd be no point. I'm trying to think if there is sunny nonsense. Sunny, funny nonsense for children – oh, how boring, boring, boring. As Schubert said, there is no happy music. And that's true, there really isn't. And there's probably no happy nonsense either.”

Likes: Batman, soap operas, cats

Dislikes: children, sunlight, physical contact

from Wikipeda: Edward Gorey was an illustrator and writer who classified his work as literary nonsense. Gorey wrote over 100 books and illustrated more than 50 other books written by other authors. He often wrote his books under pseudonyms, which were anagrams of his own name. Gorey's illustrated (and sometimes wordless) books, with their vaguely ominous air and ostensibly Victorian and Edwardian settings, have long had a cult following. Gorey became particularly well-known through his animated introduction to the PBS series Mystery! In later years, he lived year-round in Cape Cod, where he wrote and directed numerous evening-length entertainments, often featuring his own papier-mache puppets, in an ensemble known as La Theatricule Stoique. His major theatrical work was the libretto for an Opera Seria for Hand Puppets titled The White Canoe. Gorey once agreed with an interviewer that the “sexlessness” of his novels were a product of his asexuality. Although his books were popular with children, he did not associate with children much and had no particular fondness for them. His home in Cape Cod is called Elephant House.

UPG moment: gentlemen, the Gashlycrumb Tinies



decidedly un-UPG moment: I have yet to find one

Foghorn Leghorn



Aliases: Exit Wounds, Star Wars

Enemies: Barnyard Dawg, Henery Hawk, Rhode Island Red (though theirs was more of a friendly rivalry)

Historical Antecedent: Senator Beauregard Claghorn

Memorable Quote: “Gal reminds me of the highway between Fort Worth and Dallas. No curves.”

Likes: the ladies, mischief, jive-talking

Dislikes: yankees, know-it-alls, dudley-do-rights

from Wikipeda: Foghorn Leghorn was a large, anthropomorphized adult rooster with a strong Virginia or Kentucky accent and a penchant for mischief. He died in 2003 in a gruesome train wreck while on vacation in Canada.

UPG moment: let the raucous hilarity ensue




decidedly un-UPG moment: seems to be vaguely racist and homophobic